Indian gay here ...
My family is forcing me to marry but I am gay guy... although not into relationship right now.
I moved back home in covid to help out at home.
My parents are on my case every day for arranged marriage. What should I do?

I was in a pretty similar situation, OP. Was being asked to travel to a different city to go meet a prospect. That’s when I decided to come out. My mother hadn’t even heard the word gay or what it even means. So the explaining part took a bit.

But the first thing my parents said (and meant) was that they’ll always love me. Called off any meetings and discussions about marriage came to an end there.

You’re not giving your parents enough credit. They just want the best for you. I know it’s scary, but you’ve got to muster the strength and courage to, at the very least, not get married to a girl, or at best come out and marry a guy of your choice.

Pragmatically, you’ll have to give your parents time and support to absorb this news. I’m guessing you didn’t accept your sexuality the same day that you realized you’re gay. Quite possibly your parents won’t either, but gradually they will come to terms with it. You have to hold their hands until they do.

Some pointers to note:
1. Keep emphasizing that you love you parents regardless and that you’d never do anything to hurt them, but your sexuality is innate and not something you can change
2. Nothing the parents ever did caused you to be gay. It’s just the way you are
3. Therapy or conversion of any sort won’t help. If anything, it will be detrimental to your health
4. If you have friends who know you’re gay, it will be helpful to rope in their support. Your parents might be worried about the society shunning you. Will bed good for them to know that your friends have your back

I am from Bangladesh and moved to the US by myself for college and have been here the last 10 years. It is extremely dangerous to even talk about being queer in Bangladesh and there is no concept of coming out. My parents have been trying to get me into arranged marriage since first year of college. I came out to myself at 26 and was similar to you was very scared to come out to parents and as I grew older the marriage pressure got worse. I came out after I got married to my wife. What helped me lot was working with a queer south Asian therapist who is familiar with the culture and family dynamics in south Asian families. My mom was being manipulative telling me that she is sick because I came out and got married etc. My therapist helped me lot during that period to stay sane. She now talks, my dad still doesn’t ask me about my wife but I think they are a work in progress and is getting better. My mental health and relationship with my parents got WAY better since I came out. I also help them out financially so I guess that also played a part, my parents had to figure out a way to make it work. As other suggest would suggest working with south Asian therapist to help you out with this.

I totally empathize with you here.
I was in similar situation but I still came out to my parents anyway. The marriage pressure stopped immediately! It wasn’t easy but it helped me and my parents as well in the long run.
I was hesitant that I won’t be able to communicate with them because of their lack of exposure to any gay relationships. I thought they would never understand.
But they did.
They also didn’t want me to get married to a woman once I came out knowing that it is not fair to that woman. My mom talked for a few weeks/months on how I could possibly change but that realization came quickly that it’s not going to change.
It’s possible that you are not giving them enough credit here. You will be surprised how much they understand.
Say you get married to a woman and things don’t work out… it will only bring much more shame later on to the family along with potential legal issues etc.

You should refuse to get married to anyone you do not want to wed.

You probably should take some advice from people above. But if you want it to get messy…

Unless they line up actual dates, just pretend to be an incel. It’s pretty common these days anyway.

If they find you a specific girl to date/marry, come out to her in private. If she cooperates with you, you have a straightforward way of getting out of the deal, since she probably wants to date a guy that’s actually interested in her. Rinse and repeat.

If she’s gay too, you have an opportunity to participate in the wonderful tradition of lavender marriages. It’s cool!

If she outs you to your parents, that’s when the fun starts. Based on their reaction you can then either decide to come out or throw the girl under the bus, say that she’s trying to destroy your life and guilt-trip your parents that it’s their fault that you two ever crossed paths. You’re also now “traumatized”, and that’s why it’s hard for you to talk to women ever again. This way you’re giving everyone a chance to be on your side, but everyone who wrongs you gets their karma.

As a fellow Indian, I can understand the situation you are in. I’ve always navigated any serious conversation with sarcasm mixed with inappropriate humour. More often times than not it tends to shut down the conversation. DM me to speak more :)

Sounds wrong but if they depend on you financially 100% ...they're going to have to accept you because if (from what I hear and see indian culture they disown kids) disowning you would be very bad for them financially. I encourage you to tell them, be honest and live your life. Maybe that means you get a bf and can't bring home etc but it will be better in the long run. For example, a couple of years after I came out - though not accepted - the rule was "not in this house" so I had gfs but only saw and spent time with them / their family at their place. Eventually after 10 years it's way better. It takes time but don't marry someone to be unhappy - that sounds like a miserable life.

