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This is why I secretly avoid 1:1s with my manager!
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In my perspective you may have been a little over sensitive. I have also told people to google things. Its just a form of direct feedback to stop people from getting in the habit of using their manager as a crutch for questions that they could proactively seek out themselves.
Within my team “google it” is a perfectly valid answer and not meant in a mean or short way. Depending on the field, if you are in an area where essentially nobody knows all the answers and there is some digging and researching involved, Googling is a given and you shouldn’t take that personally. BUT the delivery/tone does matter.
As a boss, here's my take:
* Before you ask a question, make sure the answer isn't already available to you. Y'all have research skills and are supposed to be critical thinkers. I'm happy to answer more complex questions or educate on matters requiring more nuance than google can provide, but do the minimum first so you can ask an informed question.
* Unless your supervisor called you a name while also telling you to google, I really hope you didn't literally tell them they hurt your feelings. Wow. That's a sure way to earn a reputation as a soft, insecure and immature individual who doesn't understand the difference between professional and personal interactions. Your boss gave you professional critical feedback that you should use to improve; your boss can be friendly, but your boss - at this stage in your career - is not your friend.
I agree with the other woman in here about young women needing to grow a thicker skin. I have had two F direct reports who cried every time I gave them a performance review - and most of the review was praise! Never would one of my M reports do that. I'm a kind person, so I naturally pulled some punches with those women, and in turn their performance continued to suffer until it was harming the collective team and in one case led to a PIP. I'm not suggesting women turn a blind eye to real abuse or discrimination, but you have to get past the myth that everyone has to love you and give unending praise. Learn to be your best advocate, don't turn into a pile of mush whenever your cute manager or nothing-but-business boss talks to you, and play the corporate game!
Two things that I would like to share/point out with VP2.
I cry when I get positive performance reviews as well. It is due to the cognitive dissonance that people who are depressed or grew up abused can suffer from. I also cry when I have an adrenaline rush, when I see an olympian pull off an amazing stunt, and when I hear beautiful music. It is really difficult for me to explain to my male supervisors that while I do tend to cry easily it doesn't mean I have thin skin. It is just the physical reaction I have to sudden changes in emotion. And it isn't something I can turn off at a moments notice.
I would also like to point out that it actually is important for women to be well liked in the office. There have been studies that link being an unliked woman in the office leads to fewer promotions, less pay, and lower preferred projects. It is an extremely thin line to walk between likable and professional. Especially if your boss won't give you honest feedback.
OP unfortunately people in the workplace and can only care about your story but so much. The more senior your role the more time pressures and big picture problems you have. So a person like that has very little time to accommodate your feelings. Yes, there are some that manage their reports feelings and still get their work done but they are special and are usually recognized for it. Most people in that position are simply overwhelmed and don’t have time to slow down and make sure your feelings aren’t hurt or take your personal story into account. This doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. This is the unfortunate reality of the modern day workplace. We don’t have a lot of time to be humans to each other anymore. I’m sorry that this a reality and I hope you’re able to find a way to cope with it.
Thank you
To be honest, I Google things all the time because it’s efficient and I don’t feel bad about telling someone to do the same. He was likely busy and/or trying to set boundaries with you regarding when it is appropriate or what is appropriate to ask for help on vs figuring it out on your own so take his feedback and try exhausting every option on your own next time before going to him with a question. Don’t take it personally, take your feelings out of the equation. If you do have to go to him with a question or problem, it’s better to go with possible solutions as in “I ran into this issue and based on my research I believe there are two options but I’m not sure which would be best in this situation” etc. Managers love that stuff.
I’m starting to think the senior male associate isn’t the problem…
First of all, I don’t think we need more posts identifying that OP is being too sensitive. It seems like everyone, including OP, admits that’s the case and OP gave us a good reason why they might be more sensitive than average.
I also think it’s important to note that OP’s senior mentioned his tone was harsh even before OP said anything to him. This indicates that even he knew it was a departure from the norm and that it was harsh. Haven’t we all freaked out about an email from our supervisor that had a different/harsher tone than usual? I certainly have.
