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Conversation Starter
That is a huge age difference. Alarm bells would be going off for me since it can definitely be predatory for a 40yo to be dating someone who is 24. I’m 26 and my aunt & uncle are 42 so I keep thinking of that (it’s the same age diff.)
I’d be skeptical as to why he has not found a woman his own age to date (are they noticing something more inexperienced women do not and/or does he have sexist views about aging women) and instead is going after someone barely out of college, in a totally different stage of life, who may be easier to control (from being inexperienced and less financially stable).
She should seriously consider the imbalances that could make it very difficult for her to leave a marriage with this guy (the individual security you have at 24 is vastly different than 40). Also, men’s fertility does decrease with age, so if children are important, that should be a consideration.
Conversation Starter
No, D8. Grow up.
Enthusiast
My parents are 13 years apart and have been happily married for almost 40 years. My dad has never once slowed down - he has more energy than anyone I know.
My husband and I are 10 years apart, and have been happily married for a decade. I met him at 22 and married him at 24. I have zero regrets, he is my absolute best friend, and we are stupidly happy together.
I’ll just say this - the people in my life who were not supportive of my marriage are no longer in my life. I will choose my husband and our family over any friend, any day of the week. Be cautious as you give her your advice.
I mean this kindly - you really don’t sound like you have any experience with long term relationships with someone who is older - I would be supportive but practical. Yes, they might be at different stages of life, which can be an obstacle. But there are plenty of potential relationship obstacles out there - I wouldn’t discount her relationship just because there is one obstacle that you would personally find unpalatable.
This. You hit the nail, EY3 👏
Your friend is happily with someone. The only situation that needs to be handled is yours - ask yourself why you think an adult female isn’t capable of making her own choices whereas her male counterpart is. When will the sexism end?
Enthusiast
Google 1 - I think from personal experience I can say that people in their early to mid twenties can sometimes rush into decisions that involve either love or money. I don’t mean to say that OP’s friend isn’t a grown up, but 24 is a bit too soon to think someone is the one, don’t you think? Yes there are couples who get married in HS and are still together but the divorce rate is also 50% so I’d say OP’s friend might need a bit more time to figure out if she really is okay with this age difference. Usually with time, comes maturity in decision making (usually) so…
Enthusiast
I'm 41 if she'd like to "level up."
😂
Enthusiast
Okay, then it's questionnaire time:
Make sure they've talked about:
Money
Careers
Time - do you value time together? Do you need alone time?
Family planning - kids? No kids? Parenting methodologies?
Expectations - emotional, physical, fitness, sex, financial, living situations etc
Literally google "things to talk about before marriage" and if you get through 3/4ths of them...
Ask them if I can come to the wedding. I'm shit at weddings, unless they want Beer Boys or Flower Boys. That's when I shine!
Conversation Starter
In my experience, 20somethings change their minds on a dime and eventually it will be the 40yo who gets screwed.
Even if your friend is making a mistake she's young and will recover quickly... her man, not so much.
Agreed with D1
I have an almost 12 year difference with my husband (now together 20 years) and would not recommend a larger gap than that generally. However, fact that she’s 24? She has a year or two to decide if she wants to move forward. If they are on the same page re kids and career etc and she’s otherwise happy - it is not outside realm of reasonable possibility that it could work well for both. Is he a young and healthy 40? My husband now early 50s, and nobody ever seems to notice or comment on our gap. He’s in much better shape than me. Our kids are 13/9. Very normal for nyc. I’m on younger side to be a mom to 13 year old but still normal outside professional services.
Unclear this is about $. Wasn’t at all for me, to the contrary.
Enthusiast
Two of my best friends both had dads who were 13-14 yrs older than their moms. They both had beautiful marriages and families. Unfortunately though, both of their fathers died in their early 60s of different types of cancer. The early passing of your spouse is definitely something to consider but other than that age didn’t appear to be an issue
My Dad was at least a decade older than my Mom. Not only did he outlive her (passed in his 90s), he took care of her as she deteriorated from dementia. She went first.
As everyone else is echoing, the age gap in my eyes is not an issue now. It can be a challenge if she chooses to have children and when he’s ready to retire.
