Venting :: I have this cousin who thinks she can just show up without calling or asking? She was unpleasant, criticised me for not cooking enough despite the fact that there were so many groceries close by, complained about me waking up at 8 am and how she hates my dogs and wish to strangle them, last time she stayed over. I can’t tolerate her but have the pressure of calling her home for the holidays cause she is home sick 😓

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Is your family dynamic such that you could just start very firmly saying you have things going on and can't accommodate unannounced guests? And then just hold the line and don't even answer the door if they just show up?

This is what I do with one of my relatives after many years of slowly losing my marbles. Didn't go over well the first couple times but your space is your space.

likeuplifting

Sigh! You are right. It’s such a stressful and toxic experience..

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She sounds so toxic! I was tolerating her up until the the part about hating your dogs. She’s a guest in their/your home. She needs to recognize that and she can do so with some boundaries.

likeuplifting

But I also realize that family pressure dynamics are difficult. Is there a spouse in the picture? I think if you both have a united “we are not hosting this person” front, your family might back down.

It’s not fair but are you in a money position to get her a (not that nice) hotel?

uplifting

I hope you are done being used as her doormat. Tell her you aren’t hosting overnights anymore.

likeuplifting

As others have said, set boundaries, be firm, be clear, and be prepared to have some relationships hurt and potentially cut off like with your cousin (“sibling” as your dad put it)

likeuplifting

Tell her she’s not welcome anymore. Being related should not be an excuse for being rude or toxic

likeuplifting

Your cousin sounds incredibly rude. Honestly, if she comes over again, I’d be equally rude. She is complaining there isn’t enough food? “There are plenty of grocery stores and restaurants… feel free to help yourself.” She is complaining about dogs? “This isn’t a hotel, it’s my dog’s home and you know I have them. Stay at a hotel if you don’t want to see or hear them.” She doesn’t like how early you get up? “You know where no one will wake you early? A hotel. Next time, you should consider booking one.”

For every single rude comment, clap back. Don’t change your behavior, don’t keep your dogs away from her - just live your life and don’t take her nonsense. Hopefully the next visit, you’ll have made it so uncomfortable that she doesn’t want to stay. If she does, then tell her that based on all her complaining last time, a hotel sounds like a better option for her.

likeuplifting

Don’t you have RING? Don’t open the door. Simple. Let her sit there for hours.

funnylikeuplifting

She’s a cousin. There is no need to tolerate such abuse and toxicity. Tell her she needs to stay in a hotel.

likeuplifting

If someone felt comfortable telling me they want to strangle my dog, I would feel comfortable telling them I want to strangle them.

You should be a gracious host, and they should be a gracious guest. If they can’t hold up their end of the bargain, they should be corrected.

likefunny

This was relatable up until the part about wanting to strangle dogs. That person would not be welcome into my home, and certainly no where near my dog ever again.

likeuplifting

Are you desi?

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South Asian 🥲

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I figured. South Asian families can be tough. They are toxic, abrasive, critical, judgmental, and have no sense of personal space. And the funny thing is that if you call them out of any of these things, they get hurt and defensive and act like a victim.

Space is the only way to fix this. Set boundaries and be upfront with your expectations.

likeupliftinghelpful

Just claim you have covid, just few days before she comes and cancel her trip.

funny

Set some ground rules- you are welcome to come but this is how it is going to go: no comments about the dog. You are expected to bring X, Y, Z food to contribute and help cook. Etc. etc.

Or just say no. Your dad will be pissed but oh well. He is not the one having to deal with her.


One of my good friends was stuck in a family dynamic like this and couldn’t figure out how to effectively set boundaries that were respected by her toxic family members so she and her SO started a new tradition of going out of town to a resort (skiing, beach, etc.) for holidays. Her POV was that if the family didn’t care enough about her to treat her with respect then she didn’t care to spend her precious time off with them.

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