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I would’ve expected along the lines of your mom should join us for dinner. Even if she didn’t want to, she should’ve offered. Family is important after marriage and this incident is a glimpse into the future
Agreed. I told her this and she said she knew I wouldn’t do that. She’s not wrong because we also had my baby nephew with us and it was nearing bedtime etc so it wouldn’t be feasible at all to leave again to go to my place then back. But the next best option is for her to suggest I keep my mom company I think
I'm surprised you are here asking about this. Guys typically have good discernment, and I'm not sure why you are ignoring your intuition.
This has absolutely nothing to do with time management. You only learned that she was going to be alone after dropping her off. It also has nothing to do with communication. You called and communicated with your gf to make alternate plans as soon as you learned that your mom was going to be alone.
From the other examples you gave, you must know this already. Your gf is narcissistic and self-centered. She obviously doesn't have your or your family's best interest at heart, it's all about her. She is mean hearted towards you and your mom and you're not even married. Do you/she realize this is her potential mother in law? If she really loved you, she would've invited your mom to have dinner with you all.
The only person with a golden heart in your story is your mom. Despite learning how your gf disrespected her and her son, she still wanted you to go and have dinner with your gf. Bless her heart. She deserves a better daughter in law.
She’s 27
Chief
Brother, run. You said this isn’t the first time. Do you really want a lifetime of this?
There’s a general failure to communicate that seems a common thread here:
- You didn’t tell your mom / sister that you had plans that evening
- You didn’t tell your gf about change of plans until you were already late for your original plans
- It seems you have prior cases of adjusting your plans and not communicating them
- doesn’t seem like you picked up on the importance of this dinner to your gf
Your gf may be overreacting a bit - but could also be this is just piling on to something she’s already developed resentment over based on prior incidents.
I wanted to spend today (Saturday) with my mom so I went over at 10am and told my gf I’d come back by 6pm (per her request) because she’s been wanting to cook steak and we agreed we’d do it tonight. In the evening when I went to drop off my mom at my sister’s, I learned my sister and her husband went out for dinner since my mom was with me, and my mom thought maybe we’d have dinner together. I felt bad to leave my mom alone for dinner so I called my gf (it was 6pm at that point as I was running a bit late) and asked if it’s fine if I stay to have dinner with my mom as I don’t want to leave her alone. She got furious and hung up. My mom didn’t want me to stay after i told her about the cooking plan with my gf (she didn’t know) and said I should go home so my gf doesn’t wait. She insisted so I went home.
We got into an argument with my gf. She said
she doesn’t appreciate being cancelled on and said I was disrespectful and putting her 2nd. She said she had been looking forward to cooking steak with me for weeks and I ruined her night. I told her this is the first Saturday I spent 1-1 time with my mom since she came 3 weeks ago and that I would have expected my partner to proactively suggest and encourage I spend more time with my mom - let alone getting mad that I didn’t want to leave her alone for dinner. She said that’s not her responsibility and that my poor time management shouldn’t be her problem - if I can’t spend enough time with my mom over the 6 weeks she’s here. I told her weekdays it’s harder to do after work and also because my mom usually helping my sister with the babies.
But she’s adamant that I was disrespectful for wanting to cancel on her when she’s been looking forward to cooking steak together and that something like this would never happen with her parents. She said “It's about the fact that you knew we had plans, and you chose to stay longer for something that wasn’t urgent, then acted like I’m the problem for being upset.”
To me - this is really alarming. Not only does she not consider that I should spend time with my mom by encouraging me to do so, but she is pissed when I tell her about the situation and not wanting to leave my mom alone. I would expected an empathetic and supportive response like “yes ofc dont leave her alone, have dinner with your mom dont worry about me, we can have steak another time.” That’s 100% what I would have said if roles were reversed. She doesn’t see it this way and says I should have planned better instead of disrespecting her by cancelling on our plans.
This isn’t the first time something like this is happening. And at this point I am concerned.
