My husband is a lawyer but recently put in his notice . We have an infant and I’m the only one doing overnights for 10+ months. I’m also the breadwinner. I have to *beg* him to help at night, and even then he refuses to make her bottles or rock the baby back to sleep. On top of that, he is super lazy with housework and the bulk of it falls on me. For example, I do all of the laundry. On the rare occasion he does it, he puts it all away inside out and smelling like mildew. Is divorce worth it?

Yup. It’s not going to get better. You unfortunately married a man child. Quietly get your ducks in a row.

I would try outsourcing and seeing a marriage counselor first, because sharing custody of a child is miserable.

Single mom since my daughter’s infancy… it’s easier than parenting with her father was. And that break you’re begging for? You’ll get it when she’s at his place.

I’m also going to say that counseling doesn’t work with a man who is doing the least. It’s not 1950, he knows he’s supposed to be helping with the overnights. This doesn’t sound like something counseling can fix. This is weaponized incompetence. He doesn’t care about you. If he did he wouldn’t let you do it alone.

Being a single mother is incredibly hard. I have a friend who had this issue with her husband and when her husband went away for a week she realized how much harder it was without him. It may be helpful to discuss expectations for child care explicitly. Divvy up chores etc. You should not assume he is going to be helpful or should just know what he needs to do. He should, but it’s obvious that he either does not know or is feigning ignorance. Call it out in a respectful way.

I’m not defending him at all—I have a terrible impression from your post—but the first year is awful and some men don’t seem to realize or be willing to put on the work because they don’t realize they’re being POS. Are you willing to go to counseling? Is he?

If you haven’t and are willing, sit with him and list out all the tasks that you need help with and their frequency. How he needs to do the task entirely to take the weight off of you (half adding is even worse IMO).
In the meantime, can you outsource some house work? Laundry or cleaning services? Cooking meals? If not, he needs to step up if he put in notice and doesn’t have an immediate job lined up.

Agree with Associate 1. Divorce was the best choice I ever made. Six years have passed and my daughters, ages 10 and 12 now, are thriving. And the peace you get when the kids are at their dad's is unmatched. It happens. You haven't failed. Move on.

Talk to a lawyer before you do anything - the last thing you want is to pay him alimony after getting divorced. Have a strategy if he refuses to step it up. Consider the Fair Play cards if you think he's open to change. And if you think he won't change, prepare for life without him (you will be better off taking care of only one baby, rather than two).

Is this a total change of character for him? Just wondering if with the job resignation as well, if there’s a possibility he’s depressed and meds could help. If not, agree with the above that I’d start talking to a lawyer to get your ducks in a row and if he doesn’t take some very concrete steps asap plus counseling then you’re better off without him.

Divorce immediately.

I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this. I would sit down with him and have a serious conversation about it. Lay out all of the facts like you did here. Like others have said, he might not realize how much of a burden he is putting on you, so make sure it is crystal clear to him. See if he is willing to work on it. If not, you should divorce him because you deserve better.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Refusing to do something after you’re begging sounds awful!! Was he raised in a household where he witnessed his dad/father figure helping out? If not, it will take a lot of reprogramming. I think like others have said, you have to sit and talk with him, maybe workout a written schedule, where he’s on duty some nights and he’s on bath duty, etc. It’s sad that so many relationships are ending after kids arrive. I hope things get better.

My husband had a tough time for our first baby’s first year. He was going through a lot of emotional stuff about becoming a parent. And I was basically doing everything and being the breadwinner.

Not saying it’s the same or defending either of them, but my situation got way better. We had a very serious discussion that I needed him to step up or I was out … and he did and continues to! We now have 2 kids and it’s actually I dare say very good.

Ah. He’s not a fully grown adult yet and expects you to also be his mommy. ✨Weaponized incompetence ✨

Oof, this one hits close to home. I’m also the breadwinner with three kids, and my husband makes very little money and insists on “working” full-time so that we have to spend money on childcare. In other words, he has refused to carry his load for the first few years of our marriage (I already had two kids when we married). In his defense, he was an alcoholic, has ADHD, and went from no kids to 3 kids overnight. It was such a battle, but he’s now 2 years sober, is taking medication for his ADHD, and is really such a loving dad. He’s a really good cook too, so I don’t have to worry too much about meals (except for the planning and grocery shopping). There was a HUGE learning curve on his end, which took a lot of effort from BOTH of us and improved over time.. but it is not a fast process. But neither is marriage. I threatened divorce so many times, filled out the forms so many times, and even kicked him out so many times. But we stuck it out, and although we have such a long way to go, he has improved. Divorce may be worth it, but only you can really know that. I’ve been a single mom before this marriage, and that was both empowering and stressful (but I also had my mom living with me so not a truly authentic single parenthood experience). I’m so, so sorry because I know how lonely it must feel, but we’re all on a journey to improve ourselves and marriage has a way of accelerating that journey, for better or for worse.

Too hard with an infant. Outsource and do it when they’re a bit older if things don’t improve.

I think if you decided he was good enough for you to get married and coparent with you guys should definitely have the conversation and also with counseling first before divorce talks. Also outsource house things since you have money to alleviate the problems and stressors. Aside from that if this is or becomes unfixable long term then your expectations might not have been to be a single mom but that might be your reality. SMBC seem happier than regular single moms because of the intentionality and choice and posts like this make me think that’s the way to go if anyone is unsure about their partners willingness or ability to coparent.

On top of that he put in his notice? Being a single parent is hard, but it seems that you make a good living so you don’t really need somebody who is not contributing financially or physically to you or your baby. As a single-parent myself, you find ways to make this work. Do you have parents of family members that can help you with the baby? It is better to be alone than being with somebody and be miserable. You and only you will know if divorce is the answer.