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Old school right here. Nothing beats the traditional way of relationship. You guys should cook more at home to avoid unnecessary mind games. Dining out should be a periodic event and then, you should pay most times. The truth is that once she starts paying, the frequency of dining out will reduce and this is why initial impressions matter alot so that both parties will decide if they are compatible or not.
Eww honestly! Saying this as a woman, how has this person not offered to pay? I would have the conversation soon, and also be prepared to move on quickly.
If you haven’t said anything in 3 months, you’re setting the precedent…. Speak up or don’t complain
I usually get turned off if they never offer. I’ve been in this spot before and have basically said I can’t to continually be funding this — it was costing me like 1500 a month along with kids college etc . Or just stop limit the going out to like once every two weeks , and when she asks just say you’re watching your expenses etc
Very wise because you can get creative at home for free
Smiliar. I am asking myself at what point in time do you start to feel being used for money. I’m OK to pay every time, but definitely expect her to offer to pay,/be prepared to pay sometimes.
K1 certainly you shouldn’t feel used. Ask; have the conversation, especially when you feel this is something that could be long term/ more serious.
Exception is casual/ FWB sort of thing- in that case, the guy should pay. 💯 😉
Pro
I would have it now. I would ask what her thoughts are on how expenses should be divided in a relationship. See what she says and drive the questions that way. If she asks why you are asking, explain it in terms that you feel comfortable with. What if she expects her partner to always pay, something you should know that way you can determine if it aligns with your values.
Or you could be petty and “forget your wallet” and see how she responds. But I prefer open communication over pettiness.
I think it’s fine to have that convo now. Some women prefer to have the first few dates paid for by the potential partner but that doesn’t mean they’re not open to/ prefer to split the expenses when with someone in a committed & exclusive relationship. For some others, they may have been burned by past relationships with moochers and are more cautious/ protective now. Either way, it’s worth having the conversation to set the right expectations. Don’t play games. :)
Pro
Be honest about it . You have children and expenses and it’s getting costly . She should be empathetic
Rising Star
You don’t have to defend yourself Op — I agree you’re not cheap. You feel like you’re being taken advantage of in a way. It’s a red flag to me
That was a red flag for me. Found out later she had defaulted on loans and in loads of debt and worried of debt card having insufficient funds
Pretty confident that's not thre situation here.
You serious? lol
Can you elaborate, M2?
How many times have you been out, where are you living
In Europe it's common place to split, money, household tasks, even in marriage and we do it because women wanted to be equal so men began to hold them to that.
Frankly then it must be a USA thing because I can't imagine in Europe we'd be tolerant of that and would actually be saying something, opting to end the relationship
Yes, I'm in the US.
Values dictate behavior: If one cares about finances having a budget is an honorable and transparent thing to talk about. If you are indebt and can't afford much you can minimize that conversation for a later time. But saying I have budgeted $500 a month for dates, gives the other person an opportunity to share their thoughts and participate in the equity of the relationship. You learn a lot about the other person in conversations like this. Be prepared to be stretched. The fact that you are bringing this up says that it is important to you and potentially a sticking point.
Yes, it's important to me.
Mostly because I feel like I'm being used when someone doesn't even offer to pay or split sometimes, let alone actually pay.
When she says she makes 200k+ the plus is for plus your money.
I agree with Chemist
How often do you go out and do things that you’re paying for?
At least once a week. Sometimes, twice.
Tell her it's her turn to pay
Thanks all. Sounds like the consensus is that I need to bring this up with her.
I'm usually uncomfortable with difficult conversations like these.
Any tips on how to do it in a way that doesn't impact the relationship negatively? Some of you have provided thoughts above already, so thank you.
Next time you take her out, say how you would love to see what kind of date she can plan for the both of you next time. It doesn’t have to be some big scary conversation.
I believe in open communication in a relationship. I usually set my expectations and boundaries early in a relationship, and usually by the 2 or 3 month mark, you can see where they stand on sharing expenses, especially if they make considerably more than me. While I understand kids can be expensive, it doesnt change the fact that a relationship is equal for both people involved.
I would start choosing to do things that are free or almost free for entertainment, and limit spending to an "average cost" restaurant in your area for dinner, and limit it to once a week to have a break from the kids.
I'm not saying that either one of you are gold digger or stingy, but there is a point where things need to fall into a routine for expenses, dates, chores, etc. Maybe have more dinners at home and have "family dinners" so the kids from past relationships can get to know the other adult in the relationship, as well as any kids you may have. Maybe a "pizza and movie" night on a Friday or Saturday....