Everyone is telling you the same thing. But you come up with reasons why you can’t or won’t. You need to reevaluate your priorities.

I read most of the comments, and I can tell you one thing. When I came out, my dad barely looked at me. He compared my relationship with men to rape in a Russian prison. It was not easy for me. He also said that he would never come to the wedding if I got married. Nine years later, I got married, and guess who paid for the wedding and the house I lived in with my husband? So the bottom line is they will get upset with the news, but they will always love you, and it will take them time. However, they will not shut you out eternally.

Are you out to your family?

Bottom line, you need to say no and stand firm. It is bad for you and a potential wife and kids for you to marry while secretly gay. Consider moving out to get away from your family, if it comes to that.

As you said, in cultures like yours or mine family is important! But for this exact reason, you have to tell your family you're gay.

Your parents are only trying to help by marrying you. Their thinking is - your life will be better with a lifelong partner, you work hard, this is probably the only way they have to do something of value to you right now.

Your parents surely love you. That's why they are trying to help you. If they knew they are hurting you instead, they would be horrified. It is your job to help them understand this at once.

Once you tell them you are gay, it will feel like a lot of pressure came off your shoulders.

Of course they will not understand at first. It probably took you years to understand what being gay is, and that you were gay. You will have to help them too. They might take it badly at the beginning - or maybe they'll get it from the start! But sooner or later, they will be thankful for your honesty and you will become closer to them.

Been there. It helped me to know that I would come out on the other side of this excruciating experience and everything would be great. I knew this because I did a lot of research on other peoples’ coming out experiences. Happy to report things are great and my parents love my non-Indian spouse equally!

I had overestimated my parents’ ability to get on with the times and be logical. When I came out they acted like their lives were being destroyed by me. It was sad to see that they cared most about what others would think instead of what I was going through. It’s easy to cast judgement on this situation but they were reacting as anyone would if you were taking away everything they’d worked their entire lives to build. The key is to show them you’re not taking anything away from them. I didn’t grow up in India but our family is close with cousins in India and all the cousins were cool with me being gay. Aunts and uncles too. That helped my parents realize they wouldn’t lose all their relationships. My advice: find advocates in your own family by exploring their stance on gay rights undercover and recruiting to your cause those who’ve already advanced their stance on the issue. My brother helped the most in terms of advancing my parents’ understanding of gays in society.

There’s plenty on data that you can share with your parents about gays who are not true to their identity and marry opposite sex and how unhappy their lives play out. They want you to be happy. I’d start by questioning the parental hypothesis that most of us are force-fed that the only path to happiness is good grades, good job, spouse, and kids. Many straight couples who’ve been shoved down this path aren’t happy. What makes them so sure it’ll work for you when you have reason and data to believe otherwise?!

Your parents will underestimate the role of sexual satisfaction because a lot of Indian parents do give that stuff up in favor of other considerations. Tell them you’re not the same.

Help your parents understand that the world you will live your adult life in is very different than the ones they grew up in and how they handle these situations will eventually be judged under different rules than they’re used to. Do they want their grandkids to think of them as old fashioned people who were unwilling to stand up for their own son, unwilling to learn and grow, and make the same mistakes that millions of other parents have already learned from? Why not skip to the lessons others have learned?

I am an Indian gay as well. Had to go through something similar. Happy to chat with you privately and offer any tips if it helps

Tell the Bride now that you are gay. Sometime tradition needs to be interrupted

Before I start, I want to acknowledge it's easier said than done. I'm an Indian gay guy married to woman in India and have a kid , presently living at USA that Deloitte1 has pointed out in comments.

I have done this mistake and I want you to learn from it and not to repeat it . Please don't ruin your life and your wife life by getting married.

Coming out or not to your family is your choice. But, don't get married to a lady.

Do you help them financially as well? If so, they prob wouldn’t/shouldn’t care.

It prob won’t be easy and they have tough reactions, but you need to live your life.

Better to rip the band-aid.

I do help them financially..
Not just help its all me as they don't work

My parents have literally sacrificed everything and their entire adult lives for me . I am what I am because they worked multiple jobs and fed me and educated me. I would die of guilt if they are disappointed in me... they are my world. Their happiness is my happiness...

OP can you clarify, are you back home meaning, currently in India, or are you and your family in a different country now?

Agreed on what people posted here on comments you are here because of their sacrifices but at the end of the day they want you to be happy what’s the point in living an unhappy life? that’s not what they wanted to see although it might be disappointing for them to listen at the beginning but eventually they ll be fine even if not make them understand how you feel it is normal to be gay.
Good luck!

Also seek therapy to sail through if it’s too much to think all alone