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When people choose destination, they need to realize not everyone can afford it. If she’s a good friend, I’d talk to her about it. She may just be busy with planning right now. She may be upset. It’s worth checking in. A good friend can be upset but also understand if it’s not financially feasible for you. If she can’t understand you just can’t afford it, that’s on her and not fair for you. It’s a risk you take with destination. She may think you’re trying not to spend any money aka no group activities either or she may be acting petty. If she’s a good friend, talk to her about it and try to clear things up. You can still celebrate her marriage once they’re back
I totally get it OP. We’ve had to sit out of a few too. That’s just life and what happens with destination events. They should expect that. The fact you’re going to their home celebration makes me feel like she may be acting a little petty. I get being upset but that’s no excuse to exclude people. I’d talk to her some.
I think destination weddings are the rudest - to expect people to come that is.
Absolutely. Even attending local weddings can be expensive and time-consuming for the wedding party. Expecting people to fly out to your wedding, spend money on lodging, plus all the normal stuff like wedding outfits, gifts, food, etc. It's just so presumptuous. Unless you can afford to fly everyone out and provide lodging, I think destination weddings are rude, just go elope!
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Did you decline both? Or just the bachelorette?
I declined both. They are hosting a local reception after the destination wedding, which we will be attending. At the time I was invited to the bachelorette, the couple had made it known that their wedding would be a small, family-only affair. I had declined the bachelorette by the time we received the wedding invite, which we were very surprised to get - not sure if their plans changed
Did you tell her that when you declined the invites? If so, it sounds like she's being petty thinking her big day is more important than your future house. If she doesn't know that, I'd definitely reach out and tell her to clear the air.
Yup! I was upfront that I’m saving for a house and can’t afford it. I’m now wondering if I should have maybe given less detail (wondering if she’s upset that I’m openly prioritizing something else). I’m a “high earner” which she knows, but $5k would put a huge dent in what I’m able to save
I’m not saying what you did was wrong, but when you decide to not go to someone’s wedding, there’s a chance that’s the end of the friendship unless you have a good reason. Fair enough that it would cost you $5k for both, but you declined the wedding after declining the Bachelorette party (and at the time you said no to the bachelorette party you weren’t expecting to be invited to the wedding), so you were never actually contemplating spending $5k. If it’s not a good friend, who cares. If it is a good friend, then given you are a “high earner”, you made an interesting choice.
Well I’d expect more leniency from them because that suggests they understand it is annoying to have a destination wedding. There are a lot of factors - would you need to take time off, what if you had kids, how good a friend is this - that all go into how miffed your friend “should” be. I don’t think you did anything wrong, but depending on the totality of the circumstances, I could understand your friend thinking “ok I guess we aren’t as good friends as I thought”.
How close of friends are you? Bachelorette I can understand but if you are a bridesmaid for the wedding and missing the wedding, valid or not, I would be upset to.
@Accenture 1 - for additional context, the bachelorette is a large group (around 15 girls). At the time I was invited, she had made it known that the wedding was going to be a small, family-only affair. I had turned down the bachelorette by the time we received the wedding invite, which we were very surprised to get based on the above (not sure if her plans changed). They are hosting a stateside celebration which we do plan on attending
What was her involvement in your wedding? I live abroad from where I grew up, so my US friends will need to travel across the Atlantic to attend my wedding, which is in the city where my fiancé and I live. I would completely understand if someone couldn’t swing the trip, and especially two trips abroad for the wedding and the bachelorette. HOWEVER, I have a few very close friends for whom I sacrificed a great deal of time, money, and effort for their weddings, and I would be hurt and offended if they don’t reciprocate for me - would assume they don’t value the friendship as much as I do.
We had justtttttt become friends at the time I got married, so she wasn’t invited (invites + guest list was set well before we became friends). I had considered extending a last-minute invite but we had a very high “yes” rate so didn’t have the extra room. She congratulated me but she otherwise wasn’t involved in my wedding.
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You should have a discussion. Have you sent a wedding gift or if they had a fund made a donation? If so, what was the value? If I was close enough to someone to get invited to a 15 person Bachelorette party and couldn't go to it or the wedding, I would be making a significant gift.
You probably should not have shared why, but you did. It sounds like you didn't go to the baccalaureate because you didn't think you were invited to the wedding ( but that may not have been the case). But saying you had a conflict ( you did but it was financial, not temporal) might have been better. Did you consider going solo?
She is not feeling prioritized, and she is correct. So it depends upon how important the friendship is to you as to what action you take. However, no action will likely mean the end of the friendship.
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Asking people to take 3 days PTO for a bacchelorette party is excessive. You said your husband is closer friends with the groom than you are with the bride , are the thinks you being excluded from couple or girl's things.
Might be his call to make to the groom.
Just as long as you had a peaceful talk about how you couldn’t attend and her accepting/understanding response went but I wouldn’t expect the friendship to continue after that. Missing out on your best friend’s wedding for any reason is no excuse.