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I feel for you. One piece of advice I heard is to offer to pay for a very specific expense for your family each month. For example you can pay the water bill each month or the electric bill each month. It should be the same bill every month. That way you are helping your family out, but it’s somewhat more manageable than just giving lump sums of money. I find that if you give lump sums of money, the expectation increases every time. A bill might stay relatively constant during the year.
I’m in a similar situation and do this! I cover my parents’ car insurance and phone bill.
It sounds like you are giving your parents quite a lot of details of your monthly expenditures - I’d stop doing that. Look up the ‘grey rock’ method: basically stop giving lengthy answers trying to justify what you’re doing. If they ask “can you send money”, respond with “no” and don’t elaborate. Don’t try to justify your spending in the hopes that they’ll understand. Unfortunately some immigrant parents don’t see their children as real people, just extensions of themselves. The first few times you do this will be really hard but eventually they’ll get the message. If not - consider going low or no contact. You’ll feel guilty at first but you’ll eventually get over that and feel better. Sending you strength!
Agreeing with A2. I had always thought I would help my mother financially once I could afford it. I didn’t except that 2 weeks after my start date she would demand monthly payments whilst making me feel horribly guilty about her lack of retirement funds/pension. I agreed a total sum that I was happy to pay ‘back’ for her support and proposed monthly instalments - she disagreed with the monthly amount and wanted a lot more. I was so emotionally stressed I ended up in therapy and agreed to pay the max amount to her as by then I just wanted to get it over and done with as soon as possible. By the end of it, I resent her more for what she put me through those two years and to fair, regret not just saying ‘no’. She would have been angry at first but I think eventually we would have been much better off if I had set firm boundaries and put myself first.
Reiterate that you would love to help them but you have $200k in student loans. Immigrant parents hate interest and debt so maybe they’ll understand paying off that debt is more important especially if they don’t truly need the extra funds.
The last several times they’ve called me have only been to ask for money. When I say I can’t, they get angry and accuse me of being ungrateful. My mother thinks I am wasteful by eating out / taking ubers / hiring a cleaner. She’s never worked so I don’t think she realises how exhausting it is to work 80+ hrs/week and how little time it leaves for anything else. I’m happy to help out where I can, but I work my ass off for this paycheck and think I should get to enjoy some of it rather than devote every penny to paying them back for raising me. But I know cultural expectations are different for them so they feel entitled to a parental allowance. Idk how to fix this without losing my relationship with them altogether or burning out within 6 months…
You don’t owe them a dime for raising you. When a parent has a child, they’re CHOOSING to take on the responsibility of raising that child. You did not ask for that. I understand helping your family when you can, but for them to gaslight and manipulate you into giving them money when you aren’t in a position to do so is completely inappropriate and abusive. It’s a tough situation because back in the day (and in other countries) it’s much easier financially to take care of your elders and a lot of parents don’t fully understand how much has changed. But the economy and finances in US makes it hard to support a family even with a six figure salary because you have bills to pay and a ton of debt.
You simply need to put your foot down and remind them that you’re not an ATM. I know it’s easier said than done (you can read my comment on my situation). But are these people going to bail you out if you end up financially devastated? Are they going to help with the loans that you took out to put food in their table and clothes on their backs? Doubt it. At the end of the day, don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
I understand the cultural implications of all this but this kind of behavior is very manipulative and approaching abusive. With that much debt you are NOT in a position to give your family $1k per month. For them to call you ungrateful is kind of gross.
I’m the only daughter in a very conservative Indian family. Doctors thought I would be a boy so it was a huge disappointment when I was born. I always had less food and fewer resources growing up. I had to cook and clean while also trying to graduate high school. I had to borrow money from my friend to take the SAT. Because EVERYTHING went to my brother. My family was not poor — he got a new car, new clothes, whatever he wanted to eat. I was on my own for college and law school. My brother got all tuition and expenses paid for. But I’m the one who became successful, while my brother can’t get a job and keeps bouncing around. My parents recently started demanding money from me, saying I “owe them.” And I told them to go to my brother. Their “investment” backfired, and that’s not my problem. My parents don’t even “need” money, they’re almost millionaires. But they think I should be paying them back for being raised.
You're a warrior.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I was making 130k and have 170k in student loans. I was giving my family money in hopes of giving them a chance to deal with substance abuse issues. I had to quit my job because of a combination of my mental health and the frustration about seeing racism and sexism among firm leadership. Thankfully, I built a decent nest egg to find a position where I don’t want to pull my hair out everyday but my time is running out. I would have had more had I not given my family money which was wasted and no one is better off. Any course you choose will be difficult. My only advice is to have compassion for yourself and know we were not born into a society that takes care of people who need it. I don’t regret helping my family or leaving my job, but I sure do feel the pain of not having health insurance, watching everything I worked for disappear, remembering how much of myself I sacrificed just to earn the little I had, and concern about finding a semi-decent place to work that has respect for me and the people around me.
