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hello fishes,
need some advice.
my current ctc is 16 with 5.6 years of experience. I was a contract hire and parent company wants to hire me.
company is service based company.
my current title is senior analyst but they want to make me manager.
they are skipping tech lead and team lead positions.
they are ready to change 5 days working from earlier 6 days working.
they are asking me my expectations.
we are on client location and there is no one above us. Also team is not technically sound.FSS
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Not quite like that but we had our second at 31, said no to a 3rd at 34, and agreed to have a 3rd at 37. Best decision I made. You’re young and things change.
Having a kid is one thing, raising a kid is a whole another matter. The costs alone in doing right by your kids is large. If the numbers are manageable, go ahead but definitely give it some serious thought.
OP, Stand your ground. Do not allow yourself to be gaslight or guilt tripped. Your feelings are also valid. Make sure you snip yourself. Women in these times temper with their birth control and “accidentally” get pregnant. She is thinking hormonally, you are thinking critically. Third kid equals more money, more time, more sleepless nights, more debt, more sick days, less vacations, worse quality things for everyone involved, more tuition fees and finally, greater risk of healthcare problem for the mother and the 3rd child. Snip yourself, STAT.
Can someone call 911? There’s is a Brutal Murder here
Marriage is about compromise. You’re seeing the hurt this decision has caused, maybe you’re the one who needs to compromise on this one? You will make more money as time moves forward, don’t let little pieces of green paper get in the way of a lifetime of happiness.
Pro
My point exactly, the more the kids, the greater the risks. OP, take a breath of relief for getting 2 without any complications and keep it moving with saving for their college funds.
You said she is upset and might never forgive you for not having a third child. I read your response a second time and I see this is an unusually strong reaction on your wife's part.
I think there is a deeper issue involved that she is having trouble expressing. It might be easier emotionally to blame you rather than deal with what is really bothering her.
Did she lose a child through a miscarriage? Did she have to give up a child before she met you? Did a sibling die when she was a child?
If you don’t want another child… Please DONT your wife may be living in some fantasy land!! Education, health care, insurance, housing, clothing, grocery… everything is costly!
Is there any specific wish for a gender? Most women behave weirdly when they have 2 girl children but let me tell you… it’s ok to have 2 kids
Has she tried hobbies?
Having a child should be a two yeses thing.
Don’t be careless with your birth control methods because I have seen too many men tricked into a 3rd or 4th child they do not want and that’s when the resentment really kicks in, especially if the 3rd one requires a lot of specialists and expensive accommodations. Which I have also seen happen more times than I would like with the “surprise” baby.
Pro
Nailed it, PM1
To be honest I don't have anything to say for your problem.. I have a different problem...
We have one kid.. I want to have a second but my wife doesn't want to... Funny thing, me and my wife both are the second child in our respective families.. :)
I don't want my first one to grow up alone... They need siblings) as they grow and and after they grow up..
True!
If you are mentally and financially fit to have it than only plan or els don’t. Both husband and wife should mutually agree
When it comes to having or not having children, I think this is one of the most difficult conversations. It’s just not something where a good compromise can be achieved if you both want different things. Sounds like you have legitimate reasons for your thinking, and I would try to explain that.
But why does she want so many kids?
Why not? I was one of 3 kids but only had 2 and was happy with 2 for us at the time. My kids are teens now and If I had to do it all over again I would have lived even more frugally and gone ahead and had the 3rd.
Your wife will have to forgive you — and be big hearted — if you do not have a third child for the marriage to be a happy one. She has to find peace with it in herself, and enjoy the blessings in life, the two-children blessing! And — if you have a third child, you’ll have to find peace within yourself for that decision and live with it (and enjoy it), as wonderfully and gracefully as you can (practicalities and all). So whichever way it turns out will be okay. Each person just has to be big hearted, and the one who got their wish has to love, appreciate and be kind to the other all the more. For being such a large-hearted person. No one should be turning off birth control or manipulating or controlling the other — that would be a sure way for things to become unhappy in any marriage. Don’t do that, do the opposite — be kind and try and understand each other. 😊
Pro
Happiness should not come from a resource of resentment, which is exactly, “I’ll never forgive you is.” A deeply rooted resentment, if not even hate
To continue: when the baby was 1, she pushed me for a third but life felt very content and very happy. Also wasn’t making enough to support the lifestyle we wanted (still wouldn’t be able to), I.e private school. She is entitled to her feelings and I feel sad I caused her pain. But I also don’t want to make this about me. I’m at a loss and want to make her happy. We have two great kids, and we are fairly young. But we got married at a young age and my entire adult life has been about my family. I never experienced anything for myself. Married at 22, first kid by 24. I want to be able to enjoy life at some point without my kids and still provide for them. I don’t want my entire adult life to be about raising my kids. I love them, but have noticed recently I need more me time. Wife and I are both 31. Marriage is great with the exception of playing cat and mouse with the the whole 3rd kid, it has consumed many of our alone time conversations over the past year or so.
All of your feelings are valid and the points about finances are valid too. Has she shared with you her actual reasons for wanting to have a third child?
Is she under biological pressure? I mean does she have a health problem that could interfere with her having a child later?
Is this about wanting to have a child of a particular gender? Sometimes people have a precise image of what their ideal family would be that it is difficult to let go.
Is she needing a third child to fill an emotional void? Does she have outside interests , hobbies, professional or volunteer service organizations that she is involved in where she can have personal relationships? Do both of you have your own friend groups?
If you had a third child could you and she adjust financially by cutting back? Public school instead of private? Would you be able to make time for each other as a couple as well as make time for your individual interests?
I think you should have an honest discussion. Couples therapy wouldn't hurt.
Being a parent is an important role. But you shouldn't lose your identity in parenting. It isn't healthy and it leads to resentment.
Good luck. I hope everything works out for both of you.
Think about finances, Ambani had a lot of wealth so he was able to manage 3 kids,but for a common man it's risky, tedious and puts too much of a strain on your relationship. Talk to your wife and think about giving the child for adoption.
lol wut
Everyone wants what they want
The person who wants the least gets what they want
Did yall discuss how many kids before marrying?
Would you be ok having a 3rd? Even if not ideal, like would you ever? If the answer is maybe but I really don't want to, I would suggest evaluating if the compromise is worth it.
Do you enjoy being a father? If so, you'll likely enjoy the 3rd too.
Life is expensive so yall may need to sit down and evaluate timing what life with 3 would look like. Maybe not private school. Maybe there needs to be a larger age gap between them to help offset some costs. Does wife work? Will she be a sahm if you have to have 2 kids in daycare?
So many variables.
I'll leave it at this. Idk of many people who grow old and regret having another kid, especially if it's 2 vs 3 kids, but ik many who regret NOT having anything child.
Also, from a lot of moms I hear that the transition from 1 to 2 was terribly hard but from2 to 3 was much easier
Oh so your true colors come out SM1. Your first two children are a lot of work and your 3rd is the easy one you favor. Got it.
3rd baby? Are you in India?
Yes what she wants is more important than what you want. NOT
Pro
Compassion and empathy goes both ways. Emotionally blackmailing a man into a child he never wants is also beyond selfish.