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Chief
That sounds very frustrating. She is just making you feel the pain without giving you a path to resolution. Kind a weird control dynamic and sounds like the therapist will be part of your relationship.
it’s controlling to want to be healthy and make sure she doesn’t react in a negative way? it’s controlling she doesn’t want to argue? please be serious
To all the men telling you that “she’s crazy” or “she’s not your person”… it sounds like (potentially) you need to learn how to be more emotionally in tune with your partner, and perhaps more considerate or thoughtful in your communication. I’m not blaming you, it also sounds like she may have an anxious attachment style, but communication and emotional consideration are two issues that will permeate any future relationship you have if not worked on. You’ve mentioned being a bit more dismissive - why don’t you get a therapist of your own and talk through some of this? Even if you don’t end up with this girl it will help you.
Thanks. I already think I’m making strides by becoming more informed and work through some things in 2mo - so when I see her take 8yrs to be in therapy and not make significant strides, all I can think is…do I have to wait for this? What’s the outcome here? Not sure tbh
The real question is what did you say lol
It’s just not a good pair. Stop getting validation that it is. And move on.
Hey everyone - this was a very discussed post. I wanted to give everyone an update.
Turns out my GF has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). We found out about a month ago and it’s been a doozy but there’s a game plan in place / underway to smoothen things out.
Is this a bit intense yes. But when my husband and I started dating (10 years ago). He said something that hurt my feelings but it was not intentional so I just needed a minute to acknowledge that he meant nothing by it and move it. I told him as much and he said. I get to love you in every form but you have to let me. It opened up our communication and I can say that in our 10 years we have had Maybe 4 serious fights because we talk and he hears why I may be upset by something regardless of if I'm justified or not because even deserves to know how I perceive him.
This was a long way of saying... is she willing to work on it with you? Are you willing to? It's a lot but it's not unpassable. I don't know how old she is but at 35 I am still sorting out years of cyclical traumas and I still have to check myself for trauma responses. It's only been 8 months. Maybe explore why she does it this way.
This show’s emotional maturity which I do question whether his gf has. It does make or break a relationship
Rising Star
I seem to be in the minority but I don’t entirely see what’s wrong with this. She’s upset but doesn’t seem to know how to articulate exactly why. Instead of randomly guessing at it, or leading you in the dark, she’s letting you know she’s upset but needs help to understand exactly why, so will talk about it later
That’s seems perfectly reasonable. She’s not lying about her feelings or shutting you out or blaming you for things which aren’t actually the root cause.
Rising Star
I guess it depends how frequently it happens and what the thing ends up actually being. Depending on that, I could see a potential issue, but just from what’s said here, I wouldn’t say there’s anything wrong or that she’s too emotional. Rather the contrary, if someone were constantly saying they were mad about every little thing but not taking time to understand the actual reason then I’d be more inclined to call them emotional
Personally I don’t see anything wrong with being in therapy long-term - some truly benefit from it (like regular checkups for the mind). I personally don’t have any diagnosed conditions or acute stressors but I go to therapy regularly because I think it helps me consider more perspectives and overall understand myself and how I interact with the world better. People are assuming she’s been working on the same issue for the past 8 years but that’s likely not true
I understand that she is sensitive, emotional and everything else. What I dont like is her depency on her therapist. I blame the therapist for not guiding her in how to be independent. I also think that the fact that she wants to consult someone before talking to you is actually very nice…she wants to be sure that she will not be unfair. The therapist is the enemy in this situation, not your GF, the therapist made her dependent and vulnerable. I dont think this is going to happen, but she could find a different therapist. She is a good girl, but is in the wrong hands.
Chief
How much time do you spend together in person? And how often does this type of response (“I need to talk to my therapist first”) happen? If it’s happened just a few times over the course of your relationship, that’s a lot different than if it happens weekly. Also makes a difference if she’s upset about something legit complicated vs some minor argument.
Rising Star
Can we get an update here? This app is like a soap opera
Have you ever really spent time together in person - or is an internet / text relationship? Not judging, but if it’s all virtual you should try and spend time together to ease the communication
She is as sensitive in person. While it’s messed up to say, when she gets her period she literally becomes a different human. I think she has PMDD.
Oof - lots of really insightful stuff here.
@Graybar - she has been in therapy for 8yrs. For me, that’s cool cuz she’s always working on herself but also like…8yrs? She is 29.
@c1 - super codependent. I am the absolute complete opposite, and that’s been the reason for half our fights. She recognizes it and says she’s working on it, but…how long do I wait?
@VP2 - sometimes, it definitely doesn’t feel like it.
@Indeed1 - tbh, I’m a 28M and still figuring out what the struggles of a relationship are. This is my first.
@VP1 - we’re about to talk now, but only because I offered my support.
Sounds like she’s mentally unstable - aka the number one red flag when thinking about a LTR - run as fast as you can
Pro
Imagine what you’re describing in a creative partner and that’s what I have gone through. Several times. Either they needed to see their therapist because of me, or I became their therapist because of their personal lives being so roller coaster. Exhausting.
Pro
SHE IS NOT YOUR PERSON.
MOVE ON!!!!
Pro
I think her acknowledging her feelings is good. And she probably wants to consult with her therapist as an outside third party to be sure she’s not overreacting. I do think she needs to acknowledge your feelings as well, and eventually work through these things on her own.
Is she new to therapy? Or why does she have to wait for every time she gets upset?
I did long distance for five years, it is very difficult, maybe you gf is not as resilient as you are, that is why some tiny things make her sad.
If you think it is really worth it to continue, make sure you do daily calls with her, video calls help a lot. And aim to visit each other once per month, depends on how long the distance is 😉
But her feelings are valid, it is tough to be far away from each other.
At the very least, if it takes her days plus a therapist to have a simple convo - she’s not ready to be in a healthy relationship.
Does she have a diagnosis in cluster B?