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Bowl Leader
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I would suggest that you reserve judgment about the state of your relationship until after you get yourself physically and emotionally sober. It's been my experience that my drinking absohad a negative effect on me and my relationship to others.
If after getting sober you and your wife decide thst It's best to part ways, you'll be able to hold your head high and truly believe that ylu did the best that you could.
All that aside, beomg sober has made me a better parent, son, and friend. I suggest that you consider getting sober for you, and then let life take its course.
You are sick and suffering. Up is down and left is right. You need to straighten out physically, mentally and spiritually before making any big decisions. I would suggest getting sober and working a program. You say you’ve been drinking steadily for years to be able to deal with your situation? That’s the kind of stuff we tell ourselves to validate our drinking.
Enthusiast
I’m sorry you’re in this position, OP. That sounds really difficult. Does your wife have any idea about the drinking or that you feel this way Is the marriage salvageable? Would you be open to couples counseling or individual therapy? What about AA to at least address the drinking aspect? I know you said you’re simply venting but offering suggestions if you’re open to it.
Dual recovery aa/acoa and i feel obligated to speak up for the children. Get help or leave. The kids aren't benefiting from you being 1/2 a father/husband, treating their mom a certain way. Stop blaming and get to a meeting.
Rising Star
I hid my drinking too. In fact, that was the hardest part of me starting AA. My partner thought I was sober. I had to work with guys in AA to coach me on how to tell them I was in AA. Turns out my partner didn't bat an eye, it was a non event. Verbatim My line was "I'm sure you've been wondering where I've been going; I've started going to AA to learn a program for living and it's really helping me and it's a good feeling to help others too"
Not happy with what I’m doing to my body but I can’t come to grips on what I really need to do. Love my wife but hate the relationship. Anyways, this is more of a vent so thanks for reading
Rising Star
I echo what these guys said ^
Also, we are here to help. What's keeping you from taking the next step to being "happy, joyous, and free?" and how can we help nudge you in the right direction?
Hi, so sorry to hear about your situation.First things first.It seems like you are aware of what drinking is doing to your life, health and family.Usually addiction hits the wallet pretty hard too.
I hope you do not have that over your head.I have been in recovery off and on for 3 decades.I finally have 11 years sober.Do not take the route I decided on.It is torture for you and anyone who loves and cares for you to prolong the inevitable.If you want to get sober for you.And it has to be for you.Take the plunge.
#1 Make a list of pros and cons about staying sober.Most time there’s more pros then cons.
#2 talk to your wife and kids.Be honest.Sometimes early in sobriety the suggestion is not to make any major changes for at least one year unless you are in a unhealthy situation whether that’s physical or mental.
#3 come up with a plan for short term goals.
#4 A lot of times once we are sober we realize we do not particularly happy with our life situation. Once we are sober, we can see people in a different light whether that is a positive thing or a negative thing if couples counseling for you and your wife is not the way you wanna go then I would sit down and be honest with your wife as much as you possibly can and see what you guys can do to figure out a solution that’s going to serve the family the best whether it’s to be apart for a short period of time or to stay together and work on this
, I’ve been through. It’s not easy, but it’s been the best thing I’ve ever done in my life. I really did not know who I had become who I wanted to be.I wanted to live avery quiet and simple life with my partner. I have a 38-year-old daughter who suffered through my addiction. She has an alcohol problem herself so the earliest you can deal with the family dynamics the better as we know it’s not getting any better out there.
Well, I hope I helped you and didn’t babble too much. These suggestions are coming from my heart from one recovering addict to another thank you. I’m here for you if you’d like to continue to talk have a great weekend. Be safe buddy.
Bowl Leader
Have you tried any therapy? It’s a tough spot to feel trapped in such a way that alcohol is the only glue keeping things together (been there…). Couples therapy can be good, but having a trusted therapist that you feel comfortable with and with whom you can be *honest* can do wonders.
Trust me there are wives out there in your shoes feeling the exact same thing except they don’t have the luxury of escaping with substance abuse. They are too busy doing 5 jobs and yours too if you aren’t always sober and present. When you get married it’s a leap of faith for both people. You commit to take the good with the bad and guess what when you have kids everything does change. I bet there are a lot of women out there who would love to check out but they have a household to run, kids to take care of , schedules to maintain, and more thank likely a demanding 9-5 job. So sober up, get your ass back in the game and be thankful you have a family who loves you no matter what !!
I’m pointing out reality. Couples change, people change, marriage changes. You aren’t the same person either. But nobody understands how WOMEN change when they become mothers. You can’t be spontaneous, you can’t give all your attention to your spouse, your worry all the the time you are TIRED and so I think there needs to be an understanding of that. I believe you love your wife and family. You probably aren’t great at communicating so you bury in a bottle. Talk to your wife. You’d be amazed at the doors that open when men show some vulnerability. Every addition is escaping something. Truly wishing you success. Put the effort into the marriage not counting down days until kids turn 18. And if it’s past the point of no return move on now don’t disrespect everyone by waiting. Ground zero is stop drinking. Then with a clear head, try. It’s tough love sometimes that is what we all need!!! Good luck.
I am so sorry to hear this OP. Best advice I can give you is that at the end of the day you have to do what is best for you and if that means leaving so you aren't drinking then that is what you need to do.