Need some honest advice:
My husband and I come from different parts of India. They speak a local language while my family speaks Hindi. They can speak little bit of Hindi and English too, not great but basic stuff. My husband and his family keeps insisting that I learn their language. I have learnt the basics and can understand it but not conversational. I have also not been putting in enough effort because I am not fully bought in. This has created a wedge between us which I don’t know (contd.)

OP - They speak in a "local" language and you speak in Hindi. Anything looks wrong there? If it doesn't, you need to relook and look hard. Hindi is as local as any other language in India, unless you are referring to a dialect as their "language". Maybe change your frame of mind to start with. Not trying to critcize, but pointing out how it might sound a bit off to others.

My husband (and his family) speaks Kannada, Marathi, Hindi and English. My husband is very good at hindi but his family can speak only some hindi since it’s not their mother tongue. I speak Hindi and English. So my husband and i have 2 common languages, with his family - it’s fun, they speak broken hindi and i speak broken marathi, and we talk multiple days in a week.
I have been trying to learn Kannada but it’s difficult. I have been pretty good at learning Marathi. I understand very little Kannada and some Marathi. Now that’s context.
Yes, my husband’s side want me to learn either marathi or kannada and I totally understand why. They want me to be able to mingle easily with people, imagine a family who has always communicated in a particular language now have to change to something they are not good at because of me. Now, one would argue that it’s the same for me. Yes it is, but it is practical that 1 person can learn a new language than expect the entire khandaan to become conversational in the other.
In my case, no body pushed me to learn a new language, they adviced and it is a good one. I also will suggest that you don’t mind when they speak in a different language, but focus and try to learn. A change of perspective helps a lot. At the end of the day, if you can work at ZS (i am an ex-ZSer) then you can most definitely learn a new language in time. 😊

The very fact that OP names her language as Hindi and chooses to not even name her husbands language shows the language superiority complex which she has. By saying her language is Hindi she is tacitly trying to say that the expectation for her who speaks such a great/global/national/non-regional/non-local language like Hindi means that she is expecting her husbands family to conform to her language superiority complex. Moreover she says that she gets bored when they talk in ‘their’ local language. Wow great. You won’t learn their language and you are not even ok with them talking the way they want. Not sure if you learnt anything from coming to the USA. Go around talking Hindi here and ask the Rednecks to learn your Great language.

If their primary language isn’t English/Hindi it makes sense that they would like you to learn their primary communication language.

It makes it easier for them to communicate with you when they can use a greater range of vocabulary to express emotions, thoughts and feelings. They will be more comfortable around you, and you around them.

In addition, it will also allow you to understand their humor, lingo, connect with them on a deeper lever, and be better integrated with the extended family who may not speak English/Hindi but still want to bond with you.

If these are things you don’t want, that’s a separate issue but it is not unreasonable for them to expect you to pick up their language when you married into the family.

Thanks all for your advice and inputs. It’s given me a good perspective and I have decided to dedicate more time to learn his native language.

🙏🏽

Op, there are too many comments on your post so don’t know if this has been said earlier.. giving my two cents..

My husband’s mother tongue and mine are also pretty different. When we’d go to his hometown I would be pretty much lost, so I decided to learn his language - more so because I wanted to. My in laws never pushed me to doing it as we would speak in English. But there were some nuances that could never mean the same after being translated and I really wanted to understand those.

I’m actually very proud of his culture and mine and I really believe the language is the bane of it all. My husband and father in law also took the time in explaining to me the origins of some of the phrases and words which was so damn interesting to me.

I’m also a linguist and with a child on the way I want him to learn and be exposed to the language of his roots as well. If I as his mom don’t care for it, he won’t either.

I think you have a feeling that the local language is somewhat inferior and you does not deserve to be learnt. You should have thought about it before your marriage. Do you love your husband enough to make this sacrifice and learn his local language ? Or you are an independent girl who wants your husband to compromise but you can never compromise ? Feminism ?

Language brings people closer than race, nationality. If two individuals want to grow relationship between them, then they need to have a common language for communication.
Are they asking you learn their language because you are DIL and they feel they can dictate you ?
If no ill intentions are involved by them, then I would learn their language given they are old and I am younger and it’s easier to learn

Well if you live in US or any place where hindi or your husband’s language isn’t actually local, then you have a good reason to not learn this language. Most likely your in laws want you to know the language so that your children (when any) can speak that. You can just assure them that they will. Through grandparents, online classes, after school programs (depending on where you live)
My wife and I don’t speak each other languages and our in laws are cool with that. English is the language of choice at our house. But we are raising our kid to speak both families’ languages. Much easier (and beneficial) for a kid than an adult.