OP, I think the biggest thing for you going forward is building up a little more confidence and shedding some of that insecurity. People are going to talk to you in a blunt, straightforward way and give plenty of criticism, and you’re going to have to assume it isn’t personal until someone explicitly tells you it is personal. This is a really hard mindset shift, but for the most part people are giving criticism because they want you to improve, which is a good thing and means that they care about your work product and your development. I explicitly asked my therapist to work on this with me in confidence and it has helped a bunch. The more criticism you get the easier it is to take, so you could also explicitly ask people what you could improve on and practice taking their constructive suggestions not-personally. Hang in there!
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Haha why do you think I’m doing this? Agree I see a lot of sexism and anger from people instead of understanding and then get confused when I respond negatively 🤣
Enthusiast
Wow did this post make you go from new member to rising star in a week???
Pro
OP is he talking to you again?
Pro
Yay! Glad to hear
Totally oversensitive. I find it a little odd that his response hurt your feelings, too?
And this is HR speaking
Chief
Depends… what was your question that he told you to google?
Well that was excellent professional advice then. Google is my go to for Excel tips and tricks. There are many sites with tutorials on pretty much every single Excel function...with pictures and examples. You'd get a better explanation than any coworker could give you.
What does it mean if someone shares your post?
This is a great example of a question you can Google.
Are you a first time consultant?
No
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Is/was the answer to your question not difficult to find via a Google (other internet) search? If so, yes you were over-sensitive in your reaction. If no, you were being over-sensitive in your reaction if all they said was to “just Google it”.
They might have stopped responding because your response to them may have indicated that interacting with you may result in little more than your feeling hurt, no matter what they say, and that would be a waste of their time and energy. Or that you may be someone that expects others to provide you with answers rather than help yourself.
I personally make sure that I have exhausted all avenues before asking, especially early on in a role. I also think googling it is actually how w lot of people get work done. It’s worked for me 🤷🏻♀️
Your best bet is to always try to self serve information. If you have tried to self serve and cannot find the answer, THEN you reach out for help from peers and then work your way up.
At least that’s how I’ve seen things done. Whether you were overly sensitive or not… well that’s subjective.
There is a lot of missing context from your question. Was the senior male associate in a hurry (e.g. rushing to a meeting) or perhaps deeply involved in another important matter? Was this a question that he would have had to Google to find the answer, in which case it made sense to ask you to do what he would have done.
Rising Star
C1 after being told she was being too sensitive and realizing she made the wrong move (it was an excel question google did answer btw) OP is going around antagonizing random strangers on the internet to feel better about herself.
Just so you don’t see her response to your genuine question and waste time on this
At least you can google it! At my job I try everything to find the answer. I wish I could google it, no response from management or team lead so I just try to figure it out on my own.
I think as a new employee it’s incumbent on sr leaders to provide direction and support. Simply saying Google it removes the ability to engage and develop a peer. It is much more effective to say here is what your are looking for, I found this in our company resources or via a quick Google search.
I would encourage you to pause and think about the root cause of your emotional response and feeling out it being mean. We often let our baggage determine someone’s actions versus someone causing us any harm. On the flip side, After spending a ton of time developing leaders at all levels I find that we often forget to meet people where they are not where we expect them to be. It’s not that hard to take an extra minute to elevate someone when it will ultimately build the rapport and be beneficial long term.
Overall, yes be independent but also get support when you need it. We all have varying levels of sensitivity and skills and the focus should be on collaboration and support not pointing fingers or passing judgement.
We love SOPs and we love our knowledge management system. We do not tell people to Google things. We ask them if they looked in the KMS for an answer. If they did not, that is where they should start. I spent 4 short years in the USMC working on airplanes about 25 years ago and they were great about their documentation and following steps. Anyway, telling someone to figure it out on their own be it Google or a knowledge management system is a good thing. I think it is good to express when someone’s feelings are hurt to because it probably means there is a misunderstanding. I think most people have good intent.
Wow I only came across this post now. What a rabbit hole. 😂