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That is a huge age difference. Alarm bells would be going off for me since it can definitely be predatory for a 40yo to be dating someone who is 24. I’m 26 and my aunt & uncle are 42 so I keep thinking of that (it’s the same age diff.)
I’d be skeptical as to why he has not found a woman his own age to date (are they noticing something more inexperienced women do not and/or does he have sexist views about aging women) and instead is going after someone barely out of college, in a totally different stage of life, who may be easier to control (from being inexperienced and less financially stable).
She should seriously consider the imbalances that could make it very difficult for her to leave a marriage with this guy (the individual security you have at 24 is vastly different than 40). Also, men’s fertility does decrease with age, so if children are important, that should be a consideration.
Conversation Starter
No, D8. Grow up.
Enthusiast
My parents are 13 years apart and have been happily married for almost 40 years. My dad has never once slowed down - he has more energy than anyone I know.
My husband and I are 10 years apart, and have been happily married for a decade. I met him at 22 and married him at 24. I have zero regrets, he is my absolute best friend, and we are stupidly happy together.
I’ll just say this - the people in my life who were not supportive of my marriage are no longer in my life. I will choose my husband and our family over any friend, any day of the week. Be cautious as you give her your advice.
I mean this kindly - you really don’t sound like you have any experience with long term relationships with someone who is older - I would be supportive but practical. Yes, they might be at different stages of life, which can be an obstacle. But there are plenty of potential relationship obstacles out there - I wouldn’t discount her relationship just because there is one obstacle that you would personally find unpalatable.
This. You hit the nail, EY3 👏
Regardless of how you personally feel about the age gap, you should try to offer objective advice. Ex. "Your age gap isn't an issue for you now, but it would be smart to consider if it will be an issue for you in the future. Will that affect how you feel about him? Are you doing what's best for yourself in pursuing your relationship together?"
It may sound a little selfish and unromantic, but how romantic will it be if she realizes at 44--when he's 60 and possibly retiring soon--that this is not the stage she wants to be at in life? Or 64 and 80?
Yep when she’s still attractive at 40, is she going to be happy with someone almost 60?
My wife is 14 years younger than me and weve been together 13 years so it can work
Been there done that. My first husband was 23 yrs older. It was an amazing relationship until I grew into myself and realized he was a control freak. I had daddy issues, I was his mid-life crisis. We needed each other those 10 years and the relationship was very good.
Pro
Who’s ur daddie
It's not your situation to handle. If she is happy like you say then just be happy for her and move on.
Enthusiast
Will age bean issue in the future? Probably. But so can other things.
Be honest and tell her the age thing is a mental block for you and you can't really advise her on it.
But make sure she has talked about why they both want.
Wish your friend the best, be supportive, and when the relationship goes to hell you will be her shoulder to cry on. That is all you need to do.
If you say it’s a problem and then she marries him anyway, your friendship is probably going to be strained. Sure it may become problematic when it comes to kids, retirement, health issues but these are all things you can encourage her to talk about and try to at least see if they’re aligned.
Chief
Age/2 + 7 ? 🧐🧐🧐
Anything more than a 4 year gap is too much, change my mind.
Enthusiast
Before I change your mind, tell me why you believe this is true.
OP so I know this is gonna be a tough pill to swallow, but it’s a lesson that I had to learn myself over the past few years.
Unfortunately, we cannot make decisions for the people in our lives, no matter how much we would like to. We tend to want people close to us to make the decisions we would make in that same situation. But sometimes you have to let people go through the motions and learn life lessons themselves.
If I were you, I would sit them down and be honest, bring up the fact that this relationship does make you uncomfortable and state the reasons why. But also let your friend know that as long as she is in a happy and healthy consensual relationship with this person that you will support her. That’s all you can really do at the moment!
Enthusiast
Like, will it matter when he's 80 and she's 64? Maybe... maybe not.
She may be the one is shitty health at that age, or he might? Who knows. Will they take care of each other? What else matters?
But also, I'm 45 and the idea of being someone in their low 20's gives me heartburn. Have you actually talked to one recently? Morons.
Visual Storyteller
At 24 is this something she wants to commit to.
At 40, typically not look for short term relationships or flings.
Enthusiast
She basically married his dad, that’s your argument
Your friend is an adult and capable of making her own decisions. If he is financially stable, not a cheater and treating her well then there should not be an issue. If they love each other, their should not be an issue. Dating someone her age would be ideal but a lot of 24 year old men are not ready for commitment and they play a lot of games. Women mature faster than men.
Visual Storyteller
My husband and I are 7 years apart and now that we are older it is a real issue.
Enthusiast
We need more details. 20-27 is different than 45-52.
I find it weird but a good friend had the same age difference. Been together 20 years now so it works for some.
At 24, her life is just beginning..she will certainly feel the age difference even within the next 5-10 years if they stay together.
Future wise - when she’s in her mid 50s, He’ll be 80 and about 100 when she retires. The question at some point becomes is she willing to be a caretaker at middle age?
Enthusiast
Does he age twice as fast?
24 and 40 doesn’t seem bad, but 44 and 60 sound effin horrible
Let her find out on her own.
If she’s happy, he’s happy, there are no red flags, why break them up?