Thank you everyone so much for your kind words and advice. I will definitely be trying some of these out, and it is reassuring to know I’m not alone in feeling hurt / overwhelmed. I am hoping that I can maintain a positive relationship with my parents because I genuinely love them, and we’ve had a pretty good adult relationship until recently. I appreciate the kindness and honesty/vulnerability you guys have been showing in your responses. I’ve been in a pretty bad place these past few weeks, and it means a lot that a bunch of strangers would take the time to respond.
As long as you’re in debt, you have no money to give them. Stints in biglaw are short, you don’t want to be out of a job and still carrying debt. Drawing boundaries like this may feel harsh, but in a few years, you will be in a better place mentally, professionally, and financially if you focus on debt. Your parents will not agree with this. I have been there. But it’s better to draw the hard boundary now, it will set you up financially to provide for them in a long term and more stable way.
I showed my mom my budget, broken it down. Showed her my loans and how much I was paying i off. Also highlighted that most of my peers don’t have loan because their parents were able to pay for them (that was a bit harsh but I got tired of the “I got you here” refrain). I explained that I really want to be debt free. I said I need to focus on that for now and that means I cant prioritize her needs. She got it and doesn’t ask me for anything anymore.
That's something I don't deal with. Was born in Korea, all parents in Korea. They'd never ask for money even though they know I do pretty well. Because it would shame them. Parents give money to children, not the other way around. At least from what I am accustomed to.
my mom is retiring soon. I send $2k a month and I think it’ll have to go up when she stops working. it’s tough. I feel for you
This sounds like Asian immigrant parents.
As a child of an Asian immigrant single mum, I feel for you because it is a lot of sacrifice to provide the opportunity to ‘’make it” in the US particularly to have made it into big law. Hard boundaries regarding what you can and cannot afford to give is important because ultimately when shit hits the fan (it will), you need to be in a position to step in to sort things out (cuz who else will?) and having some funds stashed away within your control (esp because you are disposable in big law) means a level of financial security and ability to provide what is necessary , rather than scrambling because you wanted to meet a parental expectation. Think long term as much as possible. You just started - it’s a long journey ahead. Best of luck.
Maybe I’m in the minority here (no pun intended lol) but I’ve been super careful not to share salary info with my parents/family so as to not inflate their expectations on what types of gifts they should receive on birthdays, at Christmas, etc. They all assume I’m making a lot of money but probably think it’s ~$150k, not $400k 🤷🏽♂️
my dad lost his job and now it's like i suddenly have kids and 2 spouses to take care of.
I had a fight with my parents over this. They got to the point where they decided they’ve “earned” the right to tell us what to spend money on. Not ask, tell. They pick up projects that cost significant amounts of money and then inform us that we’re paying. Same for visits. They recently started to communicate that they expect us to give them a certain amount of cash every visit, separate from gifts. 😔 One thing I realized in retrospect was that the demands and forcefulness increased when I started earning more and told them how much. So FWIW, you may want to keep that information vague if your folks are like that.
This is a situation where you should consider going low or no contact. You’re not an ATM. If you have any joint accounts with your parents, close them down and make your own. Don’t be afraid to ignore or block calls if their demands are excessive.
I feel you. I don’t have to provide a steady 1k per month but I send around 400-500 and every couple of months, I’ll get hit with a request for me to buy them bday trips and etc. And when I started standing up for myself, my mom went straight to blaming my non lawyer so for not making as much money as me and “taking my money.” Hope we get through this together
Easier said than done, but just stop. They’re expecting you to be grateful for them raising you (even though they’re the ones who chose to have children). But if they aren’t grateful for what you’re doing for them, they don’t get fun things like birthday trips. And please make sure you stand up for your SO because they’re definitely not entitled to that money.
So many immigrant communities suffer from the toxic thinking that their children owe them an arm and a leg for being born and raised, when that was the parent’s choice. We need to put our foot down and remind them that respect and gratitude goes both ways. I finally had to go low contact with my parents and it’s given me SO much peace.
I've gone through this - I will say, hard boundaries (and explaining them) does help. I send back a little bit but tell them, and have shown them access to funds (shown them the account, but not how to access it) and that I'm putting it away for THEM when they hit an emergency...it's important to explain the thought process rather than getting frustrated at the convo
Tell them they should be helping with your loans.
I just tell my mom I’m broke and leave it at that