My wife is not exactly vanilla we but she never talks about sex, she gets super shy, I don’t think she was like that before. Any advice? I’d love to hear from the ladies. Especially because I like to talk and hear about it.

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I'm not a talker. I get really shy and embarrassed when I talk. But I loooove being talked dirty to! Even if I look like I don't. (Hubby and I have a safe word so that isn't an issue.)

Have you asked if she wants to listen even if she doesn't want to talk?

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Provide the psychological safety for her to let go and watch the sparks fly.

I went to Catholic school and I was taught that sex was dirty and that only bad women enjoy sex. It took decades to shed that damage.

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This ^^^ when the Catholic guilt kicks in it gets so bad. There are some aspects that are easier to talk about than others, especially depending on how comfortable I am with someone and also knowing their comfort levels.

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So my husband and I are kind of in the same spot. Our sex life has been pretty bad over the last few years bc I’m just self conscious and feel weird about stuff and generally low libido.

Lately he’s been really sweet and letting me know more often how attracted he is to me and making me feel better about myself. We’ve been more “playful” and joking around about sexual things more often and I feel myself becoming more open and less self-conscious overall.

Also—I hate shaving my legs and they are super hairy atm and while he doesn’t care about any of that, he knows that I’m more self conscious when I’m hairy so he’s gonna pay for me to get laser hair removal lol 🙌

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Damn, she’s a stronger woman than I am lol

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I was a bit like your wife with my ex. I wasn’t vanilla, in fact was into lots different things but the talking was something that I didn’t really master until later.

Recommendations:
1. Ask her questions to get a response.
Ex: “do you like this? How does this feel?” Etc.
2. Note when you are asking for the talking.
You may not want to ask when she is busy or has her mouth full with other activities. 🙄
Also, when this was a request while she is close to her climax and is focusing is prob not the best time. Find a position where this is comfortable for her to do this.
3. You start. This probably should be first. She may not fully know what you’re into in that moment and may need your guidance on what she should focus on.
4. Start slow. If she is just getting back into it, you may not want to lead with something aggressive or selfish. Complement her. Stroke her ego. Tell her how you want to please her. Don’t make it about you although every one knows it’s about you.

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Have you asked why?

I’ve recently gained an uncomfortability talking about sex as well. Just a cringe feeling having to talk about my body with somebody who is not me. Honestly, as long as she’s willing to have sex, refraining from talking about it because she’s uncomfortable would be my advice. But, if she’s open enough with you, maybe ask her if she’s uncomfortable with those conversations.

I would also add, finding nice respectful ways to make her feel confident about herself and finding different ways to flirt that make her feel good

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I also grew up in a religious home and can never talk dirty but I love hearing it tbh. I just go quiet and won’t respond.

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I grew up in a pretty religious household and the topic was very taboo.

To this day, I never talk about sex publicly but once home…🔥

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It doesn’t have to be about religion. The truth is that a lot of people (particularly women) grew up in a shame based culture. Especially when it comes to sex.

Have you tried sexting? She may be more comfortable texting you about it rather than saying it out loud. Hopefully that will lead to her being able to talk about it in person eventually.

Also - how old is she and how long are you married and do you have kids? I’m asking because I used to be more shy about it in the beginning of our marriage but after a few kids there are literally no more inhibitions.

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Lol I’m 39… I would definitely try the texting. You said she wasn’t like this before? What changed?

When you say” I don’t think she was like that before”, did she or didn’t she talk more openly about sex? Or, have you become more vocal with time?

None the less, if she seems shy about talking, maybe help her find the words in a safe space … like, buy her a romance novel to read, or read one to her? After a while once she’s had some examples, then maybe ask her to write down her fantasies? She might just need some time to get more comfortable …

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Or tell her what to say to you … also hot and takes away any fear of saying the wrong thing

F.

Did something prompt the change?

Why don’t you think she was like that before?

Answer some questions when we start to date I was the shy one. I had two long term relationships before and that’s aside from very few girls in between that was it, while she was single all through her mid twenties.

She was never really vocal but she would talk more openly about experiences she had and stuff like that. When we got serious she got more measured talking about that, and after kids it stopped altogether. I think like others pointed out she does get uncomfortable on her own skin now. She is really beautiful and hot tho. Any man will think that yet she feels the weight of age

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