I have a long commute and my husband makes me feel like a terrible person constantly. What can I do for more support? I’m the breadwinner (he works too + we have a young kid, he helps w kid more)

The next time he starts with the guilt trip, maybe try to change the conversation a bit. Instead of just listening to him complain, ask him what he sees as the solution to the problem. If his suggestion is to find an equivalent job somewhere closer, then let him know that it’s not that straightforward to just find another role on the same salary somewhere else.

Given you’re the main income earner, point out that you changing your job is likely to come with a pay cut, and impact on your lifestyle. If he’s not willing to make changes to your living situation (or it’s not possible to keep up mortgage payments etc. on a reduced income), then he’ll also have to change his job - would he be willing to change his job and potentially spend less time with your child as a result?

If you love your job and don’t want to leave it, is moving closer to your office a possibility? If it is and he still doesn’t want anything to change but you, then you may have a deeper problem on your hands than it truly being about a commute.

My ex wasn’t working when our son was born, and he still had a lot of thoughts about my job despite me generally working from home and my income being essential. Some men become quite insecure when their partner is the breadwinner, particularly when kids are involved and they’re also the primary caregiver. It’s a ridiculous attitude, and it’s one that’s nearly impossible to change. That said, without knowing any additional information, I can only presume. Is the guilting coming from a place of ‘you’re not doing enough because you’re never at home’, or is it ‘I’m worried you’re missing out on time with our child’? If it’s the second, then it’s at least coming from a better place.

If you have a frank and open discussion with your husband about this, and it boils down to him wanting you home out of insecurity rather than genuine concern that you’re missing out on time with your child or seem overworked or burnt out, then you’re unfortunately not likely to get the support you want. In that case, I’m tempted to say send your husband on a long commute down to a lawyers office...

I am also the breadwinner. My partner stays home. And I can tell you that some inherent biases on what the roles of the sexes in the home are have been hard to break — for both of us. I’m about to go agency side again and my partner knows he’s going to shoulder more of the weekday childcare. We’ve agreed that this is better for our stability over the long term. But he never guilt trips me over my hours. He asks for help. And we figure it out. Sounds like you have an attitude problem on your hands. Address that first. Solidarity.

If he needs more help and you’re not able to give it due to job/commute logistics, ask him what he thinks is a tenable solution. That could be getting a local teen to help out with dinner and bed time. Could be just figuring what you both could prep on the weekend (meals, clothes). He’s your partner, he’s not another dependent, and as such he should be a proactive part of the solution to his problem.

The problem isn’t your commute, it’s that your partner constantly makes you feel like a bed person. Does he offer options? Solutions? (Move, change jobs, get help) Get to therapy, this will not end well otherwise.

Ah, missed your clarification post.

Why is it if men work long hours it’s fine, but if women do they’re bad mothers/partners who aren’t doing their fair share?

Is this situation genuinely unfair? Does he work long hours, then have to look after your child and prepare meals, while you walk in and get to relax? Is he doing more than his fair share of the housework, childcare and meal preparation while also working full-time? In that case, he might have a point (though I wonder if it would still be such an issue in his eyes if you were doing more than your share while he worked), but you leaving your job might not have to be the solution to the problem - as the poster above pointed out, could in-home help be an option?

Again, there’s lots to consider - if your income was reduced, how would that impact your lifestyle? If you worked somewhere closer but didn’t enjoy your work, how would your stress levels and lowered morale affect your home life? An honest conversation about this is warranted.

VPBSD1, I think a trap many of we women fall into is feeling as though we should be grateful or feel ‘lucky’ when a man makes any effort at all, regardless of how much effort that actually is.

My ex has our son three to four days a week, for between 8-10 hours. I often have others tell me I’m lucky, because a lot of fathers wouldn’t be so involved. When they start on the lucky/be thankful spiel, I remind them of the following -

- I work, and he doesn’t.
- he doesn’t keep our son overnight.
- he doesn’t drop our son home, I have to add to my commute time to pick him up.
- he doesn’t pay for any of our son’s care beyond what he eats while he’s there.

If the shoe was on the other foot, and I was an unworking mother who didn’t contribute to the upkeep of my child beyond his lunch and snacks four days a week, didn’t both pick up and drop off my child to his primary home despite not having any other commute, and didn’t keep my child overnight on the nights he was due to return to my house the following day, leaving his working father to deal with any sleepless nights and grumpy mornings, I’d be considered a pretty crappy mother!

Four days a week wouldn’t be considered a good level of involvement for a mother - people would absolutely question why our son had to go to daycare at all if his mother wasn’t working and could take care of him (especially if they found out I was taking the time away from looking after my son and adding to his father’s expenses so I could go skydiving weekly).

None of this is necessarily to say that my arrangement with my ex is bad - I’m certainly glad that my son’s father is involved in his life in a positive way, and I’m glad that he contributes at all. But lucky? No. Should I be grateful that he’s making an effort that wouldn’t be considered good enough if it was judged by mother standards? Also no.

Your relationship with your husband should be a PARTNERSHIP. As equal partners, there should be the expectation of equal contribution. You shouldn’t feel lucky that he’s doing the bare minimum, and it’s okay to be annoyed that he’s letting his side of the partnership down.

Maybe he needs a stronger reality check - can you maybe pull up a list of houses in areas that would be affordable if you were to take a pay cut? Does he have hobbies that would have to go if your income was reduced? Men are visual - if he can see how much his standard of living would decrease by your income being reduced, it might change his mind on how essential your salary is (I wouldn’t hold my breath on him stopping the complaining if you’re even 30 minutes late though - that you’re probably stuck listening to until the end of time).

Thanks for all the thoughtful advice. ❤️

Thanks S&S1- the hobbies thing is spot on.

Just seeing this. This is my life! Breadwinner mom with a husband who works part time and makes a fraction of the money. He doesn’t do nearly as much at home as a woman would do in his shoes but he does way more than most working fathers do. I should feel lucky but he makes me feel like crap because I want to do a good job at work. He says we don’t need my job. He complains if I work more than 8 hrs a day. He just won’t grow up and realize we need this money I make. I’ve explained myself multiple times. What kills me even more is that if we ever divorced he would get half my income and half the retirement I’ve saved (he has saved none). This guy who claims we don’t need money would happily take half of mine.

(Should clarify: terrible as in never home to help)

Can you throw money at the problem to give a little relief? Evening babysitter a couple nights? More frequent house cleaning?

Also if possible, get some outside help? (Dying to have a cleaning lady 🙏🏻)