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Really tough situation and I feel your pain. My wife is a lawyer and we had our first kid together. I had others from a previous marriage. We had just moved so she could take a new job, in the process of buying a house, and found out about the new addition to the family.
So I can totally empathize with you. She had gone a top tier law school and didn't want to back off of her career trajectory and be a SAHM yet she really wanted to spend time rearing our child (as did I).
If you are on the law firm career path really hard to step off and get back on. She stepped away and honestly it screwed here career there. She tried the contract jobs and they sucked really bad and were boring AF for her. She found a good contract gig but Covid hit and they didn't renew after a year. Hard as hell but she scored another contract job during Covid, but there was a 6 month gap, as got it mostly as a result of her great law school connections. That got us through Covid and out the other side.
She didn't want to go back to the law firm as WLB sucks if you have a family. She ended up getting a job at an IB. Less money than the law firm would have been paying her if she stuck with it at this point but pretty good money. WLB isn't great but somehow we are making it work with our tough schedules and the kid.
Don't do the daycare. FULL STOP! Total PITA and not worth it. In retrospect SAHM wasn't the best option nor was working. They both were bad for us. That 6 month gap of her not working was hell. We had planned to rent the old house but had issues and were covering the mortgage on the new one with my salary alone. There was no safety net and it was stressful AF.
Don't even want to talk about how whacked her hormones were after childbirth. Post partum depression is a thing and NOBODY tells you how bad it can really get. DM me if you want to know more. They gloss over it in childbirth classes and when you have issues nobody will effin' help you.
If my wife could have stayed in a reduced capacity at her work, or had a part time option, that would have been best. She really needs to stay in her field and keep up with all the CPE bullshit too if relevant for your state.
2 YOE? Yeah she shouldn’t give up work. I only figured out office politics after 5 YOE. She just has to find another job or get coaching. Btw I love that you support her career and don’t want the power dynamic. The world needs more men like you
Not meaning this as a knock, but I’m genuinely curious as to why your wife is even considering having children with you if you’re being serious here
Your story’s changing way too much for me to keep up but I do wish you the best. Again to me this is still coming across as savior complex/ about you with unclear intent but I want to believe you
Maybe do some research, watch the film “Daddy Daycare” with Eddy Murphy, then come back and we can discuss further
This. Everything you need to know about running a Day Care you can learn from movies. Also, watch that scene in Star Wars where Annakin turns into Darth Vader and pays a visit to the younglings in the Jedi temple.
She can work part time or take a much easier (albeit lower pay job) but not terribly low given that she’s a lawyer. I’ve heard of jobs seeking JDs to review documents online, completely remote.
Also do keep in mind that once the kid is here your perspective can change drastically. You’ll shop around for daycares and see how much they cost -you may see that what you’re actually getting in quality and the enormous sum you’re paying isn’t enough to justify putting your kid in it. Plus the emotional feeling handing your tiny baby over to a daycare. The right answer here is to start building a life that requires only 1 income, have kids because you both want to, and then keep an open mind and don’t put hard expectations of work vs stay at home on each other. She doesn’t need to decide right away -she can stay employed through the pregnancy, get paid maternity leave, and make a decision when it’s time to go back. Some mothers can’t wait to get back to having an adult outlet through work, and others can’t bear to leave their 4-6 mo old. Either way, it takes being in the situation and time and grace towards each other to make that decision. Best of luck!
Live with less money. Your children will have better lives with involved parents who hold them during the day and have the time to keep them out of public schools. And why does your wife need a six figure salary for you to listen to her lol? It sounds like you want your wife to take on your responsibilities as well as hers. That's what a weak man does and it usually spells the end of a marriage after a few years
Lot of assumptions here SA1
We specifically moved to a place with a top school district. High taxes and enough rooms for a handful of kids. We busted our asses to get where we are.
I listen to every word she says. I am upset on her behalf and I want to see her succeed. She did 3 years of law school and earned the top of her class. Why should she be burned from one job and not get back up on the horse?
I do not want her to take on my responsibilities. Funny enough, I do the lion’s share of our chores (as a remote professional, almost all the house work goes on me in addition to the majority of cooking and cleaning etc.)
Don’t try to predict a future on a character you don’t know.
This whole conversation is one for you and your wife - not FB. As for the daycare thing… no idea what to say. You say you don’t want her to lose her law career trajectory as partially reason for a this post - where does daycare fit into enhancing her law career prospects? There are other ways for you to generate income that are about 100x smarter in terms of ROI - investments, proprietorship, etc
My feedback is to respect what your wife may want to do in this situation given she’s the one having the kids and with the potential consequences to her career. You haven’t mentioned anything about her preferences yet, unless I missed it somewhere.
Sure. My point is to take into consideration what she wants to do and not impose your preferences/ what you think she should do. Even if well- intentioned, that’s not going to help anything. My two cents. Good luck
Kids change things, including perspectives. Why don’t you want her to be a SAHM?
On 3. I suggest treating your partner as a true partner so all income combined whether 1 or both are working outside the home. No “veto” power when you both respect and see the value of the other persons work. My partner is full time with a child right now and it’s very clear for us that care-taking for our child is hugely important and difficult work which we don’t want to outsource. Hence 100% of the income we receive as a family is just that, family income.
Rising Star
😂😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣🤣
This dude. He's something alright.
Rising Star
Yup
So…you want your wife…who has to carry your child for 9 months…to work the entire time that she should be focused on delivering a healthy child to the world? And at the very least to then return to work force…immediately after having a child?…
Selfish is too soft a word for you and honestly, my advice to her is to seek a divorce sooner rather than later.
Not immediately, but yes I do want her to have a career. What that looks like I am open to.
Open and run a daycare? Are you being serious?
Don’t do the home daycare thing, your child will go to school and your wife will be a SAHM without a child to care for.
Rising Star
Hilarious.