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I’ll keep it simple, try and find a way to not be bothered by it. What other people do with their time and energy should not affect you at all. You’re allowing it to for some reason and you need to find a way to move past it. Their bond seems strong and that’s a good thing.
Consider buying a new place that has an office for her or ask her to talk in the bedroom while your working. Has to be a work around.
I just came from a 5hr call with my sister and read this.. Also waiting for my other sister to wake up in her time zone to speak with her for a couple more hours. I multitask while on the calls and use a headphone. Fortunately my partner works upstairs and hardly hears me. Initially he would be upset that I would be engaged in a call when he came downstairs to have coffee with me, but now we have scheduled coffee times where I take a break and focus on him. I made it clear to him that I would never compromise my relationship with my sisters. Especially after previously being in an abusive relationship that started with me being isolated from my friends and family. I guess we are on the same page now and he is sucking it up.
Would you be on the phone 5 hours if you were in the office?
To clarify, my annoyance is two fold:
1. We have a small house, so I either have to hear her entire conversation, or put on noise canceling headphone. For the whole day.
2. (And this is the one I am primarily asking “am I being unreasonable here”) I just find it annoying. Do you really need to talk to someone that much? Is it that hard to find other things to do? It’s basically as if her sister lived here, and they just talk and hang out. all. The. Time.
Similar to your wife, I do that too with my family. I speak with my mom and sister (dad sometimes pitches in as well) everyday after work. And during the weekends it’s longer. We are a very close family but my husband’s family calls are literally less than a minute.
At the beginning he didn’t say anything about being annoyed. Then at some point, he mentioned it and I was ok with it because I wasn’t aware that’s annoying him.
Now, he sits in on the conversation and I try to end the call a bit earlier so we can spend time together.
When he has enough of speaking to my family, he goes into the other room and I get the message and end the call.
You’re married - you should be able to be honest about your feelings with your wife.
Good luck!
(F/ 35)
I don’t think that I’m going to be in the majority here but talking to someone that much everyday kind of seems like she has nothing to do. All while you’re working. I like that she’s so close with her sister but but at some point you wonder if she could be doing something else. Also it sounds distracting.
Sounds like co-dependent relationship with a sibling. That’s just too much and should we worked out in therapy.
My gf used to talk to her parents 3 times per day. It bothered me because I felt like we didn't have as much privacy since she was giving them updates on every little thing multiple times a day. I also realized root of why it bothered me was because she had such a close relationship with her parents that it didn't seem like she was making time for me And because I was jealous since I don't have a good relationship with mine.
In short, therapy helps you figure yourself out so you learn not to project it onto others or at least recognize when you do so you can counteract how you're feeling. If she's too loud on the phone, just tell her to keep it down.
While therapy is great for helping figuring yourself out it will not address everything. You wrote that you have been married for 6 years but did not mention if she has always talked to her sister this often or if this behavior started recently. In general toxic relationships are always discussed in which one person is controlling someone else through words/actions. Which really boils down to not having good boundaries with someone.
However, when the relationship is a positive one there can be something called "enmeshment" which depending on this circumstance can apply here. To provide a quick definition enmeshment is "personal boundaries are diffused, sub-systems undifferentiated, and over-concern for others leads to a loss of autonomous development." There can be levels of enmeshment as well. So depending on the circumstance with your wife and sister as well as what your emotional world is like will all need to be considered. An honest conversation with your wife and therapy for you is a good place to start. However your wife may need to change the dynamics with her sister as well or not depending on the circumstance.
As someone coming up on his 20y anniversary, my advice is that this falls in the "quiet sabotage" bucket. Any conversation about this is lose-lose, so the solution is to have your phone carrier flag your SiL's # as spam.
Yikes! Geeeeeez
Start FaceTiming your sister, brother, uncle, random hobo for 3 hrs a day
I’m a woman and this would drive me crazy. And note for those suggesting headphones, he’d still hear the wife’s side of the calls, which could still be distracting.
Exactly TM1, our voices on social calls tend to be much different than on work calls (usually louder, more boisterous, more everything). That’s all I’m saying. Headphones are a fine solution but OP may also need to talk to the wife in about the noise/distraction in general.
Not sure why people are getting so defensive. And a coworker in an office laughing isn’t an all-day thing.
Is the issue that she’s talking to her sister or that you find it distracting while you’re trying to work?
If she also WFH and was on work calls all day would you tell her she needed a new job? If she isn’t using headphones or minding your space I would definitely ask her nicely to do so as you also have to work. If hearing just her voice is annoying you then it might be a bigger issue…Is it annoying that you are working and she isn’t so she should be quiet? If you were at an office she could talk on the phone, watch tv, vacuum, play music, etc in her home.
