For folks whose own and SO’s family live far away….how do you manage childcare? I understand nannies for the day but as I think of multi day outings, would prefer a family member to care for my child. What have others in this long distance situation done? They say it takes a village to raise a child but both our “villages” in terms of family are far away
Rising Star
I hear you- it’s hard! I’m sure some people will respond that they have a reliable babysitter or nanny who does overnight care. And others will say their parents flew up to stay with their kids while they went away for an anniversary weekend. Or a local best friend who also has kids and it became an extended sleepover situation. But my honest answer for me is that we just don’t go away overnight together. I’ve done girls weekends and he’s done guys weekends though. Kids are 5 and 7.
Agreed, this is our situation unfortunately. When you really don’t have those other avenues, there’s not an easy solution
My wife and I simply chose not to have kids due to this scenario. Perhaps if we move back near family we'll change our minds.
We just don’t go anywhere overnight together. Maybe when the kids are older and can sleepover at a friends’ house. It’s not fun, but also not that big of a deal.
Rising Star
The “not that big of a deal” is so key! Same with our family. But, OP, for you, if it IS a big deal (for your sanity or your marriage, or for necessity, like you both have work trips that you really want to do), then think about the best alternative for you. Maybe a sibling exists who you can fly out to stay with the kids. Or if there’s literally no one currently who’s an option, go on a hunt for someone (I’ve found local moms groups on social media often have good recommendations for most anything - in my area, this would definitely be a post that would get some good recommendations). I know it’s not the same as family, but i hear all the time about nannies and babysitters who become like family (nannies who become like a 2nd mom; college babysitters who become like big sisters; neighbors who become like grandparents; etc etc). Good luck!
Chief
Stay at home spouse, yo. Whoever makes the least money and has the least upward trajectory should stay home. Unless, both persons make enough money that a nanny/au pair wouldn’t be outrageous.
We had a nanny from England growing up. We really loved her. Still visit her in France when we are summering there!
Summering was what tipped you off? Had me at having Mary Poppins for a nanny.
Daycare during the day. For multi day outings we fly out my mother or MIL for the time we will be gone. We don’t travel alone too often because of that. Our family lives 3k miles from us. We leverage our daycare provider’s daughters as our babysitters for date nights out. We use a small in home daycare and they have become like family at this point.
It’s not that big a deal. Also, the crazy part is that if ever do get to go away without kids, you miss them so much or spend the whole time going ‘xxxx would love this.’
We used friends made through the kids' schools. We traded weekend sleep-overs.
You get to know parents pretty darn fast if you want to. Obviously with kids ages you haven't had that experience. Play dates, having couples over for several hours on a weekend.
Hosting someone's kids stay over without their parents teaches a lot about the other family.
You do the best you can and teach your kids how to behave and what to do when they feel uncomfortable.
We struggled financially for a while but put our kids in daycare. We have never gone anywhere without them unless one of us stayed behind with them. When I was giving birth to my second baby, my sister in law came to stay with us so my first baby wouldn’t be alone over night, but that was the only time.
It’s extremely difficult - I hear you! Thankfully we have Daycare and Summer Camp. We won’t do multi-day outings without the kids until they’re older… our parents are elderly so there is no chance they can help. Strong work-life boundaries do help! If you can house an au pair, some people have found success there.
Conversation Starter
Yah I’m very cognizant about putting too much burden on parents. Parents are older now! I see some of my friends call on their parents to do everything and in certain situations find it to be selfish/ overly frugal. Of course varies upon the individual and parent
I’m so relieved to see we’re not alone in this scenario. We haven’t been able to go anywhere together in a few years because of this dilemma. My in-laws are close but my husband is the baby and so by the time we had kids they were too old/frail to help out. My parents live in another state and my Dad is in poor health so we don’t ask them for help either and we haven’t developed any friendships where we feel comfortable leaving our small children overnight and don’t have any babysitters we’d really want staying over night either…plus we have dogs so that’s another layer of complication.
This exact reason is why I'm probably moving somewhere I usually wouldn't. Preparation for that issue.
Sometimes you can’t relay on family. Childcare is expensive. My family solution was I work during the day and hubby works in the evening. And luckily we both are off on the weekends. So their is always an adult home. Before the big C. We would also do after school as well. Best of luck and I hope you find what works for you.
Chief
We have dropped the kid at parents and flown out from airport near them, we have had the nanny stay a few nights at our house, we’ve had parents come stay at our house. Depends on the trip and the duration.
Pro
Give up on multiday outings unless you are flying to drop the kids off at grandma's. We have friends for emergencies, babysitters for planned activities, but at the end of the day children too young to be left with these people should probably not be left with anyone for multiple days.
For those recommending an au pair - we have one, technically you're not allowed to use them for overnights, let alone multiple overnights, and you can get kicked out of the program if the agency finds out. I know some people have that relationship with theirs where they've done it but ours would never agree to that (she's a bit of a spoiled brat, that's the other thing is that you don't really know what you're getting into with them until you've lived with them a while.)
When we didn’t have family nearby, we just didn’t do overnights. We purposely moved closer to family so we can have a semblance of a life again. With more remote work opportunities, moving close to family worked out pretty well
Pro
We don’t do overnights away and can’t trust either set of parents, even if we lived near them. It’s tough.
On the plus side, our daughter seems to be a good flyer.
Idk. I wouldn't expect anyone to watch my kids. It would be my responsibility to deal with it since I chose to bring them into this world.
We have friends who also have kids and will trade off.
Daycare is the most affordable route in lieu of friends/family.