I found out my wife and I are having a son. While we’re so excited for him to be here, part of me at least is just a little confused and bummed out.

For the past 2.5 years, I’ve been on this personal journey with Jesus and I’ve been trying to embrace the Holy Spirit and renew myself from an anger-filled past for not having a father (he left when I was born).

And I feel like since my mom worked all hours of the day to support us, I missed out on the mother’s love I felt I needed (cont)…

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Hi friend! I often catch myself and laugh when I suggest what I thought God was going to do. While he obviously gives signs and communicates things to us, we can easily start attributing the little voice in our heads to God, which isn’t always the case. To me, it sounds like while your relationship with your mother was challenging at times, your father being absent had a significant impact on you and it sounds like you recognize that. Maybe God has blessed you with a son because he knows youre able to recognize why being involved is crucial. Also, I have often found healing in unexpected ways - watching your wife become a mother to a boy and her relationship with your son may also provide you with some form of healing. My best advice to you is to lean into his word, what he says about family and raising children, and talk with him. He is no stranger to our disappointment when things don’t go according to our own plan, he can handle your emotions and there is no shame in saying you’re confused or bummed, but ask God to reveal to you what is driving those feelings and to help you find joy and peace in the midst of that confusion. Sending lots of love! Becoming parents is an amazing gift, but one that comes with a lot of emotion

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Coming from someone who had some challenges and hurt as a child and is now a parent of three kids, please do some Christian counseling to work through your hurt and understand healing, your triggers, and how to work through them. Expecting to heal by becoming a parent (regardless of the child’s gender), is putting a lot of hope and expectation and pressure on your relationship with your child and your spouse and they will certainly feel that. And parenting will bring layers that you didn’t realize were there, and there will be challenges and failures and you have to be able to navigate yourself while still having the responsibility for caring for and guiding your child. Your expectation should not be about what you get or how it serves you, it is about how you serve and care for someone who is dependent on you. I don’t mean you are a doormat or raise a spoiled child, but parenting is quite humbling. Your hope for healing needs to be focused solely on God, and it might be a lifelong process. Yes, building a family and nurturing a healthy family can give you a better experience of a whole family unit, but it is really hard and constantly checking yourself and learning and growing still. I was so sure I was going to have a son but had a daughter first. Regardless, having a son or daughter won’t fix everything from your childhood hurts and may even challenge you more. I hope and pray all goes well for you, and I don’t mean to be a downer, but again just sharing from experience. Please don’t put your hope in the idea that things happening a certain way will fix everything. God does not work according to our plans, His plans are perfect, and your healing can only be found in Him.

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It’s like a baby trying to figure out why his parents are making him use utensils rather than his fingers at dinner.

Don’t expect to understand!

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So I always felt God would give me a daughter as a first born. I thought having a daughter first would make the most sense in helping me heal from my past.

But obviously, God has a different plan for me. I’m just hoping to find some clarity in all of this.

Sounds like you’re actually afraid of repeating the cycle with a son of your own. It’s very common with men who have absent or abusive fathers.

I advise you to see a pastor or a therapist about this. You can work through this! You need to do this in order to be the best father you can be.

Praying for you.

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