To my moms that are the bread winners I need some insight. I am going to leave my husband. Our home is in his name only for our loan but both names are on the deed. There is no way he can support the home by himself but I can and then some. Has anyone ever been through this? I am trying to cause as minimal disruption to our children 12 and 17. I have waited for 19 years for change and accountability and I finally figured out he is a textbook narcissist. I appreciate any insight. TIA.

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I’d definitely talk to an attorney who knows divorce laws in your state about what your options are - in some states where everything gets split evenly a spouse who wants to drag things out will have a lot of power to do so. If you are not in that type of circumstance you may have a bit of leverage and if your spouse is more cool-headed / willing to put the kids first you may be able to strike a deal that leaves you in the house. Good luck to you!

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Whats your principal thought when you accept to leave your partner.
What you and your partner will gonna do ?

Thank you 🙏

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Save enough for the next 6-12 months. Hope your elder one is in college and is sorted with admissions etc.
for younger one, better to have indirect interactions… save something concrete for his studies. Have 1-2 family or friends as your back up. You can have bank accounts, passports, Aadhar, etc sorted. Have you checked what your kids feel about this?

Oh in that case you should focus on gathering documents and finances sorted. If kids are also slight disconnected then there is no point in dragging.

You'll just have to negotiate the separation with regards to the house. He knows he can't afford it on his own, so he won't be able to really contest you on that. I think you might have to pay him out for it but that's normal. I assume y'all have already tried therapy and nothing has worked?

That was enough 3 therapist ago and possibly 4!

I’m looking forward to seeing the alimony payout from the other side for once.

Wow. You are a disgusting individual say that to my children that grew up in a home watching their father terrorize and cause trauma that they’ll have to deal with for the REST of their lives. I hope you nor anyone you love ever has to endure with me and my boys I’ve had to go through. I hope you don’t have a daughter that one day felt she had to endure and suck it up because she thought she was doing the best for her family. I hope you don’t have a sister that is found in the same situation or a female cousin or an aunt or heck maybe even your mother. Screw you.

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19yrs is very long way, is he earning very less now only or since from your initial days of marriage?

I am really sorry to hear that first of all, OP. Secondly usually you can negotiate this in mediation, however, in my experience you may have to buy out his equity in the home in order to keep it. Otherwise it has to be sold and the proceeds have to be split but I do think that depends on what state you are living in.

When it comes to things like this, it really is best to get an attorney. I worked in the superior courts in my state for 12 years. I have seen PLENTY of divorce cases. Even the amicable cases are terrible. Just to start there. What I have come to learn is that even if both parties agree on how property and debt should be split, it just doesn't go smoothly. An attorney is going to save you headaches in the long run. I understand they cost money but I promise you, they are worth the money. Especially those working the family law courts. It's worth your money. It will give you a great deal of protection during this process.

About your children... no matter what you do to try and lessen the trauma of a divorce, it's not going to work. The trauma will happen, and the best thing is to be open and available to your children to have difficult discussions. Obviously, there are lines you won't cross. Information they just don't need. However, they are going to have hard questions. They will blame themselves, and they will tear themselves down. It's just what happens. If your children aren't in counseling, please get them into counseling. Having tools to cope will allow the transition to be better for them. They need to know that life will never be like it was before, but what is great is that you can build something new and exciting together.

To give you some reference of what you will be dealing with...I was tortured by dad all through my childhood. Legit tortured. I'm the oldest of 5, and I was the only one who suffered any abuse from him. I thought I was doing something wrong. I was constantly working for my dad's approval and love. My dad became sick, and I eventually would be the one who mostly made sure he was OK and things were on the up and up at his house. Even though he had caused me so much physical, mental, and emotional harm, I had a built-in belief that he was my responsibility until his death. That is basically what happened. Even though he's dead, I'm still working through the issues. What he's imprinted on them as young children is now a belief system. They will need good counseling.

My ex husband and I divorced in 2017 when our kids were 3 and 6. We agreed to and filed everything ourselves without attorneys. We went before a judge who looked us in the eyes to make sure we felt everything was fair. I kept the house. We did a "refi cash out" and I paid him for his half of the equity and I put mine back down on the new mortgage. It took cooperation and we both had to sign a lot of documents to repaper everything in exclusively my name, but it can be done. Tip: If you can compromise on something he really wants, maybe it can be amicable. My ex had a 20-some year retirement/pension account that he really wanted to keep/not split. I agreed to that and he was cooperative on the house and other finances.

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