Total outsiders opinion, but reading what you wrote my first thought is you are jealous. A bond between sisters is huge and some women just love to talk on the phone. Are you jealous of her bond with her sister? If she’s not bashing you during her conversations then let it be. Put on your noise cancelling head phones and don’t be a grump!
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I feel you, OP. My mom and 4 sisters talk on the phone a lot, and one younger sister is a drama queen who does not know how to whisper. On top of that, she plays violin and piano often throughout the day (she is good at both, too). When I do work from home when visiting my parents, I can go nuts when she is around. While wholesome people are engaging in wholesome activities, it doesn't take a genius to understand what you mean regarding it being unpleasant. When you are trying to get work done in a demanding job, distractions need to be at a minimum.
I don’t think this is unreasonable at all, and the people who are saying so are wrong. Here to validate you.
I think being around other people while talking on the phone is generally bad manners. Obviously some exceptions but this isn’t one of them. I think it’s sensitive to bring up to your wife, but I think you should!
This is marriage. I mean, dude it's her HOME she is allowed to talk to who she wants to for however long she wants to whenever she feels like it. If she's getting her job done and whatever her share of the housework is, why is this your business? There are plenty of noise solutions if it bothers you. My next door neighbor's driveway is literally right outside my office and he RUNS outside with the leaf blower whenever a single leaf appears and it's super fking annoying but you know what I did? I bought shooting range earplugs and I wear them when I have the windows open so noises like that and the endless construction, endless mowing, etc (I live around a lot of retired people so they do yard work or hire landscapers to do it all day long during spring, summer, and fall) do not bother me.
When you get irritated with the sound of your spouse's voice or the way they do something like this, it's a sign of too much togetherness. Find a co-working space and work away from home or buy some really good earplugs and let her live her life. It ain't hurting you.
This right here.
Let her talk otherwise she’ll need to fill in that time talking to YOU and I’m sure you don’t want that!
Haha. Wise words.
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How does she have that much free time to chat every day? That would drive me nuts from a pure lack of productivity perspective.
Are you jealous of that flexibility maybe, that could be eeking in to your feelings? My roommate and I both work from home and her job is a lot less stressful than mine so her mornings are slow, plays some games mid day, and can usually wrap up by 5. It was the most obnoxious thing in the world to me and it still catches me where I’m like are you doing anything???? I saw you say multiple times it was just the fact the sister had a virtual life in your home but a comment like this also hints at a small jealousy due to perceived inequities.
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I would be upset too if my husband spent 2 hrs daily talking to my BIL. I love my parents and sisters but would never consider talking to them for 2 hrs daily with all I have to do at home, my kids, my husband and my job.
Once married, my parents and sisters become extended family; my husband and kids are my immediate family. Needs of immediate family come first above all other relationships. The majority of my time and attention should be spent on my husband and children.
IMO, there isn’t a need to spend 2 hrs catching up with my sister or mom if I had already talked to them 2 hrs the day before. I try to call parents daily but it’s a quick chat maybe 10-15 minutes with my mom on the way to drop off kids to school or while on an errand. Some days are more hurried and not call my parents for a few days but do catch up on Sundays for a bit after having dinner with my husband and kids.
I don’t have advice as to what to tell your wife, but I do think SIL calling your wife to talk for hours on end every day during times when you are both working or wanting to be together at home is inappropriate in-law behavior.
This is worded perfectly
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Lol this could have been written by my husband 😅
That could be fun!
Welp! Is this my sisters husband?🤭🤭🤭
Buy her a flight to visit her sister for a month.
Also here to say it's reasonable to be annoyed. Your thoughts are getting to judging how much they talk because you're annoyed by the distraction in the first place. Would it really be different if it was a coworker who talked on the phone all day? Even work related calls? It really depends on your relationship, but probably easiest to focus your concerns with her over having a quiet workspace for yourself, that wearing headphones all day is uncomfortable, and hearing their convo distracts you from work. When my husband works from home with me, my day definitely looks different. I play soft music he likes instead of crime podcasts. You both can find balance, it seems very one-sided right now.
Thanks this is a really helpful perspective. That is spot on.
It seems very inconsiderate given you’re living and working in shared home space.
Personally it would drive me nuts too.
Could you make a “house rule” that anyone’s phone call > 10min needs to be done in a closed door room? For the sake of being able to concentrate, have silence, calm, privacy, etc especially during the work day.
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I’d argue if you are going to be oblivious to your partner’s needs and how your actions impact them in a shared household (as the op’s wife is here) , you should not be married.