Thoughts?
Honestly, I think your gf is being very unreasonable. I know she was looking forward to cooking steak with you but she needs to relax and be a little flexible when family is in town.
You had no idea your mom would be alone - at the point that you realized and didn’t want to leave her, I would’ve suggested to my gf that the 3 of us go out to eat together or cook steak together. An understanding and loving gf will not see an issue with this, assuming your mom is a reasonable and kind person to your gf.
Your mother doesn’t live nearby, based on the context. If it was my partner, I’d let them do whatever they felt like they needed to do in order to get the most out of that visit. Parents won’t be around forever.
Gf sounds immature and pretty self centered. You maybe could have communicated things more thoroughly, but also, things happen and sometimes plans need to change on the fly.
The fact that she said she is 2nd to your mom is a red flag to me. I find that weirdly competitive of her. Why is she trying to compete for your attention when mom is visiting?
Idk if I could stay with someone that is that uptight and self centered. Keep us posted, OP.
Update:
We talked this morning. I was near break up. She said she will try to approach things differently and look at things from my perspective. She also recognizes she needs to work on her hot headedness and anger.
I’m in wait and see mode at the moment. We’ve been dating 2 years
OP - why didn’t you suggest that the three of you have dinner together? Seems to be the obvious answer to the situation.
She wouldn’t come. The point is she was pissed off that I cancelled our cooking at home
Agree with you. You could have made it more consultative with her, so she doesn’t feel you unilaterally decided and put her second. But it is lack of empathy, insecurity, and controlling behavior from her. You should hold your ground in having her understand that these things are going to happen and she needs to be at peace with it.
What are the other instances?
I’d say it’s more around social relationships, not just my family. She doesn’t prioritize social relationships as much as I do
She’s an only child and her family lives abroad as well (we’re from the same country).
Imagine your mom lived nearby — huge red flag . You should talk to her
Just read through all of this, but even though you made up, this will not be the last of your problems. There's lot of individual decision making, very linear thinking. It seems since you're living together, it should all be discussed and decided as "us"and a team. Your mom is here only on short visit, totally reasonable you want to spend time w her and not leave her alone. Shit happens and plans change, get use to it. If I knew your mom is coming, I would be asking about time to see her and activities to include her. Even you individually deciding for your GF that she wouldn't come, or agreed. Seems like open communication is missing and you guys only sharing "need to know" info. Good luck
Valid points. And that is my concern as well - that we will continue to have these problems. Yes I can get better at sharing more info but I don’t feel as though that is the core problem here.
I told her exactly what you said - that I’d expect my partner even proactively ask about time to see my mom, and she says that’s not her responsibility.
That I don’t think is going to change, but I’m hoping she starts maturing a bit more and seeing things from my perspective- which she said she’ll do. But time will tell and I don’t know how much more time to give it
You are 100% the problem here, since you have an obvious issue with honoring your agreements and then making lame excuses for it / asking for empathy. Next time let your gf know that any commitments or plans you make are tentative and subject to change to the whim of circumstances.
BTW we are all assuming that OP is male. Has mom ever met the gf ?
ESH: you, your gf, your sister - except for your mum
But honestly why didn’t you just say “let’s have steak with my mum”?
That would have signalled to your gf that you and your gf are family, and you wouldn’t have left your mum alone
Your both wrong here. She could've accomodated you & your mom. You could've told your mom of the plans. You could've asked the gf to have her join you guys for steak. It sounds like this could've been avoided had a simple conversation occured.
Maybe: there was a busy week at work & not much time together. Maybe she genuinely loves spending time with you. Maybe she's not feeling well. Maybe you had good intentions but don't know how to communicate well with one another.
The red flag for me is you stating it wasn't the 1st time this occured. I hope this wasn't meant as a way of keeping score.
I see how I should've clarified. I was referring to her seeming like the red flag. While keeping score isn't good. Dealing with someone childish..... Eh you might need to cut your losses.