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There are two ways this can go
1) your SO helps protect you from and establish boundaries with his family such that you only have to interact with them as you are willing, including not at all. Note this will get harder to maintain if and when you have kids. You have to accept the lack of “big open family” vibes.
2) you put up with them as you have been.
Do either of those seem sustainable or feasible? If not, then you should probably end it.
I do want a family with him but I can’t imagine our future kids not having a relationship with their father’s side of the family.
Enthusiast
Find another partner. It’s the truth. I was like you a long time ago and married someone who’s family caused me a lot of stress and was toxic. It doesn’t get better, and in fact, as you get older, there is usually more reason that your lives are intertwined. Therapy, medication, self- care will not change what you are fundamentally looking for. Please, move on, don’t spend your time on a family that doesn’t make you feel welcomed, wanted and cared for. It’s caused loads of issues in the marriage and has for 2 decades now. Make the hard choice now and find better.
This is a hard truth that I have to think about because I acknowledge that they’ll never change and things will only get worse.
From your experience, how has everything turned out for you?
Pro
Firstly, what exactly is “toxic” to you? Because what you mentioned in the last sentence isn’t exactly toxic, just seems not ideal for you.
I learned when interacting with my SO’s family that people have different family dynamics. At first I was so angry that his family was quiet and closed off and mine was super talkative and open. But I realized this is not something that I needed to change it’s just a different dynamic and it’s not fair to ask your SO to cut them off or you cut them off because of it. You have to compromise.
A1, I can’t make myself understand the marriage/engaged part of it because we live together. We’re partners without rings in a sense. They know we’re partners but they still don’t consider me family. I have always been engaged and friendly with his family but they never reciprocated. It’s like they expect me to do everything for them and them do nothing in return. I recently got my MBA and they didn’t even congratulate me or take me out to dinner. I call them for every single birthday, holiday and family event they have going on. I always attend the events that I’m actually invited to. I take them out to birthday dinners. I bring gifts, I show respect, I do the “right things” and it seems like nothing I do is enough because they won’t reciprocate.
Conversation Starter
This is tough. In what ways is his family toxic? Ultimately you need to talk to him and see if this would be a deal breaker for him (being with him but not having a relationship with his family). It could be he sees it and wants to create distance himself, but if he feels an obligation to them and would expect they had relationships with you and future children, things could get tricky. It’s ultimately up to the two of you though.
Agree with DD1. I have the same type of family as your partner. I wish I didn’t, but I have no control over it. I envy those who can have loving relationships with their family and welcome their partner into that. I’ve never been able to introduce any of my boyfriends to my family because frankly they embarrass me and are awful. It’s never a fun conversation to explain why they aren’t invited over for holidays, and why they don’t know about my personal life. Please don’t hold it against your partner. I completely understand that you want someone who has a normal family, but I can ensure you he wishes he had a normal family even more than you do.
Conversation Starter
No advice, similar situation though. You're not alone!
Chief
How does your SO feel about his family?
He recognizes that they’re toxic and he wants to distance himself from them. I feel so bad for him but I also feel bad for myself because his family has caused me so much stress and anger for the past 4 years.
Therapy... Therapy helps
Same boat. Honestly distance is the way to go. I wouldn’t worry about your future kids and whether they have a good relationship with their grandparents.
You and your husband control that relationship when they’re young and if they cross boundaries just create more distance instead.
You really just have to have good boundaries and sometimes having a big happy extended family is possible and it’s better to have a small one than a toxic one.
Pro
Ooof I feel for you. Wish I had a solution.
It can be hard to have a toxic family. You need to cut them off or it will definitely get worse. Especially with certain cultures.
I grew up in a family where my grand mum (my fathers mum) would make up stories about my mum and when my mum used to travel for work not feed us until my father got home. At that point she played the angel card and said we were brats.
In reality I had a baby brother who was in preschool and I was in primary school. I had to figure out what he would eat. It was horrible and my mum is still in such a bad place because of my dads family.
You don’t just marry the person, you marry the whole family.
Family of origin is obviously a factor in this situation as the interactions now aren’t tolerable. It’s not going to magically change when she marries her would be spouse.
Chief
My husband’s family has some toxic people and some good people in it. We try to focus on the good, and set boundaries with the toxic.
The key is to detach with love. The people who are toxic - I don’t waste my energy with them. I’m polite on the rare occasions when we do something together, but I don’t give them any power over my emotions.
My sister-in-law and her husband are gems, and I actively encourage and plan for my husband and I to hang out with them. If you don’t have any good ones, I’d suggest just detaching with love and setting boundaries where you can.
Conversation Starter
OP, I think EY2 here has very realistic advice and feedback about how you could potentially make this work. If you truly think this man is your soulmate, I’d hate to see you end it over his family. That being said, everyone has different tolerance levels and if you can’t tolerate this then you have every right to end it.
From your commentary though, while their behavior isn’t great, it doesn’t strike me as truly “toxic”. I think you are expecting a certain type of relationship with them that they aren’t capable of providing. If you are going to make this work with your SO - and this is critical - you will have to lower your expectations of them and your SO will have to be ok with you not wanting a relationship with them. Limited to big events and holidays only, and then you can’t let their behavior get to you. Just let it roll off your back. This is much easier to do if you are truly happy and fulfilled in your own life as well as in your relationship with your SO, so I’d explore those things as well. For example, when I find myself getting routinely upset by the behaviors of others I look inward and realize it’s because I’m not 100% happy with my life and myself. Once I get back on track, my expectations of and emotions with others seem to be more harmonious because I am secure in myself. Hope this helps.
The kids aspect I think would seriously complicate things.
Things seem somewhat distance now but everyone and THEIR families change once people start having kids. They’ll probably want to spend time with them and your SO might want to facilitate that for the kids. Something to think about and if you would be comfortable with that possible scenario.