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13 years experience / female / SF / 150k
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Hi I run a podcast called The Lawtrepreneur Briefing that explores what's makes a modern lawyer modern. We do this by having conversations with people driving the transformation of the legal profession.
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This is complex. Your mother is an adult and must learn to live within her means. But, she did raise you, and judging by your early success and kind heart, she did a great job. If you do not restrict how you assist your mother or could be a drain financial and a serious martial issue.
I've developed a rule with my money. My money is not available to fix stupid. I would look at your budget and your mom's and come up with how much you can afford to assist. I would find a bill she has that is equal to it and commit to paying that bill every month and pay it directly.
I would then sit down with your mom and explain that you and your wife have committed to assisting her in this way and can do no more. (You have bills, financial goals, student loans, etc.) I would again offer to help her with a budget. When she asks for more, say no.
It can be hard to set boundaries, but you need to do just that.
That said, as a mother myself, I am really proud of you. You seem like a very good, responsible guy who has his priorities in order. Congratulations on graduating law school and good luck!
I’m blessed to have parents that would never dream of asking me for anything. I’ve learned through friends that this is a tough road and it better to pay things directly than distribute money if you’re going to go that route.
I’m in a somewhat similar situation with my parents. Both make around minimum wage in California. My mom is better with money that my dad (they are divorced). Overall, I’ve basically gotten them on a budget. If they run into a big expense or issue (e.g., they get injured and have to stop working temporarily, their car breaks down, etc.) I help them cover part or all of their shortfall so they don’t have to use credit cards. Basically, I try to stabilize their life but they know that I’m not obligated to do so.
How much loans do you have? Are you going into a Biglaw firm at Cravath scale? Are you gonna be in NYC or a lower COL city? There are multiple factors here that should be addressed first before you can give x or y to your mother.
Have her check deposited in different accounts that are for each thing.
Example: one bank for bills, another for savings, and another for spending on whatever she wants. Make sure to get high interest accounts like SoFi bank for her savings (4.5% interest or higher when direct deposit).
You are too young to be taking care of your mother.
It’s helpful for OP to come to a reality. He hasn’t lived his life and is still very young. It is selfish of his mom to put him in this position. So, that is how. Sometimes it needs to be said.
I assist my parents and give a set amount that I am comfortable with each month. That’s it really
I would recommend developing a plan she agrees to then setting aside money for her for an agreed amount of months. You unfortunately cannot give her money if she cannot manage it but maybe you can pay her rent for a year to help her get on her feet. Once the agreement ends, you can let her know she will unfortunately have whatever she put into it to make things successful. It's not your responsibility but I believe in helping parents where you can. Just don't let it get out of hand and don't be an enabler.
From ChatGPT:
Congratulations on your upcoming graduation and transition into an associate position! Handling financial responsibilities while supporting your family can indeed be challenging, especially given your mother's circumstances. Here are some tips and advice:
1. Open Communication: Have open and honest conversations with your mother about your financial situation and limitations. Understanding each other's needs and expectations is crucial for maintaining a healthy balance.
2. Set Boundaries: While it's natural to want to support your family, it's essential to set clear boundaries to ensure your financial stability. Determine a reasonable amount you can contribute regularly without jeopardizing your own financial well-being.
3. Financial Education: Offer to educate your mother about basic financial management, such as budgeting, saving, and avoiding debt. Consider seeking professional financial counseling or workshops together to improve her financial literacy.
4. Encourage Independence: Empower your mother to take control of her finances by providing her with resources and tools to manage her money more effectively. Offer guidance and support, but encourage her to make her own financial decisions whenever possible.
5. Seek Community Resources: Explore local community resources, such as financial assistance programs, job training, or support groups, that may provide additional support to your mother and help her become more financially independent.
6. Self-Care: Remember to prioritize your own well-being and financial goals. Balancing your responsibilities as a new associate and supporting your family can be emotionally and financially taxing, so make sure to take care of yourself and seek support when needed.
Ultimately, finding the right balance between supporting your family and maintaining your own financial stability may require ongoing adjustments and compromises. It's essential to approach the situation with empathy, patience, and a willingness to seek solutions together.
Since you stated your mom isn’t good with money, maybe you can pay a bill that’s within the budget. Do you have siblings? It helps that I do because I know they can go to them for money as well