My immediate family, extended family, and my in laws all see me as some hero/strong leader. I don’t want to be one. I hate being the center of attention, because it gives me extreme anxiety. I ignore in the moment but eventually I always have a breakdown.

I feel so much pressure to continue to do well and make the right decisions even though the temptations of this world are getting stronger.

Question: How do you continue to be a role model, mentor and leader for others when you don’t want to?

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I feel the same way as you a lot of the time. You should look into therapy. Being able to talk through your feelings with an unbiased person who doesn’t have any expectations of you might be really helpful and make things seem less overwhelming. They would also help you find healthy coping mechanisms for these feelings so you don’t get to your breaking point.

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We teach people how to treat us. I’m recalling a morning a few years ago when I got so mad at my family because I’d made this amazing breakfast for everyone and I hadn’t even sat down yet bc I was doing everything, and they all finished and left the table. I ate by myself. I had this realization that it was my own doing. I had taught them to do that.

I sat down with them after and said that I would be asking for more help going forward. That nobody would start eating until I sat down with them.

That is a small metaphor to say, we teach people how to treat us. You be a role model, mentor and leader by living in alignment with what is right for you. And I agree that maybe a therapist or a coach could help bring awareness to those patterns and how to change them going forward. Good luck!!

My wife is the daughter that does all/leads her family, she's the middle child. I am the son--the oldest--that does all for/leads my family. And we have great people on both sides. It's not existential life stuff we deal with (but once in a while). But it is exhausting. Sometimes it would just be fun to get drunk and go cow tipping without fear of what someone thinks. In the end, we both just set good boundaries; mine stronger/better than my wife's. Boundaries do not just mean time spent "doing for" others. It also means time spent with, how often and what we do. I know a lot of people that do things from the goodness of their hearts, that later end up resenting those very same people. Talking with a professional will really help in this area. Share notes with your spouse (assumption made from the use of in-laws in your post). May be that you just need to learn to take praise better. Could also be that you need to learn how to tell people, "i make mistakes too" and be feel comfortable to make them. I'd really talk with a professional. Be careful to pick the right one--faith based, scientific or professional. And, do not be afraid to switch if you are not "feeling it."

It sounds like you have an unexamined, limiting belief. “ If I let go, it all falls apart.” A coach or therapist can help you to see what’s driving it, clean it up/heal the wound that created that story, and replace it with a more empowering inner voice. For fun: Listen to “Surface Pressure” from Encanto and begin to notice when you’re being that character. Give that self grace. You don’t have to be the strongest.

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