We have the same dynamics at home. M here. My wife is independent and saw the request as covert patriarchy ( which it was). Never learnt the language. Everyone is ok with it even though my parents would have it a different way. The flip side is that she is sometimes not able to follow me and my family conversations and will prefer we speak in Hindi (which we all know). That becomes harder for us as we have never communicated between us ( parents, siblings and I) in Hindi and she does feel left out in a few family discussions. All my parents conversations with her and kids are in Hindi. It’s been non issue after probably the first year of our marriage but it is an interesting dynamic. Big benefit we both wish we had - secret language to communicate in front of kids. Had she known that then, she would have gladly learnt it :). Just wanted to share our experience. Her family speaks Hindi so no complex dynamics there.

I am really surprised at how my words have been misconstrued by people on the thread to project their personal presumptions and prejudice and overall assumption of bad intention on my part.

1. I did not specify his language because it will make it very easy for me to be identified amongst ZSers, which defeats the whole purpose of this app.

2. There is no assumption of superiority on my part when specifying my language as Hindi and whatever you feel about it, Hindi is not a local language (so isn’t Sanskrit or Urdu). My husband himself knows it from living in different parts of India.

Every language in India including Hindi is a 'Local' language. The size of the region (s) may vary.

By the calling other languages as 'local', you are showing an element of superiority.

How to move forward from. Every time they call or we call, they and my husband speak in their local language while I sit there and watch. They insist I speak it too, which i do a little bit for formality’s sake but my heart isn’t in it. I also dread calling them because of the awkwardness and having to do something I don’t want to do.


Am I in the wrong here?

Why does it matter if we know your husband’s native language? I’m confused by this veil of secrecy... I think we need to know before suggesting whether you should learn it or not.

Me and my wife have different native languages; English is not common across families ... generally we are happy with the arrangement.

Allows us to keep away from the family squabbles and politics - both of us have large families and extended families

We have learned enough sentences in each other’s languages to come across as attempting to learn the language and make each other’s family happy - every time I say a broken sentence in my wife’s language the family appreciates that I am making an attempt, does not matter that I am saying the same broken sentence for 5 years 😀, same for my wife.

Think no one is expecting you to be proficient- as long as you make an attempt to learn the language so that you can connect with them they will appreciate.

Our family conversations are usually we starting the conversation with broken sentences for pleasantries then one person translating for main discussion . Our families appreciate that we are making an attempt and trying to connect despite the language barrier.

Also frankly in 5 years we have picked enough to understand a lot even though we can’t form a lot of coherent sentences

I have no idea why some people are making it a local language or hindi issue...we should not have to think and rephrase a 100 times before asking a question. We need to assume good intent and you should be able to ask such a question.

I have been in a similar situation. The only difference being my in laws know english and hindi very well in addition to their native language

My in laws would still frequently talk in their native language with my husband while I was in the same room (I don't care if they do it on the phone - that's between them). After a while I very clearly explained to my husband and them that I felt excluded and unwelcomed. For context, my family does extend my husband the courtesy of not speaking our native language but hindi, english when he is around.

Did it go well..initially ...no. But after a while of reinforcing the message with my husband's support they started talking in english / hindi. This made me much more amenable to picking up their language as well.

Moral of the story it's more than languages. It's about feeling welcomed and included in your husband's family.

I have the opposite issue. My husband and I speak Kannada and Konkani respectively. I naturally start speaking to him in Konkani in everyday conversations and he’s picked up an insane amount in the last 4 years. He’s also picked up Hindi and a lot of Bollywood songs in the same way. I keep insisting he makes a conscious effort to speak with me in Kannada because knowing another language is a big badge of honour for me. But he brushes it off 😒😒😒

OP - I’m a male and I typically don’t believe in gender based discussion.. I’m in some what similar situation.. I’m multi lingual (me and my wife speaks same languages but from different states) but her issue is when I speak and connect with people speaking a state lanaguge she feels offended that she is unable to contribute.. I never forced her to learn that language but due to her insecurities and inability/lack of willingness to speak multiple languages I ended up loosing lot of friends..

My advise for both of you (you and your spouse) learn common at least one native language ..and put in an efforts to.. I’m not sure if you have kids but we adults need to learn resiliency from kids...

we as adult try to link everything to sacrifices we make for each other and make things emotionally complicated... I would rather put in but of an effort and learn the language for own sake.. you/your spouse need to learn the language for making yourself a better person/if you are sure that it will improve relationship rather thinking like you are bending backwards or for pleasing counter part

Telegu

So glad I was born in Pune. My parents were from Kerala, my maid was Maharashtrian, my best friend Gujaraati , neighbor Tamilian, married my high school sweetheart who is Punjabi - no one cared about language. I think you’ve made a fair effort - tell them to suck it ...