{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "I'm a man who comes from a traditional and rural background and I've recently moved to a big city to start my career in the tech industry. My coworkers are all young and attractive women, and it's distracting at work. How do I stop myself from getting distracted without avoiding them?", "post_id": "61b257417214e6002d33019e", "reply_count": 29, "vote_count": 11, "bowl_id": "55375ce690f5eebe1d2a0f88", "bowl_name": "Tech", "feed_type": "crowd" }

I'm a man who comes from a traditional and rural background and I've recently moved to a big city to start my career in the tech industry. My coworkers are all young and attractive women, and it's distracting at work. How do I stop myself from getting distracted without avoiding them?

likehelpful
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First let me say, I appreciate the tone in which you frame this…it’s not the women’s fault they are attractive…this is a “you” thing. However The root of the problem is that you are focusing on their physicality and looks. They are your professional colleagues, not your potential romantic partners. This is part of growing up and detaching from whatever’s the part of “traditional background “growing up did not teach you that women, just like men, are not objects, they are more than just their looks…they are ends in themselves. Just like you. There is no easy pill here but recognizing you are doing this (not them) is a great first step. .It’s a mental habit to break…by continuously focusing on what they are saying, what their ideas are, and focus less on their look. If you make that your new habit You will get there. This is your mind’s task—to control your mind and what you are focusing on. Good luck. We need more young people willing to look first inside themselves.

likehelpful

Hey I really appreciate this, and thanks for the acknowledgement. I hope that this mental habit thing is right, but it's just like a physical reality too and I'm not sure how to manage it. Perhaps I need to focus my efforts on dating outside of the office. I certainly wouldn't consider my coworkers potential partners...

like

Think of them as your mother or grandma?

funnylikehelpful

Ehhhhhhhhh

Where is this place of work? Asking…for a friend.

funny

lol. will never tell.

I have the same issue looking at all the fine men at Google 👀👀👀👀

funny

Get to know them as people

like

I agree with with Google 1. You learn nuances about people and the focus on their bodies shift. Over time you begin to see them as complex people. It's normal for the mind to go into fantasy from time to time. Recognizing that it's not reality is a good practice. Talking about it to non judgmental people is helpful. But if it does turn into too much of a distraction and you feel your work suffers on account of it, then the company may not be a good fit.

like

I worked with male coworkers who also had similar experiences as you (I worked in development with colleagues across Asia who had Very traditional backgrounds) and they said it was a shock for them as well being in a workplace with women. You will get used to it, and as someone mentioned, it’ll help a lot once you get to know your coworkers and start seeing them as people vs. attractive young women. Being in a city now I imagine you’ll gain more exposure to different people and new ways of living. Keep an open mind and enjoy learning new things!

like

This is honestly the most encouraging advice. Thanks much...

like

One practical tip, which could be applicable on everyone: If you have 1-on-1 meetings keep the door open. Not that your colleagues will speculate if you don't, but this could be a reminder for your own self. And the other distractions here will probably help (thinking them as family, for example. Actually that also could be applicable to all of us, warmer and more positive feelings for coworkers is good).

like

This is great advice in general, especially if you are married. Absolutely helps.

Maybe try lots of sex outside of work?? It’s good exercise!

like

Haha, I mean, not a bad response you've given here...

like

Honestly, this is something you need to work on for yourself. It's okay to acknowledge this and tell yourself to take it easy. They are your coworkers/professional colleagues. Your mind needs to be cleared up of desires. If you for some reason get close to somebody, just recognize it and move on. This is just like going to university.

like

Woof D1.

Focus on the work. Have a social life out side of work. Boundaries.

How exactly is it distracting? Does it actually impact your work? Is it possible for you to enjoy their company, enjoy their attractiveness, and just let that be in the background while you focus on work? By "enjoy their attractiveness", I mean, feel whatever you're feeling and allow that feeling to be its own reward. So redirecting that feelings of "she's hot... I hope I can make it with her" to "shes hot... that's awesome". Use self-talk phrases like "I'm glad I work with this person, it makes me feel good about myself" and "I hope to be the best coworker I can". If you're actually becoming aroused, a couple of things: This will dissipate over time as you become familiar with them, as long as you aren't fanning the flames (you know what I mean). You can actually take that arousal out into your life and direct it into relationships where it belongs. *The arousal is coming from within you, not from outside you*. You can also use the arousal to encourage you to do better at work. Hope that helps.

Not bad advice. I think my takeaway here is redirect, and maybe the unexpected idea that the more I know them the less it will affect me...

like

Hahahaaaaaaaaa

Remind yourself that getting fired for sexual harassment or poor performance aint worth it and they probably have equally attractive boyfriends who will beat the s*** out of you?

You are a dying breed Sir

I mean the reality is the OP finds the women physically attractive. It’s got nothing to do with seeing them as objects or not respecting them. Whether or not you see them as “people” or “non-options” doesn’t change the fact that they are beautiful. And your traditional background doesn’t cause any issues — not like it makes you any more or less straight! It’s a good idea to date outside work, and pour your sexual energy into that. As long as your single, those women aren’t getting any less attractive 😜 You sound like a great guy honestly.

Haha, just tell yourself the following within your own mind everyday.... Stop thinking how attractive they are, as that could lead me thinking doing some crazy advances onto them such as flirting or worse, which are highly risky, and then I will wind up at the receiving end of some nasty accusations or even law suites, forfeit all the money I work hard to earn to lawyers, or get fired, and my reputation will go down the tubes once the news goes out on social media. This will rain on your parade of your infatuation on their attractiveness, and keep your mind sober and cool, and get you back to concentrate on your work instead of their looks :)

I know what you mean man. I love my wife to absolute death and would never ever cheat on her in a million years but it doesn’t change the fact that I can be distracted by a really pretty girl. I think what O1 said “think of them as a sister or grandma” was semi accurate… I know putting them in that exact light is unrealistic but, really focus on the business part of their presence. Don’t shit where you eat… Unless you’re willing to risk your job for it.

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