Any dudes here that have to manage/coach/mentor females at work, and your wife is uncomfortable with it?

This level of distrust is super unhealthy.

Work out if your wife is justifiably or unjustifiably distrustful.

If justifiably distrustful, stop creeping on other women (or making out like you do)

If unjustifiably distrustful, have a grown up conversation with her about why she feels like that

To be clear, NONE of the underlying causes are addressed by you trying to avoid managing “females” 🤣🤣

I would also try and look at this from your subordinates’ POV. Why should the women on your team be denied access to your coaching because of your personal concerns. Discomfort in this arena on both sides is one of the factors that keeps women from advancing , leading to a steadily worse gender imbalance through the ranks.

OP is sharing a 100% legitimate but rarely talked about concern. I’m new to Fishbowl but this seems like exactly the forum where it should be safe to talk about it without getting judged. Your employer should be thrilled that you are thinking about this deeply and want to get better. My two cents on your wife- obviously her concerns trump everything. Is it possible there are other parts of your job she resents as well and that this one just seems the most tangible and within your control?

Alright, now you’ve made me feel bad. I would advise you to be more careful with your tone, and suspect that is in reality part of the problem, but will now take the request for counsel at face value. Apologies for being snappy, your language wound me up but I should have taken the high ground.

I think you genuinely need to have a conversation with your wife about this. You also need to ask yourself seriously if you are consciously or subconsciously baiting her - are you “accidentally” letting it be known that some of your co-workers are attractive, or that you’re having lots of private 1-1s with people? If so, you are (perhaps inadvertently) baiting her for a reaction, so make sure you cut that out.

Similarly, if you’re doing a lot of travel and there are lots of women in your team, be careful of telling stories of drunken nights out and late night bonding - that’s probably all fine and par for the course, just be careful what you choose to share especially if you have a partner who is on the jealous side. I talk openly about the women I work with, my wife has met lots of them and knows them all by reputation, which ones kick ass, which ones are best with clients, which are rising stars and yes she knows which ones are most attractive because she’s met them. I’ve also met most of the men she works with. It’s just part of being a grown up in a grown up relationship.

You should absolutely be ensuring that you invest equally in your male and female team members, and I genuinely don’t see why you would need to worry about keeping those professional. I think there are some steps you can take to make sure nothing is misinterpreted (my wife and kids come up fast in any conversation, I am very wary about being in situations with just a much more junior woman given the potential power imbalance).

Especially with this much potential travel, you cannot allow this level of distrust to persist in your marriage. If this is because your wife doesn’t have enough to occupy her mind and so sees demons where none exist, suggest you quietly explore how to get more in her life, either a change of gear at work or more time with good friends or more hobbies /activities. Idle minds make mischief.

Hope helpful, good luck

This thread is so strange. Have you never worked with women before?

Bluntly, I would start by using the language properly and refer to them as women instead of “females.” Female is an adjective, not a noun.

To reduce the risk of misperception in the workplace, meet in rooms with glass so the interior is visible, or in a public space where you can still have a semi-private conversation.

Consider small things like seating - if you take the seat closest to the door, that can a be subconsciously perceived as a threat because you could restrain access to the exit.

Most importantly, talk to your wife about it. Why you do it, how it is part of your job you’re expected to do, what benefit they get out of it, and so on.

These are things I do (or don’t do) when working with women. I’m not saying I know they are right, but I do them.

I never initiate a hug with a woman at work. I will reciprocate if a woman at work offers to hug me. For the record, I don’t initiate hugs with men at work either and I don’t think any man has initiated a hug with me, but I haven’t really been keeping track. I’ll offer a handshake of course.

I never ask a woman if she has a significant other. If she shares, I’ll engage on the topic. I don’t hold back on my family.

I maintain eye contact, or I am clearly looking at something other than her body (a screen, a document, somebody else, whatever).

I never use “girl” to refer to anyone who is not actually a child. As others have said, women, ladies, people works too. I try not to say guys, but I’m not perfect on that.

I refrain from using metaphors even if intended to be complimentary. I’ll never say “smart cookie” or “firecracker” or even “rockstar.” If somebody does something really well, I thank them for exactly what they did.

Some women I’ve worked with over-apologize. And I don’t mean like Canadians, I mean they seem truly distraught over things that are not their fault or even controllable by them. I will explicitly tell them there’s no need for them to be sorry.

In group settings, we all often try to speak at the same time. Deeper, louder, male voices tend to win. If I’m the male speaker who “wins,” I make a conscious effort to sometimes (not always) shut up and invite the woman to proceed first. If I’m a listener I’ll specifically ask the woman what she was going to say after the male speaker is finished.

If a man simply interrupts a woman, I’ll call him out. “I’m sorry, I’d like to hear Susan finish what she was saying.” If it’s a very senior male, I might hold back and ask the woman to resume after he’s done. Again, I’m not saying this is right. It’s just what I do.

I never ogle or comment on the physical attractiveness of any woman (client, colleague, random woman walking past at a restaurant). Never at work, with or without female colleagues present.

I will compliment a woman’s jewelry or shoes, but not clothing because that’s too close for me to commenting on her body. “I really like your skirt. It...shows off your hips really nicely?” Too many ways for that to go wrong.

If a female colleague or client starts distributing food to people, I will get up and help if there are no men already helping. I won’t necessarily do it for a man. As a guest at my client, I’ll pick up trash in the team room even if it’s not mine, but I will absolutely never leave a female colleague to do that by herself.

Pretty big part of the job. At least half my people are female ... what exactly is she uncomfortable with?

MC1 - the women on my team may ultimately be better served being coached by someone else if I cannot make it work. Ultimately I agree and appreciate the suggestions provided here. I want to make it work, and believe I will, just needed some insight around how to address the wife’s concerns. She seems to be uncomfortable with me “talking so much” to other women (women she doesn’t personally know) in a mentoring/coaching capacity.
I think I can assuage some of her underlying anxiety by simply finding ways to spend more time with her and show her appreciation.

Yet you need advice on “how to coach females at work and keep it professional”...? If the only issue is with your wife’s trust levels, why do you need advice on how to keep your mentor relationships with women professional?!

I share freely of myself with anyone I’m mentoring, including my family life - if it’s relevant to their goals. I don’t see how it’s problematic unless you make it so. Talking about your wife in positive terms is actually a pretty good way to signal to the other party, and to remind yourself, that this is ultimately a professional relationship and there are no unsavory undertones.

I just have my wife meet them. Solves everything

I get to mentor amazing people. Some are women. My wife is my best friend and helps me figure out tough coaching. There are zero problems

How best to alleviate wife’s concerns?
From a tactical day-to-day standpoint, how to coach females at work and keep it professional?

Don’t appreciate the condescending tone P1. I get it - don’t use the word “females” - fair enough. By your own terminology, she is unjustifiably distrustful, and we have had a conversation already to dig into that. I believe it’s getting better, but we will see. It’s just recently come up, hence a humble request for experienced managers to lend insight.

Poor phrasing on my part. To clarify that statement, I’m asking where the boundaries should be to ensure conversations with mentees do not lead down the wrong path. For example, how much of each other’s personal lives to share vs keeping conversations strictly work/job-focused.

If you can’t counsel women, you are going to have a hard time in any job

If you truly treat males and FEMALES the same, there's nothing to change at work. It's a relationship issue with your wife. Listen to understand her perspective and dig to get to the truth. Get counseling if you can't resolve this. It's a bad sign for the future.

Don't be shady is my advice to you.