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It’s only an issue for insecure men.
It’s only an issue if one of you think it’s an issue, or the earning power is indicative of a trait you find unattractive like poor work ethic. I find that lifestyle choices matter. If you’re willing to live a more modest lifestyle within the means of your significant other or you’re comfortable chipping in more and your significant other is ok with it, then that’s fine. I’ve always made more than my husband but we live well below our means and everything I contribute to our pot will likely be passed down to our children or given to charity. Yes, I’ve worked hard for it, but it’s also because I chose a high earning profession. We also discussed while we were dating that even if I make multitudes more, it’s important for him to grow his career, and I respect that.
It’s not an issue
Not a dealbreaker by any means but it can eventually become a drag if you can afford a different lifestyle than your mate and they resist going anywhere upscale (and I don’t mean super expensive). You may regret what might have been. Also, it may reflect a lack of energy and ambition which will spillover into everything they (don’t) do and eventually grate.
A friend of mine who is MD-level and wonderful married a guy who made around $60K as a mechanic. She wondered aloud to us woman friends if it was enough and we all said of course if you love him. But after twelve years or more he was cheating while she was on business trips and resentful pretending she wasn’t a great homemaker, which she definitely was. They divorced and he married an attractive single mom of average means. (FWIW my friend’s first husband had cheated too.) She did get a great kid out of it so probably no regrets. Make sure the guy is secure and from a good family and it could work - this mechanic was neither.
After a series of bad relationships and partners with competitive careers, I met my now husband at 37 - he was a coffee roaster earning $35k/yr. He lived modestly within his means but it was far different from the lifestyle i was accustomed to - but at the same time, i made more than enough for the both of us to share my lifestyle. I asked myself a similar question to what you are asking as it felt awkward paying for him with the defined society roles.
We are now married with two young children and he is a stay at home parent. He takes care of our family and takes care of me - every day he tells me im beautiful, supports my career and gives me confidence when im feeling insecure. We truly balance each other and i cannot imaging my life without him.
That being said, i dont expect him to change. He was always a 9-5 kind of employee who left work at work and never had strong career ambitions. His passions lie in the outdoors, tinkering on house projects and cooking. At times i get frustrated that he’s not more of a self starter but have accepted that and we work together on communication and expectations. We operate as a team and I am able to focus on my career because of his support and encouragement.
Everyone’s situation is unique and i wanted to share as i had the same hesitation over $. So happy i took the chance as this is the easiest and most loving relationship I’ve experienced.
It usually is, but not just for him, it will be for you too.
Regarding the income part: If yall “Don’t start nothing, it won’t be nothing”
-some famous rapper
If I were single, I would be more selective in dating someone who makes significantly less. That’s my own preference, doesn’t have to be yours and doesn’t seem anyone else in the group minds someone in a lower income bracket.
Yep, totally depends on how significant. I dated a guy who worked for the public school system and I’m guessing made around $50k. At the time I made around $500k. The lifestyle difference made it too difficult to last long. The next person I dated was my husband, who made something like $150k at the time. As a single guy, that was still enough to own a home and car and be generous to friends and family. He didn’t live extravagantly (no Michelin restaurants or vacations to Fiji), but we spent moderately (cute local New York restaurants and vacation to Miami). If I limited myself to a pool of men only making $500k or more I would have had very few choices. My husband checked all the boxes I was looking for in terms of values, personality, education, drive, feminism, attractiveness, so making $150k in an upwardly mobile profession was enough for me.
My husband has always made less than me (around $20K) and it’s never been a big issue. He is always working to move up in his career. We’ve slowly closed the gap over the last few years.
Individual comp can change at a moments notice for either of you. Don’t let it be the main decision point. Ask yourself how the situation would play out if the numbers were opposite.
Observe the ego behaviors and really understand and discuss how money will impact the roles you play. FairPlay is a great place to start.
My husband always said he doesn’t care about the difference in pay but over the years the Partner pay has accelerated and now far greater than his still very good pay (think $1m vs $200k). Practically it makes sense for him to do more with the kid duties as my work is less flexible - more in person/travel and he is 100% remote. It’s been somewhat difficult to navigate who does what for our family and anchor it to “we both choose to allocate duties this way and agree it is fair” versus anchor to pay and ego.
Income disparity can be hard to overcome. I’ve seen many people divorce over it. I’ve also seen many people where it’s not an issue but generally in those cases it’s the man making more than the woman. I don’t write the rules so don’t gang up on me for my observations please!
Warning ⚠️ https://www.kiplinger.com/personal-finance/603298/women-who-make-more-than-their-husbands-should-watch-out
The fact you’re asking this question suggests it might be an issue for you - it wouldn’t occur to me to even ask / think about this? Before you step forward, have an honest conversation with yourself and be sure you are ok with it, bc it would be unfair to hold this potential partner to a standard they will never be able to achieve.