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hey folks, I am going to join Oracle ossi in Hyderabad location. I have never been to Hyderabad, and will be relocating. Please guide on what would be good areas to look for rent. Also, what would be rent like for 2/3 bhk. Ideally my budget for rent would be <25k. Initially I will be going but in future my family will join me once I am settled. Any points to note or any other gotcha to keep in mind ? Please suggest.
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Enthusiast
You sound like a difficult person. Set him free.
The only way He’ll be able to meet those needs of yours is if you express that. If you express that and the needs are still unmet then you might want to move on
Hi OP, you mention you have potential ADHD and I want to comment on how that may be playing a much larger role in what you're experiencing than you know.
People with ADHD are notorious for finding themselves in some really, really horrible feedback loops accentuated by shitty relationships and can find it very difficult to adjust to a safe, stable partner as it doesn't provide the type of excitement our brain has been taught to crave.
I would compare this problem to some type of unintentional form of learned conditioning, where over time you strengthen the negative response and weaken the positive responses. I would be curious to know about your past relationships and whether there was a lot of push and pull or toxic behavior on the part of your partners.
For women with ADHD, the relationships we choose can be almost like a form of addiction or self harm. It's such an extremely unhealthy and self-destructive pattern we can engage in and never really realize we are doing it.
It's an extension of the underlying neurological issues associated with the ADHD mind - these dysfunctional relationships stimulate the brain in a way that can become addictive. These relationships have us cycling between oxytocin and adrenaline, you're trauma bonding. It becomes very messy.
And while empathy is ALWAYS super important, I really wish my friends had talked to me more frankly. It sounds dumb, cause I was an adult woman, shouldn't I have understood. But really basic stuff like "that behavior is unacceptable in a relationship", "the fact he would say that is not ok", "I don't think this is normal"...it didn't occur to me.
My parents had a bad marriage and got divorced, but it had somehow never occured to me that as a result I had no real basis for romantic scripts. I was working off people who hated eachother, and problematic books and movies marketed to women. I thought riding this constant cycle of highs and lows was normal.
That's why "falling in love" is so exciting right? Ya know, just like how your heart lunges out of your body when your foot misses a step. Love is supposed to feel kind of terrifying, right?
But JUST like with gambling, your brain gets addicted to the pure adrenaline of the moment right before you find out if you win or lose. It's why no amount of losses will make the gambler see the light -- because at this point, those negative emotions are still feeding the response.
Near-misses actually strengthen gambling more than "boring wins". And I think that's why I, and a LOT of other women, find ourselves shying away from men who are on paper, otherwise perfect because they don't stimulate that rush.
Just like with gambling, the need for that rush both is and isn't a choice. Ultimately the only way to stop is for us to change the behavior. This happens in the form of diagnosis and therapy woth someone who specializes in ADHD.
But it's also important to recognize that
A) people predisposed to these issues tend to have neurological differences
B) the process of the addictive cycle itself changes your brain over time.
We need to look at it less like a moral failing, and more like the muscle weakness you'd associate with being in a wheelchair for years on end. You wouldn't just throw them on the ground and demand they start walking. You'd get them in physical therapy and make sure they're also dealing with whatever underlying condition put them in the wheelchair in the first place.
I'm don't have insight into your life or relationship beyond what you've posted but have been you. I've had that good, solid man and despite me logically knowing he is what any woman would want, had to fight my conditioning every day because that safety he provided didn't trigger the rush I'd been conditioned to seek out.
Rising Star
PwC3 and others - Just has me thinking - do you think that social media / mobile phone usage can exacerbate or facilitate the role of this “addictive cycle”? I see this in my SO.
Rising Star
So you aren’t emotionally or physically attracted? Sounds like forcing a square peg in a round hole
I get physically attracted when the emotional attraction is there. The last time we had sex was SO hot because he really opened up to me before and we spend the day just doing something he loved so our conversation was flowing, he was touching me, and our connection was evident. When he closes off to me, it’s like there is no peg trying to enter
Enthusiast
You’ve been with more attractive guys but why haven’t those relationships worked out? May want to think about that one. 🧐
Pro
Stop wasting both of your time and leave him
What is op even talking about??
Im confused too KPMG. Just trying to keep my stamina with a nice guy when he’s not being so nice bc of the stress of life.
Doesn't sound you like him. Dump him so he can find someone that actually does
Rising Star
Find a new man.
OP: It sounds like this might be a more internal thing than external. I think you might have conditional love for your partner, because that might be all that you’re used to yourself… perfectionism and self- sabotage seem to be playing a part in this as well (I’m not a therapist obv. just my opinion).
I suggest reading this book: “Whole Again” by Jackson MacKenzie. All the best!
Enthusiast
You either accept him for who he is, tell him to get plastic surgery or leave him. Sometimes you just need to accept someone for who they are and stop trying to chase perfection.
What do you mean by self control? I LOVE him unconditionally. My attraction doesn’t seem to be.
I know this sounds so shallow but I’m being serious. I know he’s an amazing and rare man that is SO hard to find, and when we are good, it’s magic. I just want help keeping things in the right path when we’re not in a “honeymoon” vibe.
They didn’t work out because those guys were not caring, loyal, looking for families, emotionally available, ready for communication etc. So I changed my approach to only go for guys that are a match emotionally.
Right now, after about a year and a half, my boyfriend is not meeting my emotional needs like he once did. I know my working hours and our families, and his new job and being in school all have an effect on that and It’s probably hard.
I just want to be able to not nitpick his looks when I’m frustrated and show my commitment to the amazing man I know he is when we’re in a lull in our emotional connection/ fun times.
What can I do to stop myself when I am nitpicky?
Enthusiast
So then maybe emotionally you are a lot of work. You found a guy who emotionally could support you but he cant anymore. You should bring up your concerns to him.
Pro
You’re not emotionally attracted, physically attracted, you say he’s not fun, your needs aren’t being met, but you want to work out because he is a nice guy?
Definitely for your therapist to help you with. I’m not attracted to nice guys either - it’s a real problem for those of us who come from messed up homes.
Can I go out on a limb and guess that those other much hotter guys you were attracted to previously were jerks?
Not emotionally attracted ~sometimes~ which leads to my physical attraction not being there ~sometimes~ because he’s not my normal physical type. Because he’s not fun ~right now~ it’s hard to not be nit picky.
But yes those hot guys I was with were cheaters, non-committers, terrible communicators etc
Your feelings are understandable and the dilemma of MANY a woman who struggles to find the balance between attraction and security. In dating you’re assessing a number of factors and for sure one area can “make up” for another area, and if his emotional openness is what made up for lower physical attraction, totally makes sense that when that if openness /niceness decreases you’ll feel “wait so now there’s less for me to feel that connection”…
Several of my close female friends also dated/married a guy who was super super kind and less conventionally attractive, but they are consistently the happiest they’ve ever been because those guys are consistently kind and so loving.
It’s also okay to want someone physically attractive and not be ashamed of it - we rarely shame men for not wanting to commit to a girl they didn’t consider attractive enough (for a long term relationship). It’s more effort to date for sure because the pool is smaller and the relationship dynamics will be different, but I’ve found it worthwhile.
Rising Star
You can’t change him, and ultimately you probably won’t change who you are. So find a better match.