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I’ll keep it simple, try and find a way to not be bothered by it. What other people do with their time and energy should not affect you at all. You’re allowing it to for some reason and you need to find a way to move past it. Their bond seems strong and that’s a good thing.
Consider buying a new place that has an office for her or ask her to talk in the bedroom while your working. Has to be a work around.
I just came from a 5hr call with my sister and read this.. Also waiting for my other sister to wake up in her time zone to speak with her for a couple more hours. I multitask while on the calls and use a headphone. Fortunately my partner works upstairs and hardly hears me. Initially he would be upset that I would be engaged in a call when he came downstairs to have coffee with me, but now we have scheduled coffee times where I take a break and focus on him. I made it clear to him that I would never compromise my relationship with my sisters. Especially after previously being in an abusive relationship that started with me being isolated from my friends and family. I guess we are on the same page now and he is sucking it up.
Would you be on the phone 5 hours if you were in the office?
What is there to talk about? What topics occupy 3 hours of conversation and need to be discussed daily? I cannot fathom this.
Does she live near her sister? If she doesn’t she could miss her and want to visit her. Headphones can work.
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Ear plugs or a gaming headset so you can’t hear her. I really do think it’s a lose-lose if you bring this up
I told my office mate that my boss called me with a noise complaint one time. “I know our office I small, I guess we need to hold down the chatter. Didn’t realize they could hear everything going on in the office.”
Worked for about a day. She can’t help herself.
Rising Star
The only thing you could do is just express that it is distracting you from work and that maybe she could take the calls somewhere where you can’t hear or try to be a little more quiet but if it’s something that makes her happy I wouldn’t stop her from doing it, because at that point it’s not just being a jerk it is being controlling.
I’m a woman and frankly the wife needs a job. I would be 100% annoyed.
Be happy that she has such a great relationship with her family, that is a privilege.
If the noise level is bothering you just ask her to tune it down a bit. However it seems like you don’t relay like that she is spending so much time (so not really about noise). Why does is bother you?
On the flip side, try to be grateful that she has someone to talk to. For one, she is not bothering you when you work. Secondly, not everyone is fortunate to have someone that close. Having strong family ties is important. Many people do not have siblings with whom they have such a close relationship.
You are much more patient than I am about distractions. If my wife is annoying me, I tell her right then and there.
“(insert pet name here), do you mind when you talk to your sister that you go outside or to the car to talk? I think it's great that you and her have a great relationship where you can talk to each other daily, but its starting to be distracting and effect my performance at work.”
Seems pretty straight forward.
you've never said *anything* about it to her? I don't know how you could not if it's been affecting you. I'd start with a convo about it, then maybe try some headphones or another way to not hear if it's bothering you.
I didn’t read all the comments, but you have to define what is annoying? Just talking to her sister for long time?or because you didn’t get to talk to her as much because of that.
When my husband and I were working at home at the same time it felt like little annoyances were amplified just because of the close quarters and without other distractions you notice things more. For instance, he is a pacer on calls and I had my desk in the basement at the time and I’d just hear him walking around. Or he also doesn’t use headphones at home and just plays whatever radio show all day (loud).
I also have ADHD so noises can be extra amplified/annoying to my senses.
Does she use headphones too? Sometimes when I put mine in, I inherently talk quieter on calls, and then you’re not hearing the other side too. Could be a good compromise. You’re not asking her to stop talking to her sister, you get a little more relief.
It would bother me too on principle of I don’t think this is a good way to spend your time. To be fair if she fulfills all her duties towards the household then she should be able to do whatever she wants. But I wouldn’t be ok with my wife spending two hours on the phone if our household is in need of more money or work
I think you should focus more on the solution to your problem. If she is distracting you, try to enclose your office space so that the noise is not getting in the way of your work. Communicate your schedule to your wife so that she knows when you have meetings
Being me…I’d be pumping electronic music all day long…just loud enough to interfere with normal talking and send that phone conversation elsewhere. Because I can concentrate with lots of sound around me, as long as it doesn’t include words.
Noise cancelling headphones
It sounds like this is partly an introvert/extravert conflict. I'm an introvert and if my spouse was on the phone with his family for that many hours a day I would be exhausted just listening to it. So I think it's reasonable that you might find the exposure to that conversation being taxing, even if you aren't participating in the conversation and don't have any issues with the relationship your wife has with her sister.
My somewhat similar life situation is that as soon as my kids come home from school they invite their friends over and play downstairs, loudly. Which is great, we want them to socialize rather than sitting on screens, but by the end of the evening, I am irritable and frustrated and desperately wanting some peace and quiet, even if I have been in my office alone with the door shut the entire day. The noise alone really can be draining.
So if that resonates with you, I think it's worth mentioning that it is difficult for you to focus with the chatter in the background. Maybe there are certain hours of the day where she could promise to not talk on the phone or do so outside or in the car so that you can get some quiet and focused time? It's not reasonable to ask her to change her relationship with her family, but I think it is reasonable to set boundaries on how much those conversations intrude on your day to day life.
So there are people that talk on the phone and truly enjoy it and there people who get to the point and get off. I don't like talking on the phone but understand people who do.
The question I have for you is...if she were one of those managers that have back to back meetings daily and needed to talk on the phone would it bother you? If the answer is no then it's the fact that she's talking to family all day.
My mom and sister can talk all day long and still get work done so it is possible. Just depends on the person. I also understand that talking with family you are a little louder and can get excited over things.
So just ask your wife to be a little quieter because you get distracted easily and it's harder to work. That may deter an argument. Then put your headphones on.
Your feelings are valid and you should be able to voice them in a healthy relationship with your partner. You don't need to judge anyone and no one should judge you.
I struggle voicing my own feelings because I pretty much think through it all like if there were voices in my head that were all the same as the ones in this thread. So I can totally see why it took 2.5 years to even post it on a public forum.
I have only tried therapy once, but I know many who have benefitted. Just being able to give a voice to your feelings can be therapeutic. I would even say that to your partner, that you are considering therapy because of XYZ. This may not be a her problem, or a problem where there is a solution that is known right now but this is how you feel. Hopefully that will set you on a different happier path then the one you have been on for the last 2.5 years.
Little or big, its a feeling that you have and its not unreasonable. Please feel empowered to voice your feelings. Many Kind returns, & Best of luck.
Would she be ok if you talked every day this long to members of your family? On the other hand hard to undo family dynamics that are rooted in childhood. So decide whether you love her enough.
Talking this long to anyone every day seems a little dumb to me, tbh. Like does this person have any internal life at all?