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Sorry OP. Truly. Everyone in family who's had cancer has fought like hell and come out the other side.
That said, pancreatic is bad bad news. One year survival rate is 20%, across all ages and stages. Certainly less than that at 75. Median survival if surgery is an option is <1 year. If stage 3 or otherwise not operable, <6 months.
Give all that (and verification of same with her docs who understand her situation), I can certainly understand the desire to live it and go on my own terms.
Think the important thing is to support her in her decision. Andd live it up with her.
Sending you love. My husband is a doctor and he talks ALL the time about the importance of weighing (1) longer time to live, but in misery while trying everything and holding on to the minuscule chance that you’ll get a miracle, or (2) enjoying the time you have left. He says he sees people suffering every day and wishes more people would accept what science and medicine are telling them, and go enjoy the time they have left.
I don’t know if you’re up for reading this right now, but I loved Atul Gawande’s book, Being Mortal. It made me approach death and dying (and living!) with a different perspective.
I would also do your best to seek out others who can understand this road you’re about to walk. Those are the people who will support you, because they GET it. I’m sure there are virtual support groups if you can’t find local ones.
And finally, make sure you take care of yourself too. I was a caregiver for awhile and, no matter how much you love the person, it is HARD. Give yourself grace, and make sure to do the things that give you life and energy, so you can keep investing in your mom without guilt, resentment, etc.
Wish we could do more, but ❤️
Another point is that total remaining time and remaining quality time are not the same thing so if there are things you want to do or say and the prognosis is not good don’t wait till too close to the end as you may not have as much time for these kinds of things as you imagine.
As a cancer survivor! I agree with mom! I wouldn’t want to live my last few months sick. Chemotherapy treatment is horrible. It kills everything in your body trying to kill the cancer and you hope you pray you can survive the treatment. Also, it is hard watching your smiley feel sorry for you and worry about you dying rather than enjoying you while you are here.
My dad passed at about 75, diagnosed similarly (6 mnths) with stage 4... I was at a startup at the time and he was abroad. In retrospect I’d have spent more time with him. Let her do what she wants, not feel bad for ‘leaving you’ or feeing like she should have treatment to keep you happy... anyway sounds like she made a decision. She will likely feel shitty if u stopped working or something, but take a sabbatical and take her somewhere - spend some qt... esp if u think she’ll be bedridden later.... hope you manage to make the most of it..
Had an aunt pass from pancreatic cancer - it’s an incredibly tough fight with very limited “good” options - I’m sorry to hear your family is going through this OP. You never know if you’re the outlier unless you try, but from my family’s experience, my aunt fought valiantly for months but eventually was so worn down she couldn’t keep the fight going and stopped treatment. Can’t remember exactly but was less than 12 months from diagnosis.
Take full advantage of the time you’ve got w her. No regrets
Very sorry to hear. As you already know, it’s an aggressive cancer. But would consider enrolling in a clinical trial as a last line of treatment. Immunotherapy like CAR T could potentially extend life by a few months or long, but obviously you need to weigh the pros and cons. Other option is for her to get her genome sequenced (targeted hotspot testing or whole genome/exome). Unlikely to be covered by insurance but it may point out specific gene mutations that could be treated with current therapies off label. Hope the best for you, I’m sure it’s tough as hell.
I don't have a lot to add OP but I just want to say I'm so sorry and sad to read this. I just want to remind you that you should not internalize your emotions during this time either - you will want to be strong for mom (sounds like you are) but keep an outlet for yourself to talk to someone during this difficult time (sibling, SO, friend, stranger, professional). It's a lot to deal with
M2 my background is biomedical engineering (medical high school and undergrad) - I got into the field with a passion to understand cancer. I think there’s a lot of things people should be aware of before they resolve to have no treatment at all. We are still far away from tailored gene therapies that dont create other cancer risks - but we are learning how to exploit the bodies natural protective response and increase effectiveness of known therapies.
If she is firm in her decision, get with hospice. My mom and MIL both went through hospice and it was the most humane experience to help them leave this earth. I am so sorry you are going through this.
OP take a leave from work! Make these next six months count. Work can always wait. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
HC1 - that wasn’t meant as a dig at you! I typed that at the same time as you and didn’t see your post til after :)
OP, let her go about it her way. My father-in-law pressured my mother-in-law into chemo, etc. and it made her miserable. Instead of enjoying her last days with her grandsons and family she was either in the hospital or too sick/tired to do anything. One day after chemo she had to have the doctor sit down with her and my father-in-law to tell him she was “done”.
The heartbreaking fact is that my sons only remember their grandma Beth sick in bed.
My Dad got Pancreatic cancer about 20 years ago and lived for about 18 months. The first round or two of chemo had minimal side exercises and actually improved his quality of life a bit. Later rounds and radiation we could have done without in retrospect. Another learning is that if/when things progress you give as much painkiller as needed. We were always staining them carefully but a little while later the doctor would always so go ahead and increase as needed.
Read the book “ the Last Lecture.” That guy also went through this. Find a support group.
My father got a nasty brain cancer with a similar prognosis. My advice is to spend time with her. If you can only take limited time away from work I’d suggest somewhere in the middle when she’s still well enough to interact. This will also help bridge a gap if she has a spouse helping. This middle is hard to provide care but not so sick that hospice helps yet
Adding that my dad elected tx and I think he did so for us, his general family. We were all in for him. Supported treatment. With perspective and the privilege of looking back, he might have decided differently and we might have said “yes, good call.” It was a terrible time.
@OP very sorry to hear. I lost my mom 3 years ago yo pancreatic cancer. Her prognosis was months and then went quickly to weeks and then days. She ended up passing away 5 weeks after her diagnosis. If I had to do it over again I would have taken her out of the hospital to be in her own home and taken FMLA to have more time with her. My thoughts and prayers are with you!
I’m so so sorry to hear that, OP. I’m not too well versed in pancreatic cancer, so don’t have much to add, but absolutely look into clinical trials, as there may be some options that might be less painful than going through chemo, and may be better than doing nothing. Alternatively, as someone else mentioned, there is some good science behind the use of fasting to dramatically reduce side effects of chemo. See below:
http://tcr.amegroups.com/article/view/12654/html
Best of luck in the road ahead, wishing you and your Mom all the best ❤️
My prayers for you and your family...felt very sad to hear this. Please take care and try to spend a lot of time with her.
OW1: People aren’t dictating treatment advice. That’s what the doctor is for. They’re just sharing helpful information they are aware of. Being an informed patient / family member is always a good idea. Obviously treatment decisions are made with MDs, but the more informed you are on the options you have, the better you can make / support decisions.
And doctors are not always right. What do you call a person who graduated at the bottom
in her/his medical school? A doctor. Being informed with all options is ALWAYS a good decision. There’s a reason doctors have extremely expensive malpractice insurance. Mistakes happen.