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Hi Cognizant , my joining date is on 10th Oct 2022,
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(2/2) because of the brutal summers where no one can go outside in July and August, and it’s tough to be physically close to one another without running a $400+ AC bill.
If it were up to me and I were single, I’d cut my losses and bail to another state that I find to be a better fit (much better job prospects, cooler climate, etc) for me after busy season. However, since I’m a guy that will always consider her happiness first (being close to family is very important to her), I’m really caught in between here.
Do I sacrifice my personal happiness to ensure her well-being, or do I get selfish and put my foot down by saying I can’t stay here in a state where at least 6 months out of the year I’m depressed due to work, and I’m depressed/frustrated/angry for 2 additional months due to the excessive heat?
Even if no one reads this, I’m glad I was able to get it out because it’s been eating at me for a while.
I think it’s worth having a conversation about it. Tell her how you feel living there but don’t give her an ultimatum. Maybe she will be open to moving. You will never know unless you bring it up. Best of luck and hang in there!
It sound like she is walking all over you and you are letting her. I understand need to be closer to family, but ultimately you, her, and kids are THE family that have to be taken care of. She needs to cut the cord with her family if she can’t even imagine moving a 25-minute flight away
I think the one thing that hasn’t fully been reiterated here is that the 1st part of the depression you describe is “busy season depression.” I obviously don’t know your financial situation but work isn’t everything. I understand that the industries available to you don’t seem to be ideal but if you can still get a decent paycheck and want to prioritize your wife being near her family (even though it may lead you to seasonal depression), you’re best option may be to get rid of the busy season depression by switching to a job that provides you with more balance and the ability to enjoy the cooler months with your wife and family.
Unfortunately, unhappiness in living location and conditions and work can lead to you being more critical and resentful of other things, like wife, family, etc. if you begin thinking, “well i could do X if I were single” it’s not a good place to be.
Open and honest communication is critical.
Let her know how much she means and you love her, but the current circumstances could deteriorate an otherwise good situation. Then find compromises.
Perhaps:
- I had a friend who got to move where he wanted for three years (family came with him). Maybe your family could do that for 2, and see if the wife could deal with that longer. Sometimes the fear of change is worst than the actual change. If the move happens, have a plan and timetable for going back to LV to ease the transition.
- what about moving to a higher elevation (nearer to Red Rocks or mountains where it’s cooler)
- what about Reno? Close to her family, and close to cooler outdoor spots like Tahoe. Gaming is there, but so is mining.
- what about changing industries in the firm so that you don’t do gaming. It might mean you have to travel more, but it might make living in LV more bearable.
Any action is better than the stagnant situation of today, because it sounds like neither you or wife are truly happy (I don’t think she wants you depressed either).
Wow...thank you.
This is probably the best insight I’ve had in this. To be honest that thought of “if I were single I could go to Colorado right after busy season”.
Unfortunately, while your ideas on how to make Las Vegas a better environment for me, I simply don’t see it as a long term fit.
The wife and I have had more constructive dialogue about the situation and are getting closer to a compromise, however, we know that this is something that will require much more thought and perspective from others who have been in our situation.
Assurance Senior Associate Op: perhaps my experience may help you with decision-making. I’m also a Vegas transplant (moved from CA). Initially I gave myself 2 years to try to make this work...and if not, move back. Plans changed as I met my husband before the 2 years, and when time came for me to make a choice, I chose him over moving back. (I turned down PwC LA to stay as that was his promo year as well).
To this day, there is always this nagging feeling of “what if” ..what if I did make the choice to move back..or maybe this year is the year to leave. There was only 1 time work stress had pushed me to the deep end and I flat out told my husband I am moving out and he can join me if he wants. His usual stubbornness disappeared and he told me if that is what I truly want, he will put in his transfer request. That’s when we both realized home is where each other is at, and whether we live in Vegas or LA didn’t matter as much. My suggestion is, if you entertain the thought by putting in a transfer request/interviews to get the ball rolling, the process will allow you and your wife to evaluate and reflect on if location truly matters.
Dude, your mental health is important. You can’t talk yourself out of depression (I had it myself). See counselor (or even couple counselor). It goes both ways. Wife should also care about your happiness. If my husband told me that he is this miserable I would do my best to reach compromise of some sort. 25 min short flight doesn’t sound like an end of the world. Better that then living apart- I think that would be a marriage killer. Deloitte offers some sort of free counseling services (maybe your firm does it too). I would start with that. good luck
Agree with PwC1. Have an honest conversation about how you feel about living in LV. I know someone who went and worked in LV but his wife and kids lived in CA and he just saw them each weekend so if you and your wife live in CA it should be easy for her to still see her family often, right?
We’ve had a few conversations and they usually end in the same way, with her in tears at the thought of leaving her family (even if deep down she knows where we are now may not be the best fit for us when it comes to raising our own family). I could never present her with an ultimatum...just not in my nature.
That alone causes me grief, because I’d do anything for her, and couldn’t live with myself if I were to tear her away from her family and cause her to go into her own spiral of declining mental health. I’d rather it be me that has to deal with it (or hide it on some days) if it meant that she’s happy.
I’m doing my best to make the most out of a situation that just hasn’t worked out, however, it feels like I’m firmly on one end of the proverbial fence, while she’s straddling the fence. I’m doing what I can to be patient, as I know this is difficult for her as well, but I feel like there’s no going back for me. I want out of here. Whether it’s now, six months from now, or a year from now. I’m ready to go.
@EY 1: Hehe, I tried that idea of us living apart and was immediately shut down.
@PWC 1: I’m doing what I can to hang on (significantly cut back on my drinking...I’m down one day a week or less of about three to four beers), I just know that these next six months will be extremely difficult at times.
Can you move to nearby state with better climate? That way she can drive to see her family
The nearest state for consideration would be Colorado, though we’d have to fly to visit her side of the family here in Nevada.
We’ve tried Utah, but that won’t work since we’re both ex-LDS.
My heart is in Colorado (not Denver since that’s crazy expensive). I’ve been there three times in the past year and have loved it there each time. It’s a short flight away, but again, being more than a 25 minute drive away may prove to be problematic over time.
Other than that I don’t know what else I could personally do other than suck it up and do my best to continue to make the best of a really shitty situation.
When we were in Utah, driving in the snow was always an anxiety filled time for her. Additionally, the oft-overcast skies of winter took a toll on her mental health.
I do think that can be remedied by spending more time outside bundled up, as opposed to being being strongly compelled to stay indoors from June-August here in the summer.
Lastly, I’m originally from Orange County, California.
@OP: sorry didn’t mean to suggest you guys live apart. I meant isn’t Vegas close enough to other cities that you can live in another city and still visit every weekend? I get that you want her to be happy and that’s sweet. At the same time, you can’t live like this...not being dramatic but if this makes you so unhappy it’s just not feasible for you and it’s going to start affecting your relationship. Maybe not now, not in 5 years, but a lifetime is a long time.
Yes wtf always be honest with your wife about where your head is at
I guess the better question would have been, how should I effectively communicate this to her because I know for certain that this is NOT the place I want to be long term.
Every time we even broach the subject, I feel like my concern of job prospects (mainly this because she works at a mortgage company, and doesn’t completely comprehend that getting a solid accounting gig outside of gaming/entertainment here can be an arduous process), lifestyle/education for any future children, and the excessive heat gets cast aside as she believes my mind will change about these things.