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If you do break up, living together will definitely make things more complicated. That’s one of the reasons why some people think it’s best not to move in with one’s significant other until one gets married.
Also D1 and OP, I don't know where you live or what cultural background you have but here in the US, plenty of people live together before getting married. It's pretty common.
You should read "attached" or skim about attachment styles. You sound like you have an "avoidant" attachment style and she's secure.
No answers for you, but realizing why exactly you feel this way could be helpful.
Dude you should reconsider. It’s probably you and your self thoughts that will sabotage your relationship regardless of moving in together or not
I think knowing this and not being ready is okay, as long as OP is able to form a boundary instead of stringing things along.
OP may want to be better but may not be there yet.
If you tried breaking up before i would hesitate moving in. Shit only gets harder moving in, then getting married, then having kids.
Also, trying to break up with someone, then then telling you that you’re not valuing them is not a great sign. If she is someone who needs something to feel valued that you’re not giving her, that will not go away. Similarly, I you’re not making her feel valued, it means that you’re not fully in it, which is not a good sign.
I couldn’t disagree more with the man child comments-that’s utter bullshit. If you’re not sure you want to ultimately be together, I would end it. I was in a long term relationship where I thought I could make it work but I wasn’t super excited about it, then I met my wife and I realized I wasn’t super excited about the previous one because she wasn’t right.
Lastly, the kid thing is very, very real. She won’t pressure you now, but that will come. No shade on her or you, but it could behoove you to align on that shit ASAP
thanks, i really appreciate this. i’ve thought the same thing re: not being enthusiastic because maybe she isn’t right for me. she notices and it gets to her.
how/why did your previous relationship end if you don’t mind me asking?
i actually tried to break up with her because i was worried we might break up down the road, and also bc we got in a big argument last week. but she made me realize that i hadn’t been communicating my feelings to her and making her feel valued, so how could she change?
i have felt sort of like this for a while, but am afraid to leave the relationship because i feel like i haven’t put in the effort as much as she has (which is true) and i would hurt her. also, she is generally good for me in terms of providing stability. so basically moving in will almost be like a blank slate, starting fresh.
one thing that worries me is that she is 33 and i am 30 and she wants kids soon-ish (2-4 years) and i am not sure i’ll be ready. but she doesn’t pressure me ever. it’s my own fear we will break up because of it. also i am applying to business school for next fall, out of state. she is supportive of that.
anyone else ever been in a similar situation? am i overthinking it? if i don’t try, i never know. or are there too many red flags? have i poisoned the well with my negativity?
It shouldn’t be this hard/agonizing. I’ve been in several long term relationships and it’s incredibly how comfortable and perfect it can feel. Been in my current relationship for 5 years and we are moving in next month. Never been more sure about anything.
Agree with A4 — m here and have seen both sides get burned bad . Don’t waste anyone’s time
Do you want to break up?
If it’s not what you want long term you can be making a big mistake
We took a month long break, which turned into forever. We were in our early-mid 20s, so a different time of life.
The big question is whether you are the kind of person who will ever be enthusiastic about a SO. If yes, I’d get out. If not, then it’s a bit more complicated
I definitely don’t feel like I settled or even that I compromised much. More like my SO was an exception to my personal rule. It helped that we’re very compatible people who want similar things out of life, so I didn’t have to, say, suddenly decide I want kids when I don’t.
I did a lot of soul searching before I decided to commit. Sometimes I miss being single. Most of the time I don’t.
Pro
It really must be stressful for you right now, OP. Please consider talking to a good therapists since it seems there are a few major things you’re struggling with. Your feelings and worries are all valid no matter what other people say though.
Consultant 1 suggested finding out more about attachments styles which is a good place to start. But a therapist will be able to actually help you work out what it means and what you could do next. And like Associate 1 said there in no magical pill. It takes hard work and intentions to change.
And just remember. While relationships are about give and take, it’s not about who puts in “more” or “less”. Your input might seem “not enough compared to the other person’s” but the other person might not think of it that way. It’s your ego chiming in to try and “balance” a scale that might not even exist outside of your mind. And the source of that kind of thoughts are usually rooted in your past.
It sounds like you’re still being quite open with your SO about your feelings. That’s good. Keep communicating. Communicate your needs and worries and boundaries. Listen to what she says too. And if you still feel like that’s not good then break up. But do that for yourself and don’t dress that as “doing it for her because she’d be better of.” That’s what she gets to decide, not you
OP, I empathize with you but wanted to give some good for thought. Do you enjoy spending a lot of time together? Due to COVID, you won’t really be able to get away. For some couples, this has been a major challenge. I moved in with my ex and spent $5k breaking the lease and he stole my security deposit of $2k. If you’re unsure because you’re not ready to grow up, you have to think about it...you’re not 22 anymore, this is the age when you grow up. Please don’t waste her time by moving in and then breaking up, she needs to get on with her life. Also, if you loved her so much, wouldn’t you be willing to make some sacrifices? Sorry, this is all from an F POV and I’ve been burned pretty badly.
Yea. Moral of the story is living together and breaking up can be toxic af. Think long and hard about this.