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I have a love-hate relationship with DU.
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Alas, I don't qualify.

Are we all fucked?

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I've seen much, much worse. Count your blessings on that one, seriously.
About $100 a pay check for medical, dental & vision. Get paid semi-monthly. But that’s just for me. Not HSA
Right, my plan is a high deductible health plan with an HSA account.
$487 per paycheck to cover me and my entire family.
An hsA is an account not a plan. That’s most likely the maximum per check you’re allowed to add. Not have too.
Not trying to be smart, but did you enroll in actual coverage? You can DM me if you really wanna talk about it.
So I paid $85 a paycheck for a high deductible health plan that came with an HSA account - my contributions to the account itself are extra (not included in what I listed above). The comparable option at my new job is more expensive 😪
*** Edit: the costs I listed are for a high deductible health plan that comes with an HSA account. But typing HSA was easier.
$400 per paycheck to cover my family.