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Any slump we have gone through was solved first by creating more connected time. Like after kids are asleep… do a puzzle, play chess, make a fancy cocktail and chat while doing it together (kits are fun), or do a workout together. That starts the ball rolling the right direction. We also would get into the rut of “sex is only right before bed” which so often at least one of us is exhausted early. So getting out of that helped too. Just some ideas.
It's a tough situation and I applaud you for seeing advice. I'm in the same boat with kids and everything as well and it's not pleasant. Glad and sad that others are in this boat as well. I'm trying to schedule more date nights and get the kids covered with friends, which is one solution a few friends and I discussed. We are letting kids stay at each other's homes just so we have a free house for the night and reciprocate back. Even if it doesn't happen the first time, it's about getting more focused on each other as well.
KPMG 1 - There were many factors leading to divorce. Those same factors were also the reason why we were not having sex. It's hard to get hard when you don't want to be near someone. That being said, if we were able to bang out our frustrations who knows if we could have worked through the other stuff. We were very different people but dated for 5 years and were married for 9 more with 2 kids before ending it. However, I am very happy now as a single dad. I date women 20 years younger, crush it at work, and am an awesome dad.
BCM1. You are assuming I didn't try to make it work. We did therapy and tried to make it work. After 13 years (9 married) you realize it won't get better. My parents are married for over 50 years. That was my model but it didn't work for me.
You are also assuming that a traditional family model is the only one that works. My kids know that me and their mom are like oil and water. They love both of us and get tons of love. They are very well adjusted normal kids. Good grades, friends, sports, etc.
The truth is I do recommend divorce if you tried to make it work. The idea that you meet a partner in your 20s and will grow together and be happy until death is crazy. I went on 2 first dates last week. I got laid both times and connected more with them then I did with my ex. Sorry not sorry.
A few things that we’ve discovered while trying to figure this out- doctors are shitty when it comes to understanding or dealing with libido in women. They will all say it’s psychological unless her hormones are outrageously out of whack. And it may be true that psychology is a main driver, but based on the massive numbers of women who suffer from this- I doubt it. I went down a serious rabbit hole one day reading about the astounding lack of research about sexuality/libido in women. She should definitely talk to her doctor but I wouldn’t hold my breath. They don’t know shit.
The love languages book is helpful. We liked the Fair Play book/cards too. I always thought I was doing my fair share but I really, really wasn’t. It has helped a bit now that I’ve started doing more and have been able to take more off of her plate so she’s not so wiped out all the time. Taking consistent breaks from the kids and from parenting/chores also helps. I plan a lot more date nights and try to set the stage starting a few days before- making sure chores and kids stuff is squared away so she doesn’t have to rush into date night.
That’s my story too, just the kids are younger. Do women lose interest in it or am I so bad 🤦♂️
Could she be starting menopause? You can certainly go to a relationship/sex therapist.
Of course, talking to her about it is the place to start. My wife and I have not had sex for about a month due to work and the toddler. We have talked about it and both do want it but we think we’ll have to really make time for it. Like, as soon as kid is asleep we’ll need to get naked in bed together rather than watch a show, have another glass of wine and the just get too sleepy.
I would say, though, that her sex drive is lower than mine. But I’m used to that and very common between men and women.
We’ve started seeing a couples therapist and have realised some things that we will work on (read ‘5 Love Languages’ by Gary Chapman) but was wondering if there is some medical thing to consider here as well (like supplements etc). Anyone did something like that and did it help?
She’s exhausted, angry and resentful. You are slowly becoming the center of her disdain. And the more you ask the more she will resist.
Sounds like early stage of a MLC. Listen to her, put her needs ahead of yours as hard as it sounds.. listen listen listen listen…. Do not give advice… make her feel wanted and appreciated..
Thanks. True that on ‘dont give advice’. Deliberately doing that
I was in a sexless marriage with young kids and am now divorced. It's amazing how my sex drive went through the roof once my options opened up 😄. I know that is not advice but from my experience there is no easy solution to your situation. Good luck.
Were there any other factors in your divorce?
There’s really only one solution: become an alpha male. Eat right, drop the alcohol, work out daily, and get ripped. If you look like sh-t at 40, there’s a good chance she’s not attracted to you.