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Enthusiast
This is so hard. I’m in a similar position and have experimented with being open… sometimes it’s positive, sometimes you end up becoming tainted. It’s really a person by person thing, and the people who “get it” aren’t always the people you’d expect. Like, a WASP who loves family vacations will totally understand while the person whose background is close to yours will shun you because you raise uncomfortable feelings for them. So yeah… faking quarantine is a reasonable strategy, haha!
Enthusiast
I’ve knew people who were alone on holidays when people asked them what their plans were they’d say “I’m staying local” and leave it at that
Enthusiast
Also, wanted to say you are an incredibly strong person and as someone with a rocky upbringing too who somehow got into big law when I grew up poor - you’re not alone, we exist and I’m proud of you!
Mentor
Why not just say nothing? You don’t have to share your plans? Am I missing something here?
you’re staying local because of the new variant. No further explanation needed
No. This is not a wide-share story. I am similar.
Enthusiast
OP mentioned friends and potential partners too—that’s where it’s hard. Hiding yourself all the time is very psychologically damaging; that’s why we don’t expect gay people to stay closeted anymore.
Coach
Personally, this is not something I would recommend sharing and you should not feel the need to share. Unfortunately a lot of partners judge people who don’t have a certain background or pedigree and feel like they are “lesser than”. I don’t think you get much out of sharing too much of your personal life. The idea you had to say you are quarantining is smart.
Don’t tell people. If someone told me the real reason, it’d make me uncomfortable. I’m your colleague, not your friend.
Mentor
You’re over complicating things. I come from a broken family, poor background, etc., and I’m not ashamed of that, but I also feel no need to explain to anyone after 10 years in firms who is not actually authentic and close to me. For everyone else, I’m spending time with family or friends or I’m taking some me time. People don’t need to know more. As for friends and potential partners, you’ll tell people you trust and it’ll be a source of relief, but there is no need to tell anyone who comes into your life unless you want to.
I guess if you somehow get into it, go ahead and say it. I would interpret it as reflecting very positively on you. But if we were getting coffee in the office at 10am and I was like “so what are you doing for Christmas?”, and you were like “well I never knew my dad and my mom has serious drug. . .” I would be like wtf dude. Hard to see how it would naturally come up unless we were legit friends outside of work.
Yeah I’m confused. People really that deep in your business?
I dont have anything difficult I don’t want my colleagues to know about but I’m generally very private about my personal life anyways. No need to share. Be polite and brief. You don’t owe anyone explanations. You can say you’ll be local or don’t have any plans yet.
The biggest surprise I learned far too late in life is that most people are making small talk to be polite, fill dead air, or wait for an opportunity to talk about themselves. “What are you doing for the holidays” “[staying local/spending with friends/ looking at the Xmas tree lighting/ quarantining/ nothing at all, and you?” “Oh For the holidays I do blah blah blah….”
Most people are really just waiting to speak, and won’t probe further. if they do, you decide as much or as little as you want to share.
If you want to spend time with friends or potential partners, then it’s also ok to put yourself out there and be upfront that you have no plans, but are open to suggestions. You can always build your own new traditions for the holidays. You’d be surprised how many people are alone or choose to be alone for the holidays.
Coach
Help me out, are you nervous about telling people you know where you are or telling people you meet where your from?
Coach
Alright. So I have a different perspective on this. First, and foremost, you need to know that what you achieved is so amazing and you should never be scared nor afraid to tell someone about it. There will always be haters, but the very fact that you exist could change the life of someone where you are from. I’ll bet there are not very many people where you are from that have done what you have done so don’t keep your shine to yourself when that could be someone else’s light. Each one teach one.
For the other side (again, a different perspective), you gotta protect your hood. You can take someone out the hood but they can’t take your hood from you. Be proud. You are who you are and you can’t change that. Embrace that. That’s you and be you. If they don’t like it, fuck them. Fuck. All. Of. Them.
Hmm I never thought about this before. I’m estranged from my family due to abuse and neglect growing up, mental health and substance abuse issues. I always just say im not doing anything for holidays and never talk about family . Is that off putting in our profession?
C1, trauma sharing is a very personal thing and you're right in that no one has a right to know and no one should feel compelled to share.
But there is some benefit in sharing. Telling our stories reduces the stigma and helps to open up the profession. young people from difficult backgrounds will see themselves in your story and maybe think they can do it to.
I come from a similar background(never knew my dad, mum has serious bipolar, as poor as poor can be), but obvs much earlier in my career and it is so reassuring to see there are people like me in Big Law, so thank you to everyone who's shared in this thread.
Mentor
Also surprised you are so concerned about this. I really don't care who knows about my background but also I tell people I don't visit family for Christmas because it's so cold where I grew up. I'd rather visit when the whether is good.
You’re talking to someone who, at one point as a junior, had a sibling in detox and a parent admitted to the psych ward at the same time. So when somebody asks, it’s “oh, just staying in the city over the holidays. I’m thinking about doing some baking if I have time.” I play the vague family emergency card once a year or so as needed and usually don’t get pushback.
Did you go to UF law?
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