What's the longest you've had to be away from your baby? I have a two week trial coming up and need to leave my 12 month old behind. The research on the impact of maternal absence is worrying me.

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I don’t meant to diminish your concern. But do you have a choice to not leave the baby? It sounds like not…in which case I’d try to focus on whatever you could do to lessen the impacts you’re reading about.

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Any resolution on this? What did you end up doing

I'll be honest, and I say this with all the caring in the world - While it doesn't sound like there is much that can be done to get out of the upcoming travel, I would be seriously considering whether a role that requires such lengthy periods of time away is sustainable. Some moms do it and hats off to them for making it work somehow, but I personally could not. My child is 2.5 and I've never been away from them overnight. Even the thought of going to a conference for a night or two makes me so anxious, and luckily I don't get pressured to travel in my current role. I believe the research you are talking about relates more to sustained absence, but even so, there comes a time we all have to self-reflect on whether the job is worth the sacrifice of time with our family and, if not, what we are going to do about it. 🤍

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This has absolutely been the final straw. I'm looking to move in-house.

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Is a 12-month old really a “baby”? Isn’t that a toddler?

likefunny

A lot of 12 month olds can’t toddle. They have to toddle to be a toddler.

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I haven’t read the research, but I imagine the type of absence they studied was significantly more than 2 weeks, no? Honestly that will be hard on him, but I would not expect a lasting impact. I also expect your absence would be mitigated by the fact that he’ll be with the primary parent. No offense intended at all, but it would probably be much harder if your husband was going to be the absent one. Just spend as much quality time with him before and after as possible, and FT throughout.

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My 12 month old runs from me when he sees me and only wants me when he wants to nurse…I promise your baby will be okay lol

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That sounds…bad? lol?

likesmart

This may be a bad suggestion (I’m corporate so don’t understand the trial life), but if they really cannot come with or visit, could you go home on the weekend? Inefficient but may be good for your worries.

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The longest I’ve been away is a 4 week trial out of state. My girls were 3 and 1. I asked a fellow female partner on the team if it gets any easier as they get older and she said no, harder because they realize you’re gone. I would be afraid I’d be making it harder for the child if I’m popping back in and out. Why don’t you see how the first few days go and worst case have your husband come for a weekend at your expense? That way you don’t waste precious time traveling given the lean team here.

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I have dealt with this multiple times. It was actually much “easier” at that age (it’s never easy) because he wasn’t as aware. I now have a 2.5 year old and was gearing up for a 4 week trial recently (thankfully it settled) and was similarly worried. But I booked my SAHD and baby flights and they were going to come stay with me for a portion of that time. I absolutely did not ask anyone on the team—you’re senior enough, you get your work done, and it won’t cost the firm extra, so I don’t know why you would ask. It is definitely so so hard, and traveling back and forth is inefficient for all. The firm should understand you WILL lose work time if you have to do that. That should be all they care about. Good luck!

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I think it’s a tough spot to be. Of course you want to see your child and support your career. In the course of a lifetime, I think the child will grow to understand the importance of balance. Your child might grow to view your time away as inspiring - look at how hard my mom worked. As long as your spend strong quality time with them when you are not in trial mode, I think it will work out. My parents worked a lot when I was younger. I don’t resent them for it. If anything, I admire their grit. And, they retired early so I get to spend time with them as an adult which is great. I am sorry you are going through this, I hope this helps.

It’ll be okay. You sound like an excellent mother. Don’t worry!

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