Partner invited me to a boat ride with a client. They were taking about their cabins, boats, and a very Caucasian sport. I couldn’t connect with anyone, and for the most part sat quietly, nodding in approval, laughing when others laughed. I felt so out of place; not because I don’t have those things but because those things are not as impressive to me as they were making them out to be. It’s bound to happen again though. How do I fake interest and connection next time?

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I approach those situations like an anthropologist. I try to figure out why they find those things interesting and try to bond and establish rapport over those things.

likehelpful

Young associate me used to be so worried about these boring unrelenting nouveau riche communications by the white men at my firm(s). Recognize that when they do this, it’s all overcompensation. You are smart enough to recognize when someone genuinely enjoys something vs. them trying to flex, and with white men, it is 94% flex. So when they do that remember to place it in that context so you will feel less torn up inside about not fitting in. Those flex conversations deserve nothing more from you than the “oh wow… OMG… I can’t believe that happened.. Joe, were you able to…” superficial responses because their conversation is superficial. Find something traditionally associated with “whiteness” that you like or that at least you can talk about with genuine enthusiasm. Then, you can pivot the conversation to that topic which will open it up to a discussion that includes you. It could be their kids college applications, a travel location, etc.

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Girl idk lol

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I am with another commenter. Just be curious and ask a lot of questions. I don’t have to personally be interested in something to try to figure out what makes it interesting to others. You are in such an upper position when you’re the one asking questions and getting people to talk about themselves than you are sharing your own personal interest and talking about what you enjoy:

1. You learn what makes them tic. You have the advantage of getting to know them.

2. People actually like people that are interested in them and want to know about them (not that you’re begging for people to like you but obviously you are trying to gain connections that would be advantageous for your career or you wouldn’t be there.)
3. You seem a little mysterious which attracts people to you and makes you more magnetic.

I try to make most conversations centered on the people I am talking to then myself. You leave huge impressions.

When I am trying to develop a deep personal connection with a person (not professional) that’s when I share a bit more and am a bit more vulnerable. Although the right anount of vulnerability can help in professional connections as well.

likehelpful

this - like the previous poster noted, ask questions and just get them talking as much about themselves.

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I have the same struggle. The partner I work with also likes to talk about how “New York” he is and how it’s the best blah blah blah (he’s not from the country). I can’t.

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I try to understand why people are passionate about something, so I would ask a lot of questions about why they love boating or being out on the water.

I find anything to do with boating/sailing on open water fascinating since it’s such an ancient practice and also risky, so I’d be curious to know about the laws on the waterways, and how emergencies are handled, for example. There’s a unique culture on the water and it can be collaborative.

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I learned in college that some people just want you to stroke their ego. You can get very far in life by pretending to care about certain stuff they care about. LOL.

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Haha. What was the very Caucasian sport? Squash? Rowing?

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