Related Posts
One thing that COVID-19 has taught you?
Conversation Starter
I am a straight , but I kid you not…
Conversation Starter
More Posts
NOK & BB let’s go 🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀
How is the project for 'Tyson' client?
Anyone want a ticket to World Series ?
Additional Posts in Big Law
Mentor
Insight on Kirkland & Ellis?
Subject Expert
Subject Expert
New to Fishbowl?
Download the Fishbowl app to
unlock all discussions on Fishbowl.
unlock all discussions on Fishbowl.
Put him in his place
Remind of the luxury items or perks that will go away if you quit the law. Reality is that he benefits from the $$. So drop the act that its you that wants the $$. Also, does he want your kids to end up with a college fund or $$ for extracurriculars to help get into college? The $ helps the family, not only you. Youre a partnership, not every man for himself.
Coach
Ask him to start contributing money 50/50 and then we’ll see what he says.
My SO and I both literally have the same job and make the same money, so can’t speak from experience, but if one of us works more during a particular week the other picks up more of the house chores (because it’s the kind thing todo).
It’s still 50/50 on direct parenting when possible, I handle extra during busy periods so more 60/40 overall, I’m the cook, do majority of home tasks, majority of clean up, and all home maintenance.
If he's working 9-5, then 50% of parenting and housework in top of that is still a lot of work and technically the equitable share the responsibility. However, if you're working until 1am most nights, it may be that his protestations about housework are more about your (lack of) work-life balance than anything else. While I'm sure he realizes the money is nice, that's no way to actually live. I know COVID has complicated things, but you may want to consider getting outside help before continuing to fight about it since I can't see it ending well either way.
I agree with a lot of what you said. For sure I think a big part of it is him feeling neglected and possibly trying to force my hand to leave my job. Outside help isn’t an option right now as neither of us is comfortable having someone come into our home who is also going into other people’s homes, and we really cannot afford a dedicated nanny, housekeeper or the like. It was fine pre-Covid as we has a housecleaner come once a week and his mom watch the kids every Wednesday night and every Saturday, but the latter is also not an option right now.
Oh HELLO NO to 50/50. I’m in biglaw and my husband is an academic. My bonus comp alone this year is more than twice his salary. Our partnership is based on mutual respect and all that good stuff but the numbers do not lie. We outsource a lot of stuff but if push comes to shove, he handles household stuff and childcare because my job funds the household. I do what I can but you better believe I’m not cooking or cleaning or washing a goddamn thing when I’m billing 80+ hours a week.
I would try to outsource some of those household duties (e.g., house cleaner). I personally think if he has a 9-5, while you work big law, that he should contribute more to the household and child work. But that’s probably bc I’m on board with the extra cash. It sounds like you two should discuss the money you make so you both can understand how that directly benefits goals you have as a family. To say he doesn’t care about it is a cop out. Does he not care about having well funded 529s? 401ks? IRAs? You should also discuss how long you will be in big law. If it’s short term, then he should suck it up while you bank these wind falls. If long term, then all the more reason to discuss and work out an arrangement.
Thank you all for your responses. I understand everyone’s perspective - - his point is that he would rather have us split up the housework/childcare equally, have me be “present” and be available for family time and once the kids are in bed, and earn less, than our current situation. We live fairly modestly as is, since we are in Vancouver BC where the cost of housing is on par with New York but the Big Law salaries are substantially less. He says we would all be happier if I traded in my job in for a less demanding one (I would probably be giving up half my income or so). I guess I can’t figure out if this is a fair request. We could make it work but it would be a stretch and our dream of owning a house one day would probably go out the window.
Sorry for the train of thought type rant... just thinking things through and appreciate all of your thoughts on this.
Money doesn’t make you happy, but it sure makes it easier. I don’t know if he’s really thought through how your day to day life will change by taking such a significant cut. Not to mention the effect on your career. My husband and I went without outside help for the first six months of the pandemic. It was awful, I can’t imagine how you are doing it. We only recently got outside help - you may not be able to afford a full time dedicated nanny, but even having a babysitter come for four hours a day would help everyone take a breath.
I always made more money. I also suck at most domestic things like cooking etc. For us it sort of worked out that whoever was best at something did. I deal with money and paperwork sort of things. I deal with the school. He cooks. I have not been to the grocery in 18 years and I am not kidding. I did the laundry. My husband is older than me and is retired so now he does most chores. I still handle money. We have a lady to do cleaning once a month. It sort of works out.