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Cue “McKinsey robot” jokes, but in one of our
trainings there’s actually a whole section on how to be empathetic that I found extremely helpful for framing my own actions as a friend or parent - when someone comes to you upset, most people’s first reaction is to try and offer a solution (“why don’t you just...?”) or try to make the other person feel better by minimizing their reason for being upset (“cmon it isn’t that bad because...”). In reality, in a lot of cases the best way to support someone and make them feel better is to justify their emotions by showing them that you understand how they feel (“wow, that sounds incredibly unfair. You must be so frustrated.”)
Thanks. It just feels kind of hollow to me to repeat "that's frustrating" or "that sucks" every day to someone.
I ask them if they need to vent, or if they need help.
Both are completely legitimate and okay, it's just a good way to establish the tone and outcome of the conversation you're about to have. Plus, it saves you a lot of mental energy from putting solutions to them if they weren't looking for them to begin with. Hope this helps!
This is a good idea. Though I feel like I expend personal energy listening to someone complain all the time. It's draining
Rising Star
Help them...they might not realize the rut they are in
Conversation Starter
IC1, thanks. I usually do take several hours to respond haha. At times I feel guilty for doing this though.
Don’t, they are weights making you heavy. Go find new friends.
I don’t disagree with you M1. I think the variable here is that the friend doesn’t want solutions or to improve any situation, they’re just whining with no action. And even if you’re just there to listen, a constant stream of complaints is exhausting.
I’ve had to lessen involvement with someone like this. Mostly because all conversations revolved around them, all complaining, no positivity. It became really mentally detrimental to me to have to prop them up on a daily (or multiple times a day) basis. They never asked about me, supported me, heard about my life.
I didn’t like doing it but I became much happier with reduced interaction.
It’s not your job to give advice, just to listen. Most people just need a sounding board. Limit the time you have to give but don’t take all your time completely off the table.
Pro
Yes it’s completely reasonable to draw a line. Especially when the relationship is lopsided and the other person isn’t taking the time to check in on you. I’m not the type to just unload on people without invitation so I find myself in this situation as well. Where that line should be drawn is up to you. I’m all for trying to talk stuff like that out with people as well.
I just listen, make jokes about the situation if appropriate lol, or say “oh, that sucks.” If someone isn’t gonna listen to my advice it’s fine, but I’m going to stop giving it out
Call them out on it and help them understand the behavior/ way they feel
Same question, OP. When I call my friends out, they think I’m being too optimistic. It’s impossible to give some people advice, so I don’t even know what to do. Following this post!
Rising Star
some want to vet, others want help. it’s important to know the difference
Rising Star
because excepting help means that things are upside down and could be perceived the person is at fault for the situation they find themselves in.
no one wants look bad especially in front of their perceived successful friends
Conversation Starter
Listen to them and ask what they think they might do. Don’t offer advice or solutions, it’s not what they’re looking for. If it’s the same problem repeatedly, you can mention how you can’t believe they’re putting up with it for so long, it’s been x months they’ve been talking about it and nothing seems to be changing, maybe they should look at alternatives (don’t give them alternatives. It’s up to them to solve their own problems) Then, go on to some other subject.
Rising Star
Listen to them? And recognize that they don’t have to follow your suggestions.
Chief
I have a colleague, fortunately not a friend, who tries to solution everything instead of shutting tf up and listening and it is easily the most exhausting thing I’ve ever dealt with from a person.
Pro
Ugh that is frustrating because it sounds like this is a problem of their own making and comparatively, an easy fix. STOP DOING OTHER PEOPLE’S WORK! Sorry OP, I’m feeling terribly frustrated on your behalf. Some people just love being martyrs. If it’s been going on that long, I don’t think it’s out of line to be a little more direct with them and let them know that they actually have the power to improve the situation and whining isn’t going to solve anything. I think it’s reasonable to give them some tough love and suggest that you return to the subject when they’re ready to do something about it.