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Rising Star
Relationship with parents is an extremely complicated topic. I would definitely utilize a therapist to discuss your concerns in more detail. My 2 cents - once you become a father yourself you will notice that you too will become a certain type of father . Very bad evil people also become parents and can be very bad parents. The idea that a father or mother is always good is a lie - it’s just a projection of who they are and though our culture makes the relationship a sacred one, at the end of the day an a-hole remains an a-hole, just gets mode glorified.
So yes take care of your mental health. Don’t think of anything as a duty. Maybe give them a chance and see if anything has improved but at the end of the day look out for yourself and the family you’re trying to build.
Some portions of it apply to my family too. My mom and dad fought constantly, shouted all my childhood. I thought all of this was normal until I met my husband whose household is a 360 degree of mine, where they talk things through, don’t yell at each other, be emotionally manipulative etc
Still hard for me sometimes bc my family can be emotionally manipulative and when I try to draw the line, I get a backlash and I feel like I’m wrong and a horrible person (this is a vicious cycle) but getting there. I never saw a therapist but my husband was the one that made me see that this wasn’t healthy
To add to your point in our culture (imo), we always feel like we “owe” our parents bc they gave us this life that we have. While that maybe some portion of the truth it’s masked in the form of emotional blackmail
I now have a baby of my own and I never want to make him feel that way
Pro
The way I have made peace with it, they did their best and worked with what they knew, they likely had an emotionally unavailable parent and were a product of the environment they grew up in. The buck stops with us, we can always try to become a parent that we wish we had when we were younger.
I try my best to not expect anything, it’s hard sometimes obviously, but I guess it’s all about accepting that they are a certain way and probably won’t completely understand you ever. Just my 2 cents!
Chief
Make peace with the past. You might not know what he was going through. Even if he was willfully uninvolved in your upbringing, if you behave well with your dad, it’ll make your mom happy. So no harm in doing it for her.(Your financial ability and availability is for you to decide).
Pro
May be an unpopular opinion and contracts when what D2 said, but I will just put it out there…
1. If your dad wasn’t nice to you it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t.
2. Willingly/unwillingly he was involved in your birth, so you are here today. So just show some gratitude, you don’t lose anything.
(By the way my dad abandoned us when I was 3, however, I was never upset about it, he never showed up until now, but if he would, I will do the minimum possible for #2 reason)
Rising Star
OP : pay for the visit and play your part, you can be a good son even if he is not a good father. You will get that inner peace.
See you are Indian our upbringing and etiquette is different you should only consider feedback from indiana because we know indian culture better.
Coming to you question only favor which enough for you to respect and value him whole life is he gave birth to you. You might not be aware of ur first 5 years memories. Growing kid is very difficult specifically considering 20-40 years back challenges
Question, was money a contraint growing up? My family never took vacations because we really couldn't afford to.
Not too late for you to connect with your dad.. perhaps there was a reason. Life is too short! You be the bigger man/woman! I bonded with my dad more after I moved to USA and he’d visit me for months. Not much to do here for him so we’d go on trips and drives.. I am glad I did !
Your father grew up in a setting where he probably did not know how to show love in an expressive manner or have the means to take you on vacation. If your father paid and provided good education, good shelter, and big expenses like marriage then I don't see why you won't be okay with taking him around the country. Please remember when your dad was growing up vacations probably were not a big thing, India was just creating a middle class, and till 90's there was not much opportunity or exposure. He obviously loves you but probably doesn't know how to show it. Maybe he had other responsibilities like taking care of siblings.
It's unfortunate to see people after coming to the US think everything back home is wrong and parents should be like American parents. Our values and culture are very different.
Some things are wrong, regardless of the culture.
Exact story with my dad as well. He was never emotionally available, never gave me advice, never taught me how to ride bicycle or swim but paid for all my education.
It made me extremely proud, Content, satisfied when I paid for his visits three times to US including a hawaii trip.
Forget and forgive. It’s never late to connect and increase bonding.
When he was here we found a common interest which is playing table tennis. Because of this I look forward to his visits each year.
Enthusiast
You should have a conversation with your mother about it.. see if she can give you something that you don’t know about or subconsciously forgotten about. Not saying that it is always the case but it could help mend your relationship and is worth a try. May be he was too busy providing for the family or just like any asian father, let moms manage kids (may be). Additionally, if doing something like this helps mend a broken relationship I’d do it honestly it’s not hard at all. You could start with behaving like you are entertaining a guest and see if you find any difference from what your experiences in the past were.
Be the bigger person and let it go. Don’t change yourself because of your past experiences - it’s not worth it. Give as much as you can and don’t expect anything :) look at it that way and karma will come back to you.
Who knows maybe your father might one day apologize for not being there as you grew up
Rising Star
My parents were horrible but I kill them with kindness.
Your parents are fortunate to have you. . I have seen my parents fighting and father beating my mother and me for no reasons. He took my savings in India as it was in his and mine joint name. I can’t forgive him for cheating me. He thinks my money is his money. He was never around while growing up. Studied in a govt school though he sent my brother to private school. Faced lot of discrimination while being a girl child. I tried to put everything In past and invited them to US but they don’t want to come anymore. I was told that I did t invite them when they were young 🥺 I could call them once I had settled down. I have realized most of the Indian parents are too demanding but not available emotionally to support any crisis. Anything goes wrong they would start blaming you first.
Pro
Op- You were absolutely ok taking money from your dad for marriage & vehicle as you mentioned then why are you putting in so much though about a trip? Vehicles & weddings are huge expenses, do you know that? And you can’t even cover for a trip worth just a few thousand dollars?! Think about it.
Rising Star
Did he provide for you monetarily?
OP i went through similar upbringing but only 24. One of my resolutions this year was to rekindle my relationship with my parents because i realized that cloud over my head for years was not having their support. What fixed this was talking to them about it. Once I grew up and realized that i take partial responsibility for our relationship, I talked with them and slowly overtime our relationship has gotten better. Maybe this is something to try. Holding resentment and pity is going to make you feel empty forever. It is the hardest thing I have ever done but i feel happier overall.
I am not very surprised at most of the responses here asking OP to be the bigger person and cut his father some slack because of multiple potential reasons. And that makes sense given our cultural upbringing - but just want to share another point of view (OP you should definitely talk to a therapist, they help you talk through and process these things in a much better way), you are an adult, you should make your own decisions that make you happy. If you don’t feel like making efforts for an absent father, you shouldn’t and also not be feeling guilty about it. You should probably have a discussion about it with him and let him know like a civil person but not feel like you are obliged to do anything because he is your father. Relationships are built, not forced.
That’s sucks! Im assuming he expects you to cover everything? When my aunt is busy she schedules tour groups for visiting family so that they can see the big sights in the US without having to travel with them. If he does end up coming this might be a way to get some space & still satisfy his desire to sightsee
What kind of tour groups are these.. local city ones?
Rising Star
Same situation here. Parents constantly fought and both were emotionally unavailable. Both of us kids are in the US for over 20 years and they never have visited. We go every other year or so but I stay in a hotel close by.
Therapist says I have PTSD from my childhood even though they were never physically abusive. I drink a bit heavily apparently to self medicate…father drank everyday as well so that may have something to do with it
Dude, they are your parents...
Just apply OOO and take them out for some good time....
You won't regret it...
Enthusiast
You have a wonderful opportunity to teach him a lesson in kindness, family and love. 😊