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I think I might get a divorce
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Mentor
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Talk to them and agree on next steps. Perhaps that is therapy perhaps not.
Don’t ignore or pretend everything’s ok by having affairs.
Presence of kids has nothing to do with any next steps.
Get a Harley - you’ll be fine
Mentor
This is a great question. I hear the arguments around trying to make it work, honor the agreement, pretend for the kids, and why working on your marriage is important.
But, I am conflicted for OP based on the situation described.
You have only one life. Love is a great feeling which makes life worth living. It brings joy, and makes you look forward to the future. Every day without it tastes a bit less and you only have so many left.
You may be able to control some of the love. But if it is not there it just isn’t. It is an emotion, not a transaction. Would you spend life with a random stranger you have no attraction to? What’s the point? A vague sense of satisfaction of honoring a commitment made years ago where the other person did not? How long do you try to find it again?
Or do you give yourself and your current spouse the opportunity to start again and live life to the fullest instead of compromising and building resentment?
What if there is someone else out there for OP and the current spouse and they could both be happy?
I am curious if therapy has worked for other folks.
EYP1 i've had to calm down a close friend that also started questioning everything in his life that lead up to where he is now. I never understood that self-destructive thought process because I can't see how every pivotal decision has been a pure mistake.
Sorry you’re going through this and to be so direct - take care of yourself and leave
Perfect is the enemy of good. Accept good for now and many years in the future you will be grateful for a peaceful life. Striving for the perfect love will cause more pain than you expect.
Started like this for me - ended in a relatively amicable divorce two years later. In hindsight we should have ended the marriage right there.
Try therapy first. It changed everything for us.
Not sure if you’re the husband or the wife in this scenario - also not sure if it makes a difference.
Speaking as someone who was married, had kids, got divorced and got remarried to someone who was a better match for me long term: divorce sucks, divorce with kids REALLY sucks, and love is more a verb than a feeling anyway. If the romance is gone but the respect remains, try therapy and see if something can be rekindled.
How much more do you want the love to go on for? You both gave everything you have to each other over the years. What more do you want from each other?
If shes not asking for a divorce, you shouldn't either. Just let it go and keep your eye on the ball so you can retire peacefully
Why not do therapy and try to find the spark again? Maybe I’m naive, but can you really just “stop loving” the person you built your whole life with? I can see that things can get stale, but if you both put in effort to honor each other and do your past in stoking the fire for your collective relationship, it might be worth a shot.
No therapist is going to create spark for you
Definitely try therapy. If it doesn’t help, discuss open marriage, last resort divorce.
Open marriage? How is that healthier than divorce?
Therapy and take some time off to focus on the relationship. That should prove that you are committed to at least going through the process. Even if it doesn’t work out, that should make the divorce process more amicable and you can say you truly gave it your all.
@OP: Have you tried talking to them and asking them honestly - why do they feel trapped? It might be worth understanding what’s the root cause driving them to behave like this.
Is it due to the day-to-day grind? Or if they are a SAH spouse, do they feel like they’re not being valued and feel like while you’re getting ahead in your career that they are falling behind and have nothing to show for it (besides kids)? Do they have hobbies or interests outside of kids and the home for them to continue to grow and feel challenged / fulfilled?
Or is it stemming from financial matters - that they don’t feel like they have an equal say in it because you’re the breadwinner and hence feel “trapped”?
While they may not be interested in therapy, maybe try having this discussion with them and share with them how you feel and what you could both do to make this situation better for both of you?
Get your assets ‘in order’
Keep her on paper but find a another lady to take to dinner and drinks, who is up for wherever it goes
What’s this going to solve for OP?
I think you really need to fix the first sentence.
Things are good otherwise? How could things be good when you admit there is no love? Step one is getting very honest were this is bad, where it is bad and how bad is bad? And did I stoop so low in how I view love that bad love is now good love then ask yourself is this definition what I want for my kids?
When you kid yourself and say bad is good its dangerous, you wont see the real damage. If you cannot see the real damage how can you heal it? How can you determine what is really acceptable? For you, for a spouse, for the kids?
The rest is not good, you do not need a therapist to admit this, ask yourself alone in a room this is what is bad, bad for me, you and kid do we want to fix this honest definition of our marriage? If yes, then get a therapist and get to work.
Coach
Tell them you have quit your job to focus on the relationship. That you are sure you can muddle through financially with some belt-tightening, but you did it for them. See how they take that news.
I have actually tried this. And half implemented it. Doesn’t end well at all.