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Hi Fishes , need some advice. I joined PwC Tech consulting ERP practice last yr from Campus as a functional consultant. The team I am working with expects people to work after business hours and even during weekends. If this was once in a while , it would be okay , but now it is going on every weekend. They say " the project is in a critical phase right now".(1/2) PwC India EY India Deloitte India KPMG India IBM Bain & Company Wipro
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If it upsets you, you should ask him why he didn’t get you anything and tell him it hurt your feelings. It’s hard to say yes I would be upset when not in your situation. My husband and I don’t get each other something every birthday bc we spend so much on other things. It’s just important to us that’s it’s recognized and we do something different for dinner or fun with our friends
Talk to him instead of bottling it up
The ship has almost sailed. Bring it up to him ASAP and focus conversation around how you were hurt that he didn’t do anything special or hardly recognize Your birthday.
I have been with my now husband for 10 years and every birthday he does less and less - I have really low expectations and they still go unmet. Just had this conversation with him : I don’t need gifts or fancy things, but I do expect to be valued and celebrated, even in small ways. If I am special to you, you should make me feel special. He’s also not a big birthday person but I don’t take that as a free pass to do nothing.
He heard me / said he understands but who knows. This alone is not a relationship breaker but if this is the biggest example of him not making you feel valued, then it should be
Chief
Might be worth exploring with a therapist further. Gottman talks about bids for affection and attention as a key component of a sound relationship house.
I think you mean ex-boyfriend.
Did he straight up just forget it was your birthday?
So you didn’t go out for a special dinner? Geez. I’m so sorry. Happy belated birthday my fellow Scorpio! I celebrate you!
If he forgot / is low effort because he’s studying for an exam or he just found out a parent is terminally ill, I’d be understanding with an offer of a raincheck but just no effort at all would not be OK with me.
Chief
First, how long ago was your birthday?
Did you talk with him about your forgotten birthday gift? What was his response?
Relationships exist to the extent they meet both people’s needs. They are based on trust and reciprocity.
Did he repay you for the gift for his friends kid’s birthday?
Sometimes guys do immature stuff like provoke fights to end relationships, but they make it sound like you’re being unreasonable. It’s gaslighting and chickening out on having a difficult conversation.
Chief
Tomorrow’s your opportunity to ask him for the amount of that friend’s kid’s birthday gift. AFTER he Venmo’s you for it, then ask him if there’s something he wants to talk about because the cluster of missing your birthday, having you buy that gift, and talking about going in on a large friend birthday gift seems to be clustering around birthdays. Don’t get heated, just ask him. If he says no, ask him to consider why he didn’t give you a gift but had you buy one for a friend’s kid. Ask him what he thinks led to that. Be curious, not defensive or hurt. Listen and hear him out. Watch his actions after that.
Does he immediately try to make it up to you? He shouldn’t be asking what you want now, that’s too late. His ACTIONS will tell you everything you need to know. TBH, his actions already are screaming about importance of the relationship to him. And you know in your heart of hearts you deserve better. You can’t change people. He’s already showing you who he is.
You’re not crazy. This would be a huge fight in our house
Sounds like he’s testing the waters. Did he give you gifts on your bday before? Also send him a Venmo for that gift he owes you.
Rising Star
Op wtf
Rising Star
Yea I would communicate how it upset you and that you didn’t feel special. It’s frustrating because it’s not that he didn’t get you anything that you’re really upset about, it’s the fact that he didn’t think to do something (realize it was important) that you’re upset about. You can’t control his thoughts and feelings
Rising Star
And I’m sorry you had that realization. You can’t make anyone care more than they want to. You’re amazing. You’re an icon. You’re a queen. And you deserve someone to treat you as such! I know it can be hard to accept when you’ve invested a lot of time into the relationship but it’s a sunk cost at this point. No need to continue investing. Sometimes guys stay in situations because they are comfortable and too lazy to leave. Even when their actions show they have moved on. Wishing you be the best OP. Keep your head up.
Chief
Say “hey so when are we celebrating my birthday? Here’s what I’d like to do…perhaps you can make a reservation. And if you need gift ideas, here’s something you can get me”
Chief
And then you say “by the way, you can Venmo me for the gift you made me buy.
I am sorry OP but I think he’s either planning to dump you or have you dump him. He’s not interested in continuing the relationship anymore. I think you should cut your losses!
Definite red flag here. I would feel the same way. Have a conversation with him about it and see how he reacts / mitigates the situation. If he gives you some runaround BS, in my opinion, he's not worth your time. Hopefully he's able to communicate effectively with you and understand where you are coming from.
Rising Star
This is a flag for me. But also a flag that you haven’t communicated your disappointment and needs.
Are there other instances you can point to where he’s been dis engaged? Given the examples of other gifts he was coordinating to buy it’s almost as if he didn’t get you a present and celebrate on purpose.
Is it time to move on?
Chief
“Hey, we didn’t really celebrate my birthday together. Plan a fun date for us. I’m free on Saturday”
Question- just wondering why are you scared to talk to him about this or scared to break it off? It's been 2 weeks