An ex died recently, I am overwhelmed with sadness and grief. The relationship ended many years ago and we hadn't spoken since. How to process this? I am having difficulty explaining and hiding from my current SO what's going on.

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I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m sure it feels so complicated, although I think you’re definitely not alone in feeling grief over an ex passing. I hope your S.O. is mature enough to understand - even though this person was an ex, they were a significant part of your life at one time (and possibly even someone you once loved) so it’s completely normal to be experiencing grief and sadness. 🖤

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I’m so sorry about your loss. Your ex should be supportive about this and mature enough to understand that even though we’re not with an ex anymore, we are still are fond of them and created a lot of happy memories with them. If your SO gets jealous or shuts down your feelings, that is a huge red flag 🚩

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I feel sorry for your SO that you feel this way about an ex that you haven't spoken to in years since you broke off, and are reluctant to let your SO know.

You should let the SO know how you feel about the ex.

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Eh, wrong take. This sounds complicated. And it may or may not make OPs SO feel jealous or sad to learn that OP had such strong feelings for the ex. People should refrain from giving snap advice before asking more questions.

I had a similar situation a couple years back. An f-buddy of mine died, quite gruesomely in a horrible accident, and I was a bit shell shocked and very sad when I found out about it. We were basically secret f-buddies, didn't know any of his friends, nobody knew I existed, although we had been meeting on and off for years.

It's hard to process a loss like that when nobody around you has the right context or wouldn't understand or it would be weird if you explained that you had a kind of feeling about this person.

Anyway, not exactly the same thing, but OP I feel for you and I would suggest working out your feelings by safely confiding in a close friend and maybe talking through it in therapy, and, just to check the boxes, explore if this isn't some kind of message about your current relationship that you should give attention to. It wouldn't hurt to tell the SO lightly that this happened but I wouldn't lay allllll of your heavy feelings out on them necessarily. It really depends on what's going on between you two now.

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*hugs* don’t feel guilty about your feelings. Speaking to a therapist may help!

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Yes, on it!

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I’m sorry for your loss. It is very natural to mourn the passing of someone who was important to you for a long time, even if that time was in the distant past. I hope your current SO can understand.

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It’s healthy to feel this way. I don’t talk to my ex much but the thought of him dying makes me sick.

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That’s fine - I don’t want to invalidate how you feel. You should feel how you want ✌🏻

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I'm sorry for your loss. Never been through this so I leave it to others to give advice. Your feelings are valid

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Same thing with me. Feel free to DM

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i’ve been on the other side of this. very hard to navigate. I wasn’t supportive of my ex giving a speech at her ex’s funeral and that ended our relationship (I was super young and wish i handled differently). you’re allowed to feel how you feel and should be able to talk about it

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I never thought about this question until I came across it today. I probably would have reacted the same way you did when I was young, but now that I’m older, I would talk it out with my SO if they feel uneasy/grief. Do I support them to attend the funeral? I would support them if it helps them get over the stages of grief. Now, if they attend the funeral because they still love the ex, then no. Ultimately it comes down to how much I trust my SO. I don’t think you were in the wrong for not supporting her. It made you uncomfortable, and situations related to exes are typically frown upon with current SO. Just like how some people are okay staying friends with exes while others are not okay. You and her just weren’t compatible.

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I’m really sorry for your loss; it’s very complicated to process that kind of loss. All of my exes are exes for a reason but there is also a reason we were together in the first place; I imagine the same is true for you to some extent. I would hope that you could feel comfortable sharing in some way what is happening with your current partner. Your vulnerability may be a chance for the two of you to grow closer. You can decide how much you want to say, maybe just “someone I used to be close to has died.” I think your partner will sense that something is happening if you don’t say something and that lack of communication may ultimately hurt the relationship more than being open.

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I’m so glad he responded well, and also that you were able to connect with your ex’s mom too. My estranged father died earlier this year and it became a chance to grow closer to my brother whom I hadn’t talked to in many years. As hard as death is it can bring opportunities to grow closer to people as well. I’m glad there are people in your life (and that you can be that person in their life) who can be a source of love and support in a time of grief.

do i know you?

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Sorry to hear that. How did she die?

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Mostly as above - sorry for your loss, you have a right to feel what you feel
Also don’t have a responsibility to tell your SO

Your relationship should be able to handle this situation- if not some concerns for your current relationship

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