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Rising Star
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My parents did this and trust me it’s not better for the kids. Wish my parents just called it so I didn’t have to listen to fights and have holidays ruined.
Maybe when they are 3-12 it’s beneficial to build the foundation of parental relationships but for the love of god once the kid starts understanding your relationship, you’ve carried it in too long.
Right, like if I woke up on Christmas or Easter and I didn’t have to sit in my room for an hour while an argument finished or have a parent storm out of the house and come back half a day later, I feel like life would’ve been much more enjoyable as a kid.
My parents stayed together for us, and - while it was kind of brutal living with people who had so many issues with trust and being unfulfilled and emotionally rough endless arguments - they’re really HAPPY now. Not sure what flipped when they got older but they’re good pals, every so often I’ll see a flicker of that old tension/ contempt but overall I think they’re both delighted to have eachother.
My mom was a smoke show and very career driven, hyper productive. Great mom. Pushed us all hard but was a great role model. She would turn heads and didn’t even notice. Was the breadwinner. Very intelligent. In her own world always thinking how to get to the next level in impact, experiences etc.
My dad was lazy, drank too much to overcome social anxiety, had a wandering eye (probably a call for attention).
I had distinct relationships with each; engaged with each in different ways.
My siblings and I would have been perfectly happy and fine if they had divorced. I feel it would have forced my dad to give up drinking sooner and to learn some accountability for his actions/ laziness. And I think my mum (still?) deserves someone who appreciates what a catch she is, and gives her back some of that energy.
That said - seeing their peace and happiness now, would that have been the right thing? Maybe not? Who knows.
The person I had an affair with did. They’re filling for divorce next month when the youngest heads off to college.
Define “well”?
There are decades and decades of studies that show divorce does negatively impact kids, especially when it’s unexpected. But growing up with miserable/ angry parents also has a negative impact. Growing up in a home with abuse (physical, verbal, and/or emotional) can also be detrimental to kids.
It can be helpful to hear other’s experiences. Though what’s best will always be case by case. There are ways to go about a divorce that help protect the kids — their stability, mental health, etc.
Your kids also don’t stop being your kids when they become adults. I have a friend whose parents divorced while she was at university and it really impacted her mental health and emotional well-being.
If a married couple chooses to stay together “for the kids,” they need to have an honest discussion of what that would look like, how to make it a healthy & happy home, and establish boundaries and constant communication. Growing up in a home where you never see your parents be intimate, romantic or sweet to one another? Not healthy for kids. They notice everything and learn more by what they see than what they hear.
Was a kid in this scenario. Probably around age 10 I knew my parents shouldn’t be together. I think I was 13 or so when I suspected my brother and I were the reason they were miserable living under the same roof. Became VERY obvious when they divorced 7 months after my younger brother went to college.
I wish they divorced. Instead of one traumatic event I got 10 years of it. Witnessed too many ugly fights. It made me delay getting married myself as their terrible marriage was the model. Even now as an adult in my 30’s, both parents feel they gave up their lives to raise me which has created a pretty toxic dynamic
I definitely only clicked for the comments on this one.
I divorced when my youngest was 13 and oldest was 15. That was about 5 years too long and I def stayed for the kids. I was miserable because I didn’t feel loved (sexless for a decade, by his choices) but it wasn’t obvious to the kids so they were surprised when I wanted out. It was for the better but I don’t regret staying and trying that long. I sleep well knowing I did everything I could to make the family work and I know my sons respect me for that.
No. My parents stayed for "the kid" and as a result, I don't know how to love anyone.
Pro
Same. I don’t know what a healthy relationship is/ would be…
How old are the kids? Usually the first 2-3 years are hell and it is impacting the relationship alot, just remeber why you fell in love with the person, it will be better when the kids are growing ( i hope 😂). At the end of the day you will be a better parent when you are happy rather than frustraited, angry etc.. your kids will reflect your emotions. Do whatever that makes you happy
Are you speaking from experience? I’m within the first few years of kids, and the impact it’s had on my marriage is making me very sad. Hoping it’ll improve once they get a little older
For the sake of our society, just don’t spoil them too much.
OP, it’s not so quite cut and dry. What are the issues with your spouse. Are they issues you can address to make your relationship better or are they the issues that make for a hostile environment. Divorce has a negative impact on kids but so does a miserable environment so one needs to determine how they could create the best environment for their kids
You're even making it worse. Kids are smarter than you think. They'll know that their parents are not in good terms with each other and you will just show them that insincerity is okay. Then eventually they will blame themselves for the sufferings of their parents. Let them understand. Joint parenthood even if not in the same home.
Rising Star
Kids, and figuring out how to parent/pay/care for them creates a lot of pressure and tension. Sometimes kids see parents at their worst when they’re young and the pressure is higher. This was the case with my parents, but they really became much better friends after my siblings and I grew up and moved out.
We live in a society where people are so easy to bail on things when the going gets tough, but now that I’m older, I appreciate their perseverance.
The first and best option is to repair your marriage and be a solid model, caring for your children. It is the hardest option. If you can't or won't do that, your decision to stay or go is equally bad. Stay and subject your children to the baggage your failure to reconcile will create, or divorce and subject your children to all the baggage and hardships that will create. Both of those options have poor outcomes for children.
Spoken from direct experience.