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Hid it for 2 years. You might fool yourself thinking you can keep it hidden and vow never to repeat and that things will be alright if you just love the person more than before, but I can assure you the guilt only grows. Even if the other person will never find out, unfortunately you'll never forget.
I couldn't handle the guilt and told my partner after 2 years, even though there was no way it could have been found out had I not let it out myself. Eventually you begin linking every bad happening in your life to the dirty secret. You start feeling the other person deserves someone better than you. The one mistake becomes so almighty that it doesn't let you look at yourself anymore. And one day you explode.
I did notice that after telling the truth how much more freely I was able to love the person because earlier the guilt would always hold me back from opening up to accepting the love. To be able to truly love, you need to be able to accept love as well.
I can't say for sure what will happen to the relationship and how will I go on living without it, but atleast the guilt has now gone and that is such a freeing feeling. Loads of other negative emotions have been faced since then, but nothing is as suffocating as guilt.
Looking back I feel it's a little insulting to the other person's intelligence if you cheat and hide. I had convinced myself that I'm hiding it to protect the other person from going through the pain and suffering of the knowledge of getting cheated on, but no you lie mostly for protecting yourself from facing the pain of loss. Lying is a selfish act - you are not doing the other person any favour.
So better just speak up, free yourself, free the other person, and if it's meant to be then your relationship will come out stronger than before.
And if it doesn't, maybe you cheated for a reason and it probably was that the relationship wasn't working out anyway but maybe you just weren't ready to accept it.
Best of luck.
Thank you! Still trying to come to terms with what to do but I appreciate the insight. Part of me thinks the best course of action is to give it a few months outside of the relationship to work on myself, heal, and figure out what I really want. Maybe approach it again in the late spring and see if it works if neither of us get into a different relationship. I just tell myself when I struggle with my decision that if it's meant to be, it's meant to be.
Integrity is the foundation of all our relationships. If we can break the trust with someone we supposedly love, what standard is that setting for friends, coworkers, and clients? There is freedom in living with out secrets.
Just... wow...
Just...wow...
OP, read "The State of Affairs" by Esther Perel. It will provide a really good perspective on infidelity.
The podcast is recordings of her therapy sessions interspersed with her commentary. Presented with compassion and respect.
I’d get myself into therapy stat to:
A. Have someone that you can talk to confidentially
B. Get advice on how to break the news if you choose to do so
C. Address some of the underlying issues that caused you to cheat in the first place
Strongly agree. Disclosure isn't the best route in every situation, especially if the primary motivation of confessing is to shed the burden.
Talk to a professional before making that decision.
Let me guess...an analyst?
That’s my fetish
You messed up, we all do. I’ve never cheated in a committed relationship and especially not when I was married. But if we’re just dating then chances are I’m cleaning multiple pipes. My point is take this as a lesson and don’t commit to anyone that you don’t think you can stay 100% faithful to regardless of the circumstances and the amount of attention you get. As for your current relationship the trust is already broken and is almost impossible to get back. If you don’t break up now, it’s only a matter of time.
OP, you know your SO will find out eventually right? Nothing stays hidden forever.