How many if you all have a stay at home spouse? My SO mentioned tonight they want to be stay at home and I feel like it’s unfair and I’m not a fan. We don’t have kids currently and when we do I’d still prefer dual incomes as I think it’s unfair to put all the stress on one person. For those that have this, how does it work?

My husband and I decided it would be best for him to stay home when our kids were born and he left his job when I got pregnant so we got to let go of our housekeeper and landscaper, etc. which was great. And he was able to do some passion projects as well (he started a podcast, flipped a house, and started a photography biz) We didn’t feel comfortable sending our kids to daycare until they could talk and also felt that it’s really important to be the main caretakers in their first years of life.
Daycare is also crazy expensive in our area. Plus our friends who do send their kids to daycare spend so much time at home with them bc they get sick SO MUCH! They are basically paying full price to only send their kids like 1/2 the time. Does not seem worth it. If you can afford to comfortably live on 1 salary - I say do it! You’ll never get that precious time back with your babies!

** after reading the reply that you aren’t married yet - it’s good that you guys are having this convo now as opposed to later. Best to align before getting engaged/married as this is a pretty big deal in terms of way of life. Good luck ❤️ but just bc he is a stay at home dad doesn’t necessarily mean he won’t / can’t be bringing in money (as mentioned above - my hubs doesn’t have a 9-5 job anymore but he makes more doing 1 wedding weekend per month than most Americans do working every day in a whole month)

My husband has stayed at home off and on throughout the years. We have one child who is old enough that childcare isn’t a significant reason for one of us to be home. It can work in a lot of different ways. Our biggest challenge was what the long term plan was. He got bored and felt crummy about being home and (in his words) “not contributing” but holy crap was it helpful to me as the one who was working like 60 hour weeks. He did groceries and cooking and cleaning and pet care and I didn’t have to worry about those things.

I’m only seeing one side of the story - but I’m picking up red flags from the comments. If the spouse is staying at home, I would expect they are cleaning, cooking, laundry, running household errands, DIY house repairs, doing the DIY things that saves you guys money that he wouldn’t be making - it should sum up to a full time job (whether you have kids or not). If he’s not doing that (and if he’s not willing to meet you half way and get better at things like budgeting), I’m not seeing this as sustainable long term. You said y’all aren’t yet married - I would think long and hard before doing so if you two don’t see eye to eye on how a household should run. Perhaps have a conversation what each of you envision your married life with and without kids to look like.

Seems you already have a child

I completely see you view of how it could affect your lifestyle dropping the dual income life but it’s something families do frequently when the woman leaves their employment to be a SAHM.

I think it’s great you have a spouse who wants to stay at home for the kids and let you continue on your career— count your blessings how lucky you are as most women do not get this level of support from their husbands.

This doesn’t negate your feelings at all, I’m just suggesting you take some time and talk it out with him— what does he envision SAHD role and responsibilities to mean, how we will overcome the dual income loss and make up for the financial gap it puts us in?

Take gender out of the equation it’s a common conversation had by many married couples on who will potentially quit their job to become the home provider, so I would remove that and have the conversation. This isn’t a convo that a decision needs to be made in one sitting, chat it out, brainstorm, listen to his side, express your concerns and come to a decision together.

My husband and I did this. He stayed home and I happily took on the burden. But, we came to that agreement together and are a team. We don’t think about what our bank account could have looked like - we think about the life that we created together with our two kids.

You can’t enter into a life together with pre-existing resentment. If you have different views and expectations, talk it out.

My husband is comic artist currently making <1k a year. My daughter still goes to daycare and we pay for cleaners. However, my husband is literally in the car for hours taking the kids to school, picking them up, going to activities (except the ones I can do after work), cooks dinner every day, gets our daughter to sleep at night so I can sleep.

Sometimes I'm a bit resentful (like when his mom asks for money), but it generally works for us. I have a competitive nature and this balance makes me feel stronger (My salary has increased 5x since we met and he was only making around 30k before we decided he could pursue what he loves.)

Uhh this is something you discuss prior to marriage..

I broke up with an ex bf when he mentioned this to his friends and all he did was smoke weed and work at his dads business a few hours a week. I broke it off cause I wanted more for myself and I got more!

It sounds like your SO thinks staying at home is just that. And he’ll expect you to still handle the mental load of childcare and cook and clean when you get home. No thanks!

Y’all her boyfriend was just making idle conversation at a dinner party. This is meaningless.

I think the thought that you see it as burden is a indication that this is not good for you.

After I got promoted at work, I told my husband, that he could stop working if he wanted, and perhaps pursuit anything he wanted. He stay without a job for 3 months, and did a lot of work around the house; while I was hoping he would dedicate himself to his art/woodworking; he was feeling uneasy with no having a job… which led him to look for something part-time that he enjoys doing.

My scenario is a different, because I was the one suggesting him to stop working, but if it came from him I would still be supportive because I know that he would do the same for me.


Note: he was unhappy with his work, but I love what I do.

Think about it as a hole pie instead of just looking at your slice. You may be the single income earner (in this scenario), but your other half is at home and doing what? Probably taking care of the household, kids, etc. that’s at least $30k in cost savings across the year, and that number will only get larger based on where you live, how many kids, pets, household requirements, etc.

I’m sure your person wasn’t trying to put stress on you. Cheers friend and best to you.

Maybe your SO is just burnt out and needs a change but needs to reset. Speak to them about their feelings and what’s behind this want to sah

If it were possible, I’d 💯 let my husband be a stay at home parent. He’s a better cleaner, super frugal, a better driver, he’d learn to cook, is already a good parent, and he’d be a lot more present and happier person. I’d love to just focus on my job when I’m at work and have him take any school calls, early pick ups, etc. He does his fair share now; I just know we’d both be happier having that set up better than both of us working.

You seem very against it and that’s ok, too. Your ability to cope with being a sole bread winner and your mistrust of his willingness to budget and do the home economics work of being a SAHP are very valid feelings that need to be taken into consideration.

I do but it’s for childcare purposes. There’s a slew of reasons it is the right decision for us but also plenty of challenges. As the sole breadwinner I absolutely feel the stress (especially as a working mom) but it also affords us incredible flexibility to travel and our son is at home all day so I can see him any time I want because I WFH. So, keep in mind there are lots of potential benefits. That said, it is absolutely something both people need to be on board with for it to work.

Was this “one day when we have kids, I’d like to be a SAHP” or a “I’d like to not have to work now and be a house spouse”?

I don't know about fairness, but if it was something they wanted to do, it would probably be better than paying for child care when you do have kids. I mean, the extra money you'd be bringing in would just go to that anyway as it's insanely expensive. Outside of that scenario, though, it feels a bit selfish.

I’m a stay at home mom. My son is special needs. One of us had to stay home to take care of high needs child and I made the sacrifice. It is unfair my husband gets to keep his career and go to work. He says my job is so much harder than what he does - a surgeon! Once upon a time my husband made half of what I made income wise. Some might think me being stay at home is unfair which I find crazy in this circumstance. We are a team at the end of the day.

You need to explore this topic deeply before moving forward in your relationship. If you can get on the same page about it to counseling you go (or break up). It will only cause you fights for years to come.

My husband stays at home with our baby. It is a lot of work to take care of a home with kids and we didn’t want to do daycare and don’t have family near us. Living off of one income is stressful but you can make it work depending on your priorities. It was also an adjustment for him because he was used to having more independence. It helps to run through scenarios now and decide if it’s really for both of you.