I have come to accept that i am a bad person. I wasnt like this from birth, but something changed in my childhood that I have become a bad person that hurts people he loves. I've lied, cheated, betrayed friends. I get jealousy, I gossip sometimes yet on the outside, i portray a virtuous person. I have been a dick to some people to get ahead. At any point in my life, i can name at least 6 people I am estranged from for one reason or another. (cont'd)

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There are probably only 3 people that know me for who i really am....my unfiltered thoughts etc because they reveal themselves to me too and we have no judgement amongst ourselves but everyone else is getting a version of me I think they will like, adore etc.
I want to be more authentic with myself and i want to be a better person. I don't want to be a dick anymore. I want to be kind, loving and genuine. I want to have integrity. Like genuine integrity, not the type that only works out when its visible. I want to change the inner me.
I have heard that the first thing to do is to forgive myself for the things i have done to others in the past. Just how does this even work? What does it mean to forgive oneself? Any help with this will be appreciated.

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First, good job on you for realizing this and turning a page.

Realize this is going to be a long journey and you’ll have to work REALLY HARD to change. Bad habits are very hard to change. Good habits are even harder to pick up.

You’re going to need someone to help you and hold you accountable on this journey ahead because you haven’t had good practice being a good person. This could be a therapist, religious minister or someone else. Shouldn’t be one of these 3 people you mentioned because they’re probably not the best people to hold you accountable.

I don’t know who said to forgive yourself first (I don’t know what they meant), but I would tread carefully on that. You want to remember all the mistakes that you made and all the pain that you caused and NOT let yourself off that easily. Because this is part of the motivation for changing. Don’t beat yourself up over it, and don’t let guilt paralyze you. Remember it but look AHEAD. After you’ve made some progress, you need to take charge of the mistakes that you’ve made and make amends for them (when you’re ready).

Good luck!

FYI-
A 12-step program that applies to your situation might be a good starting point. Or reconnecting with a religious group you respect.

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Turn to religion. Or an ayuasca trip

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I’m laughing at the former

Get a good therapist. Maybe one that incorporates yoga and meditation.
Nobody is good or bad. We’re all both and it takes a lot of strength and wisdom to acknowledge your “dark side”.
Yes, forgiveness is key. And loving yourself in spite of yourself. It won’t happen overnight but it’s an interesting path.
Good luck with everything!

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Hey your not alone this world is full of broken people. Therapy, support group and time are the only solutions. Trust me time heals wounds but not scars things may never be the same with some people in your life but you can have peace and become a new person.

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