If you had to boil down disagreements with your spouse to one word, what would it be? And how do you both work to address the issue?

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I will use two words: double standard. If i get frustrated w kids, lose my cool, i am asked often in a condescending delivery whether i need help or need to take a break upstairs. But damn, when she gets frustrated or loses her cool w kids, god forbid i call her out on it. I usually let her do her thing and let her discipline as needed. Marriage counselor from years ago (we r better now) said we should allow and respect each other’s parenting, assuming one isnt out of line. Too often she loses her cool w kids and i let it go cuz i respect her parenting but she doesn’t offer same understanding/respect when i speak to kids. ( i dont believe i am out of control and perhaps only difference is level of tone w kids but not like i am yelling, just raised voice w kids as needed)

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Are you offering her help or a break when she’s overwhelmed with the kids? Are you sure she’s being condescending or is she legitimately asking if you need something? “Calling her out” when she’s overwhelmed doesn’t sound particularly helpful…

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Expectations

Usually, we only fight when we have different expectations about a situation, and one or both of us did not communicate well. I got mad the other day because he kept "tweaking" what I was cooking us for breakfast. I had a vision and took his little additions as criticism. He genuinely thought I wanted to cook together ("What do we want to do for breakfast? Maybe biscuits and gravy?" is what I said), and that was his way of participating.

We are working on being more clear about stating the expectation if it is important to us, and also asking "what's going on? I thought we were doing X" if the other person isn't doing what we expected rather than letting it simmer and turn into a fight.

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Videogames

There are two: video games and respect for other people

Calmdown

Chores

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How do you handle it when the kids just want to gather around you and chit chat? I feel so pressured by all the things that need to get done that I have to ask them to tell me later. Ideas please!

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