Rising Star
If I were the young women's friend, I would just lay out some hard numbers here.
The median life expectancy for an American man is 75. For a women it almost 81. If they wait a few years to get married, it is likely that she will spend less than half of the rest of her life with him.
The over under on the age at which she will be a widow is 49. She will need to either find another partner or spend the last 3 decades of her life alone. Finding a partner at 50 is hard.
If he retires as 65, she will only be 39. Is she retiring with him to travel with him and then care for him? Or will she have a career and he will sit around the house until she takes her 3 weeks of vacation.
Things are good now but if you've been through aging with parents, you know there are some real cliffs where their capabilities fall off in the 60s or 70s. I don't think I would be ready to go through that with a partner when I am only in my 40s.
Tell her that he’s gonna look like a grandpa by the time she’s 35. Tell her the truth!
At last, better to be hurt by the truth than to be comforted by a lie.
Conversation Starter
Me to your friend:
Eh. It’s only 16 years. My dad is 11 years older than my mom and a few more years difference would absolutely be no issue, especially once you’re older.
Full disclosure - didn’t read all comments since there are so many. So this may have been covered already.
For me the issue is not so much the age difference. That’s a bit more than my mom and stepdads age difference, and they’ve been married for almost 30 years in an overall happy marriage.
My biggest issue is how different the stages in life they are. He has lived a full life and she is just starting. She will be handicapped from experiencing a lot about herself and the world, which will affect her life. Also if she wants to have children, they will have an aging father who may not be as active for them. Obviously that’s not always the case and a man in his 50s and 60s can be very present, but it’s something to consider.
When my mom met my stepdad, they had both already been married, had kids of their own, and generally grown up. My mom was well into her 30s. Although I think she is generally happy, and has been during her marriage, and he was an excellent stepdad, he is an old man now and she still has a lot to live. I can see how that is dragging her down. She would never admit it, but we can tell.
I don’t think you should tell her to stop seeing him, but ask her whether she has thought about these things.
This. I am 23 years younger than my husband, but married him at 29 vs 24. We have been married 25 years.
At first the age gap was not as much an issue for us - we did not want kids nor did he have any from his prior marriage. We were both working on our careers and were aligned on that.
Things got more difficult once he retired - even without the age gap it would have been difficult for my husband but the fact my career now drives decisions like where we live etc. causes conflict. Add in age related differences in sex drive, differences in social views, etc it puts the relationship under a lot of stress.
I’m not saying it can’t work out, but the problems will come. I would recommend a long engagement just to see if they can make it initially.
Enthusiast
This is not for you to handle. Why tell her to leave him if she is happy?
Pro
Tons of marriages fail daily with partners the SAME AGE. If marrying someone close in age is a recipe for a successful marriage, we as a society have FAILED.
You could worry about your own life and tell her whatever makes her happy works.
Rising Star
Age difference might become an issue in 20+ years when he’s in his 60s and ready to retire while she’s still in her 40s, or if she wants to have kids in 10 years or so and he’s ready to relax and slow down. It all depends on her future plans.
Rising Star
Good for your friend. Nobody is saying things will go wrong, but they should talk about their plans. Not everyone wants to look after kids after they retire, some people want to move south and enjoy the sun
Pro
Here is the thing. If they get married, she will find out if this was a good idea or not in 2-5 years, she will get divorced with financial benefits and she will still be in her 20s. If they are happy then good for them.
Hopefully the guys gets a prenup! Great way to weed out those who see you as a wallet with benefits.
Wouldn’t listen to anyone who says to worry about yourself and pipe down. Good friends are honest and give frank advice. And are understanding if the friend decides to ignore that advice and do whatever they think is right.
The thing I’d most wonder if my friend was in that situation and about to get serious is if she’s aligned her life goals to this partner. If she wants a family, would this man join along for the ride while knowing their kids will likely be in high school into his 60s? Stuff like that. Wouldn’t opine that unless I was asked but if you were asked, don’t see harm in making sure they’ve thought it through.
Note this is true of any relationship - regardless of age difference. People should talk about their life goals and make sure they agree on the important stuff.
Mind your own business. She's not really looking for your advice, she's looking for validation.
Rising Star
16 years difference is a stretch,unless he has $$$$.