Rising Star
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Kind is clear. Sometimes it’s best to be direct about what you want so that there are no mixed signals.
Well said
If it were me in your position, I’d probably just tell her “We spend most of our time at work - I don’t want to spend unpaid time focusing on work when I’m off, ya know? We can talk about any subject outside of work, but I’d like to keep my free time work free 😁.”
Chances are she feels safe with you OR it’s just easier for her bc you guys have that in common and you both know all the players at work, so it’s easy to slip into.
If you like her - give her the benefit of being kind but direct. It’ll save you both a headache and give you both a chance to get to know each other better without just the work related topics that can consume your time otherwise.
Good luck!
From both sides of the fence. So when I was younger, it was a lot easier to fall into it and was easy to bond with others. As I got older I started to value my peace way more than the topic of the moment. So whenever presented with this kind of thing after that, I would use this kind of phrasing with anyone that wanted to fall into the same patterns.
I’ve found it helps to keep the workplace more positive, I keep my peace and you can build stronger bonds outside of momentary work drama. Good luck😁
Chief
I love it when people text me to gossip about coworkers.
You then are in the know, but don’t get involved. I had an employee that let me know I was the target of work place sabotage and I redirected that really quick and the one stirring the pot got canned. Sometimes it’s who and what you know!!
This is not clinical advice. It can help to set your boundaries and say you're trying to keep work separate from home because of its impact on you and give that person an opportunity to change. It's not fair to get upset or not like somebody if you haven't told them the impact of their behavior. If she doesn't change or respect what you've said, then ignoring the messages would make more sense. An actual friend would honor where you are anyway.
Exactly!
I don't have any for you, I'd be doing the exact same thing - not responding whenever the conversation shifts to something work-related that I don't want to discuss. You could be blunt and just say you don't want to talk about work drama, but I'd feel a little awkward doing so if I was actually friends with the person. Hopefully they'll take the hint soon so you don't have to.
I was told a long time ago the same dog that brings a bone takes bone...
Pro
I don’t follow the metaphor!
It might be best to just act like you're too busy to deal with it. She might get the message that you're not that interested, but it's a little gentler than just flat-out telling her. If she asks, or you have a chance to bring it up, just say that you get busy and don't pay much attention to texts at night or on weekends.
Direct is best. Avoiding or sugar coating is a cop out. I appreciate iur work friendship but I perfer we keep our conversations in the office or not work related outside of the office. If it continues..I need you to not discuss ŵork/others outside of work or I'll have to limit our conversations. If it continues..follow theu with the consequences..period. Not hard to communicate.
Rising Star
You’re right to want boundaries. Politely let her know you value your friendship, but prefer to keep work discussions during work hours. Say something like, “Let’s save the work talk for the office—after-hours, I’m all about unwinding!”
I have a hard time with that too! Sometimes I’ll listen and then I’ll say, girl I don’t know about you but I’m drained from work stuff! I like my job and all but I just want to be worry free about that place, unless they’re saying nice things about something or someone.
Pro
Yes very true!
I consider it more respectful to communicate clearly with people- although I know how difficult it is! It does become easier with practice. When I feel nervous about it, I always ask myself whether I really want as a friend someone who gets upset when I politely set a boundary or voice a preference. Also, I think about what I'd prefer in their position. An ignored text usually means someone is just busy, but when it happens all the time, I start to think the person just isn't that interested in talking to me. It's easy to stop making an effort and to let a potential friendship lapse when you feel that way. If you actually want a friendship, it's better to let her know what's going on.
I don't think it's too blunt to say, in your own words, "It's great texting with you, but I'd be more comfortable if we could steer clear of work as a topic." You don't have to give a reason. Maybe you could follow it up with a question about her life outside work, her interests, etc. That shows you want to get to know her better as a friend.
All you need to hear is this: she's also talking sh*t about you too. Esp if you stopped responding, but even if you don't. She find "connection" through gossiping. Your best bet is to make her disappear in your own mind.
Pro
Yeah I really hope that isn’t the case with this person but I do worry about it
Nope. The if she gossips to you about someone else then she will gossip about you to other people. I’ve seen it first hand and it never fails. Don’t even get involved.
You can't completely cut the person off, but you can let him or her know you're not interested in discussions that has to with individual colleagues. You can redirect her to problem solving scenarios that's to do with your job. Encourage the person to stop discussing other staff but rather, initiate ideas that will help you guys improve your performance on the job.
Just tell her politely "you know when I come home it's so that I can be at peace. I'd rather leave work at work and not bring any of it into my home, so I'd rather not talk about work okay?"
Do yourself a favor and cut the cord on this gossip session after work. Trust me it will backfire and when it does It will NOT work out to your benefit. Experience has taught me that when people gossip about others they are talking about you as well to someone else. Set some boundaries and stop being the listening ear.
Politely state that you enjoy her company, but prefer to not discuss work. Setting that boundary is required; if they continue, advise you won't respond. I'm sure they will understand. Explanations with clear intent are always simple.
As per usual, we answer our own questions. Your last sentence reads " but I KNOW i should be more direct". Follow your intuition. Thats why we have it. Good luck, and if that dont work, then its more about her needing to get her frustrations out about work, not you two going back and forth in a conversation. The best advice I got is what everyone else said in one way or another (im going to find you, im going to getcha getcha getcha getcha.....sorry couldnt help it) back to it...make a comment your comfortable with. I would say "Gurl, listen, I can barely deal with my job as it is, the very last thing I even want to think about when Im not there is work. It stresses me out. But I still love everything else about our friendship, I just need to take a break from the work talk, I hope you understand". And I personally would put it in a text for two reasons. 1. She cant cut you off or try to make you believe its in your head.
2. Its there in a text for her to have a chance to read it more than once. It might just need to be understood by this person. Maybe in her opinion, she thinks that when you say you dont want to talk about work, she takes that as a "oh, she dont like work either, we have something in common". But the text will be black and white cemented words that explain how you feel and she can read it as much as she needs to, and maybe even get some clarification. NOW, can we talk about those commenters who have NO idea how long they go on and on and on and on and on. Oh, sooooo annoying. Lol. Good luck. 🍀
It is always best to be honest and kind with your words, about any given situation, but how you deliver your message is important for the one delivering the message as well as the one receiving. You want to always leave the atmosphere around you peaceful and receptive for interaction with others, regardless of where you are at any given time or place.
Honestly, when you give someone your phone number do you tell them what they can communicate or not communicate with you? They probably see you as the one person they can vent their frustration to about work. Gossip outside of work with co-workers you're comfortable with is normal. But if you feel uncomfortable engaging in these types of conversations, do not respond. They will eventually get the message that this is not what you do.
You said it yourself be direct. Explain to her what your rules are and if she can't oblige you know what to do. 👋🤚 kindly tell her to kick rocks.