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Dear Men - Need your perspective.
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Leave him
It truly doesn’t sound like your fit. Keep looking.
Staying because you don’t think you’ll find someone else is a lose-lose strategy. Play this forward: what happens when you are in a real relationship for 5 years and in the same circumstances? Or married for 15? You both deserve better
Hi OP, I wanted to make a suggestion based on me being in a relationship with a woman older than me… the whole ticking clock aspect weighed heavily on her, so I would consider freezing some eggs. That will take the time pressure off and allow you to find the perfect mate (who is out there looking for YOu!) Hopefully that is not too controversial as a suggestion, just wanted to be honest based on what I’ve seen in my personal life. Rooting for you to fall madly in love with the man of your dreams who will light your soul on fire 🔥!
I hope you find my perspective balanced.
- there’s a book called “settling for mr. good enough” by gottlieb. It basically says that a lot of the traits we consider attractive in a partner when we’re young hold a lot less relevance when it comes to actually sustaining a long term relationship. Women (often more so than men) have a laundry list of boxes their suitor must tick. Many times while waiting for their ideal partner they forget that time is eroding their value as well. The author herself admits that she broke things with a man when she had no major reason to back when she was 28. Now with the wisdom that time brings, she feels that he would have made a great life partner, especially when she found that he later got married and had kids. Now that’s she 39, her choices are limited and the guys who tend to approach her tend to have glaring faults. If she could turn time back, she said she wouldn’t let him get away. What may seem like settling at the time isn’t so bad after all.
- at the same time, if there are red flags/dealbreakers, it’s better to end things earlier rather than later. That way, not a lot of water has flown under the bridge.
- finally, this debate tends to get clouded by so-called red pilled men, who come alive whenever any discussion of age and women comes up. They relish talking about how a woman’s worth erodes over time. As a man myself, I would recommend filtering away these narratives; many of these men are insecure about themselves and vent their frustrations and shortcomings onto women who may have spurned their advances.
In summary, you are the best judge of the situation but absent any big red flags, settling isn’t such a bad option.
Another perspective: in their 20s and sometimes even early 30s to mid 30s, women receive male attention on tap. Men constantly approach and it seems like this barrage will continue forever; women easily are the choosers here. If we wait long enough, we’ll eventually find mr. Right. However, life isn’t one sided. Men typically approach first and women then approve/reject. Even if not initially besotted with a man, women can eventually be wooed. Darwin theorized that most of human culture (yes, all that music, poetry, literature, etc. ) is a the human male’s attempt at courtship. However, a man’s interest is not so easily won. If initially uninterested, there’s very little a woman can do to “woo” a man. Women don’t even enjoy wooing a man; they’d rather prefer to be wooed instead. The evidence? Even on “female friendly” dating apps like bumble, women making the first move is little more than saying “hi”. In other words, it’s little more than an invitation to “woo”/pursue her. You can easily see how when a man’s interest is initially absent, there’s very little a woman can do to change that. He can’t be “won” over. So, waiting for mr. Right, while having its benefits, can also be extremely risky.
The reality is that people in their 30s settle all of the time. I’ve read that if you have 5+ relationships and you are in one that is at least tied for best you’ve been in you for for it.
I’m not sure what you’d expect to find in the future or how badly you want to have kids soon but those would be the pros and cons.
Non-starter, move on
Mid 30’s? There’s still time to find a guy in his 60’s that’ll settle for you.
Did you read OPs post? How am I anymore of a jerk than she is?
Leave. These traits will only annoy you as you get older.
Pro
He deserves someone that finds him amazing.
Rising Star
Think about what your life with him will be like 5 years down the road, and 10 years down the road. Sounds like you think he would be a good father (if you want kids), but think of what your relationship with him will look like. Will these little things drive your crazy? If so, then you should probably keep looking
Rising Star
Doesn’t sound like you like him. You’ll know when you find someone worth settling down with, and you won’t think they’re just good enough.
Just noticed she didn’t mention the 🍆 game. Man must be on point
I think an important factor is whether you would rather be in a mediocre relationship than be alone.
You literally have one life, why are you trying to live it like you’re dying already?
Both of you don’t have to be a perfect match, but same wave length on things should be there.
If I knew my partner thinks like this about me, I would be crushed. But there is something of value when no “red flags” exist
Same. Also I don’t see love as a constant butterfly in my stomach type feeling. To me love is feeling at home with someone knowing they care and appreciate me and obviously good sex 😂. I think sometimes we fall into the notion it has to be an incredible rush and stay that way and maybe for some people it is.
Don’t settle. Honestly, settling only kicks the can down the line.
I was in your shoes and I settled, and had a child. Now dealing a divorce :(. Even though I went into it with full intention and commitment to make everything work. I shared his debts prior to the marriage, sharing all our finances, played house , dutiful wife, looking after our child going part time you name it….
But , maybe just my husband and doesn’t mean all men, he was getting more and more selfish. Our compatibilities became bigger and bigger. Our arguments became bigger also but I’ve tried making it work… And one day I just realised I’m not having any joy or getting anything from the relationship except a job and more burdens and not as enjoyable as my actual job. I’ve decided to walk with my child… but it’s still heart breaking 😢
Don’t go into it if he’s not the man that lights you fire, makes you feel loved and someone you’re willing to go to hell and back with…
I’m still scared thinking will I end up alone from now(only 34) …but that’s not the reason to waste the rest of your life in a joyless or superficial marriage
I’m a man, and I feel empathy for your situation. As men, we tend to be extremely underdeveloped when it comes to things like emotional maturity, self-awareness, communication, and empathy. I think part of the reason is men are conditioned to think that such traits are undesirable in a man, but I think they actually make a huge positive difference. Try recommending him: Man enough by Justin baldoni. And lastly, my best wishes are with you and your former partner. Divorces are painful for everyone.
Is the talent pool in your city really small?
Date me instead of course lol